To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

Don't be too jealous.

I'm that resilient person bouncing form shit fan to shit fan - yet always smiling and getting on with it.

It isn't always a good thing. It can be very damaging in the long run. Or it's caused by suppressing feelings. That can be a huge silent burden.

I think YABU because you are making it all about you when it really isn't

You’re making her difficult time about yourself, based on a perceived appreciation of her ‘resilience’ in direct contrast with your own self-perceived ‘weakness’.

You’ve got through these three breakdowns and have come the other side. That in itself is strength. Give yourself more credit. And stop comparing yourself to others facing adversity, just offer her your support and take strength from that.

It’s horses for courses - there are things which sound really tricky I’ve managed without going under, but other things which would sound minor to most, would make me crumble.

It’s easy to get caught up in what other people are doing or not doing, but try not to use that to make you feel bad about you.

@Pigletspal

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

You have no idea how resilient and strong she is when she's not at work. She might cope well at work and then at home sit around crying all the time. Concentrate on yourself and stop judging her.

You appear to have low self-esteem. Thinking that everything is a slight against you is very much a characteristic of that situation, oddly.

YABU to be hurt by praise for someone else - BUT think about where that hurt comes from. These people are not noticing the differences between you and her, they are praising her alone. It is YOU who is thinking that they are looking down on you, and the reason you are thinking that is because YOU are looking down on yourself, for your perceived failings (that you perceive).

The answer to this is in your hands - you need to come to terms with what happened, why it happened, and consider having some therapy to see if you can avoid it happening again. It may not be possible to avoid - your personality may not allow for it - BUT the change is in YOUR hands, and your hands alone.

You envy this person their resilience, and you envy the praise that they are getting for it. You want that for yourself and are unhappy because you feel you wouldn't get it - only you can make that happen, by working towards being that type of person yourself too.

Have you had counselling/therapy for the situations that caused your previous breakdowns? Did they provide you with strategies for the future? Might be an idea to look into that if not.

They're not thinking about you at all. Nor should they be at this moment. They're concerned about and talking about her.

During my most toughest of times I have never let it my work be affected, which is a constant steady in my life.

In my personal life I am not very resilient, but very few people know this.
In fact, 'just carrying on' doesn't always end well.

Just be true to yourself, OP. If you want to be more resilient you can work on it, but do it for yourself, not to match up to someone else.

‘I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.’
I read a comment on here this week that pointed out that people who describe themselves as sensitive are often hyper-sensitive to themselves but not so much towards other people. Take a look at yourself, OP. This has nothing to do with you! Being resilient at work gets you nowhere, in my experience. The people who complain and moan and bitch get what they want to shut them up. Those who get on with stuff get overlooked - being a squeaky wheel has its upsides!

Just because someone seems to have good coping resources doesn't mean they enjoy dealing with a load of shit coming their way. They'll still suffer and you've no idea whether the husband or finances help at all when she's in a dark place. If she appears to be keeping it together, good for her, but it's still no reason to be envious of her position or upset that anyone gives her praise and encouragement. Have a more compassion for her and think about yourself less and you'll feel a lot better than you will by making this about you, your past and your perceived weaknesses. It's not easy and takes practice, but that alone will help you to see that it's not some gift that comes naturally to others that you are unfairly lacking.

And to answer your question YABU.

The only thing in your post that puts your resilience in question, is not your mental health,the number of breakdowns or that you are sensitive. It's the fact that you CHOSE to take positive comments about someone else personally AND decided that it must reflect on you in a negative way.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years

Yet here you are @Pigletspal, still here. That, to me is the very definition of resilience. I wouldn’t compare someone else’s exterior presentation to your inner difficulties as it’s not a fair comparison, nor can you know how others are really reacting to their circumstances. Neither can you say that because someone is praised for their resilience it means you’re weak - that’s a logical flaw. You also cannot say that because you find times in your life really hard, you must be weak; that doesn’t make sense either! Are people judging you as weak? How do you know? Are you able to read collective minds?

Perhaps it’s not what other think about you but what you think of yourself that is the problem? I’m not trying to give you a hard time OP but there is much to dismantle in your assumptions. I see lots of people as a therapist and the more people I see the more I realise that people are not comparable or rateable - what measure are we going to use to say that person A is weaker than person B, or person C is nicer than person D? It’s impossible! I think you might benefit from some form of conversation about how you see yourself. It’s much easier to recover from your problems if you’re giving yourself a bit of compassion.

I am a really crap runner. Doesn't mean Usain Bolt shouldn't be praised for his ability just in case it upsets me, he deserves his praise for his skill.

I can work on ways to improve my running, and if someone really observant or close to me notices I might get praised, but unlikely if I'm running beside Usain Bolt. However, I will know and feel good because I did better.

We can't all be Usain Bolts. You need to work with what you've got, stop overthinking it or looking for praise, you are only pulling yourself downwards.

Sorry OP, but you are comparing your situation to someone else and almost looking for sympathy!

When bad times happen to people, most have to just ‘cope’. Just because they are not suffering breakdowns, doesn’t mean they are not struggling. Just because this lady has a supportive husband, does not make her situation any better.

A lot of people tend to forget that resilience is mostly about dealing with normal stressors. Arguments,bad feedback ,failing at something etc. When you can't cope with these things and they interfere to day to day life that's when you need to work on being more resilient.

Trauma,heartbreak,bereavement etc fall outside of this and people deal with them in different ways,and that's completely fine
This poster sums it up really well.

Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

But they are talking about her, not you, you're not even factoring in their thoughts or conversation.

Yes.

I ME resilient people are not "less sensitive"; they've usually been through more trauma than most and acquired resilience the very hard way.

I think you are being over sensitive. However, as someone who has always been praised for 'oh you're so strong. You cope so well when things are tough' I can tell you that most of it is pretence and lack of options. My DM is a great one for telling me this and I bloody resent it - because it's generally said patronisingly and I'm aware it's because she has no damn intention of helping me out in any way.

I don't feel particularly strong or resilient. I've generally kept going because there didn't seem to be any other option once I had DC dependent on me. And I don't feel I always did a great job.

It’s not about you.

YABU.

Trying to help children learn resilience when faced with challenges is something we work on at school. It is a skill that can be learned to varying degrees, and I do think it should be praised.

It's not a comment on your lack of resilience, OP, when others are being praised for coping and/or getting on with things when times are tough.

Yabu to think someone else's (perceived) resilience is a reflection on you. It's nothing to do with you.

YANBU, but neither should you take it as a reflection on you. Saying one person is fantastic at administration might be true but they might not be very good at coming up with ideas.Someone else may be a bit hopeless with their calendar but have consistently brilliant ideas that help an organisation get new business or progress in their objectives. We can't all be everything and I doubt they had you in mind at all when they made those comments.

Shame is such a powerful emotion and rarely helpful. Really recommend you read some Brené Brown. She talks about shame and about how to overcome its crushing effects.

Please don't feel bad that people are praising her.

This isn't about resilient vs non resilient people. Both need check ins and support. I'm very conscious not to lean too much on the "resilient, dependable" people in my life, and I try not to let them dump on the more overtly vulnerable ones either.

I had a boss who treated me and others like shit in service of the people he saw as most vulnerable - those whose suffering was loudest and most obvious. His actions were horribly neglectful and stressful to those of us who didn't behave in a way he could interpret. I had so many sleepless nights because he was prioritising someone vulnerable and had serious health difficulties as a result. The difference to my life in having a boss who understands that I only have so much to give, and that my being resilient drains me to a point where I function, not thrive, is enormous.

At the very least, it shows they recognise when someone is making an effort, and hopefully they recognise it in you AS WELL.

Yanbu, but it annoys me for another reason. It's like 'well done, you coped with your shitty life with little or no help'. You can almost hear the other person washing their hands of the person they're talking about, when that's not how society is suppised to be! We're supposed to give a shit about each other and help each other. Not stand back and admire the person slowly dragging their cross alone.

Yabu, why should people not be recognised for aspects of their character.