To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

I get it, OP. Our society does value resilience but sometimes that seems to be more because a 'good coper' doesn't require support and it's something to say when you can't think of anything sympathetic to come out with. Like when you're elderly, it's all "isn't she marvellous" if you can hold the newspaper the right way up. It's partly small talk and partly that people like to see others getting on as normal in circumstances that could be scary. It makes us feel safe.

Who knows what dystopian blandness would result if we were all blessed with the same assets. And there are people who are incredibly brave to get up each day, but that courage isn't recognised.

They're not talking or thinking about you. There is no between the lines. They are talking about her.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time but you're being really self-absorbed and making yourself the victim of a non-existent insult.

Stop seeing yourself as some pathetic victim. Resilience isn't the lack of fear, anxiety or doubt but forcing yourself to push through it anyway.

Push yourself.

@Nihiloxica

I agree with you . Everyone has a breaking point . My whole family grandmother ,mother ,aunts etc, have always been a black and white logical get on with it type of family to the extent I would probably be accused of being quite hard nosed. But it’s just my nature. The way I have been raised.

But during lockdown due to bereavement and other family illness and struggling to keep a business going I think I have reached my limit. I call it having a wobble but it feels more like waking up with dread everyday.

Perhaps it will make me more empathetic as a person . Who knows .

Being resilient can often come from experiencing hard times in the past so try not to judge to much . People can also be good at putting on a brave face and prefer it because then they don’t get asked a million questions about a situation they are finding hard , or they don’t want pity etc

I have gone to work many a time in the past and acted normal then gone home and cried myself to sleep

I would say most people feel like this inside. Even those who appear confident and together. Resilience is feeling like that but getting on with life anyway. That is worthy of praise.

Yup. Resilient people don't have fewer feelings or emotions, and sensitive people don't have more. They just deal with them differently.

I think you do sounds resilient OP. I have MH issues and I know how difficult it is to drag yourself through breakdowns, burnouts, whatever you want to call them. If you've done that 3 times in the last 8 years, then you are doing well.

It's hard to compare different types of coping. A person with good mental health pulling themselves through a break up or bereavement is different from someone struggling on a daily basis with depression or anxiety. Neither is more or less admirable. They all deserve support and kindness, but we can't expect everyone to be able to cope in the same way, and bring the same mental and emotional resilience to the difficulties they face. Some of us just aren't mentally equipped to be resilient, and to all the people who seem to think that's just navel gazing with their "it's not about you" comments, you need to increase your knowledge and awareness of mental health and the impact it has on people's lives.

Resilience is a bit of a buzz word at the moment and definitely over used! It’s great to be resilient but it’s also great to be empathetic, creative, critical, analytical, sensitive, compassionate... I could go on. Stop worrying and aim to see the good in yourself lovely. Xxx

Resilience is a very overused term OP.

Are you getting any support? Are you in therapy? Are you learning stress management skills? If not consider doing these things to help you cope with life's upas and downs.

You comes across as self reflective. I personally think that's a strength but people are all wired differently and some get more out of carrying on even during a crisis and other people need more R&R to cope.

Don't beat yourself up learn more about what makes you tick and work to your strengths. you can do it!!!

I know where you're coming from but being resilient is a skill and I do admire it. I am aiming to be more resilient than I am. I'm working on it. Sometimes things knock me and I just wish that they hadn't. I see people who just never let things de-rail them, I envy that. So it is ''praiseworthy''. That doesn't mean I think omg she's upset.... if somebody isn't showing all signs of being invincible. I relate!

YABVVVU- sorry.

Not everything is about you. Why are you making comments about her secretly about you? Do you feel that way when someone is praised for being attractive?- that it means you are the opposite? this is no different.

If she's been through a hard time and has coped well then yes- bloody good for her, maybe she worked really really hard to keep herself going. Would you have preferred her to fall apart? how will that help anyone?

I know you probably didnt mean it this way but this comes across as incredibly bitter and mean spirited. Comparison is the thief of joy. Not everything is about you and you really need to work on your own self esteem.

Resilience is hard won. Like how bones are strengthened with impact. It also means people often assume you are fine with everything and you feel responsible in every situation.

People dont really know if she is actually really holding it together. People just want to fill silence with something and give a safe compliment. So resilience may no be what people think of about you but you must have other qualities.

Sorry but I think you're being U. Resilience is often hard won from difficulties and not innate. It's also a valuable life skill and worthy of being recognised.

I'm someone who has been praised in the past for resilience and do pride myself on it. IMO building resilience is a virtuous circle, you get through something tough and you recognise that you did it, so next time when something tough comes along you know you can get through it and repeat.

I'm very cynical about the catchphrase that "children are resilient" has become, in particular.

No - you just might not see the effects of trauma in children until mid adolescence or until they reach adulthood.

Agree with the poster that said resilience is really about managing normal everyday challenges or exasperations and stress.

Grimly wading through a series of traumatic events will leave injuries in anyone, child or adult, whether they try to squash the feelings down (good strategy, but won't last forever and typically will progress to dysfunctional behaviour and/ or relationships) or whether they are conscious of the pain and grief at the time.

It's not all about you. Your OP sounds unpleasantly self absorbed, you resent someone else getting any praise and then proceed to judge how hard or easy you think she has it. Do you really want to be that person? Bitter, judgemental and self centred?

Rather than focusing on your resilience, why not try to be more generous to other people who have their own struggles through life, and be nice and supportive to your colleague while she goes through a hard time? Kindness and generosity is as valuable as resilience.

I don't see any contradiction between breakdowns and resilience. My dd has had any number of breakdowns and even a couple of suicide attempts, she can't function for a day without her meds and has severe anxiety. But every time she comes back, she tries again, she is still a decent human being, she has a sense of humour, she doesn't let herself become bitter or envious. I call that resilience.

Sorry OP, but I voted YABU.

If a colleague was enthusiastic about X wearing a blue dress and you were wearing a green dress that day, would that mean they hated your dress?

No, it just means they liked X’s blue dress.
That is all.
Nothing else to it.

I think if you are regularly reframing conversations in your head that cast you as the victim, you need support to reframe your thinking so that you can ‘hear’ exactly what it being said and stop linking it back to yourself and making yourself unnecessarily unhappy. It must be very draining for you.

I'm resilient. Do you know why? Because I lost my mum at 15, was homeless at 17 ...wont go on. My point is, resilience sometimes comes because its survival.

So crack on and continue with your navel gazing and inward looking perspective or start building some yourself.

Can you get therapy / take a course to improve your resilience ?

It also means people often assume you are fine with everything and you feel responsible in every situation.

This. I am very resilient (at least outwardly - I am great at compartmentalising and can seem as fine as I want to at work / in public even if I am not doing too well inside / in private) and people see it as a reason to pile lots of pressure and responsibility onto those of us who are like me to take the pressure off those that are seen as less resilient. It can be exhausting and the expectation that I will just cope, no matter what, can be quite daunting!!

Sorry, that wasn't directly related to OP. I do think OP, that it would probably be interesting (and yes, perhaps uncomfortable or painful) to explore why you feel the praise of your colleague is a criticism of you.

I wonder if you have a sensitivity around independence/ dependence. Socio-culturally we are conditioned to believe that plodding on and doing your work, despite the fact that your world is crumbling around your ears, is approved as the ideal behaviour because productivity is valued above all. 'Standing on my own two feet' is always said with pride (nothing wrong with that) as if that is the only acceptable way to be in the world.

Honestly, nobody going through a breakdown or debilitating depression or life changing illness or whatever should feel ashamed that they have needs, and one of those needs might be to depend on others for a while - or forever, for some folks.

I also do find it's interesting that several posters have more or less said the supportive husband or the financial security of the resilient colleague have no bearing on her resilience.

I believe it's a lot easier to deal with the big shit that life can throw at you and maintain a bit of equilibrium if you're not worried sick about being made homeless because you can't pay your rent for example, and if you have at least one supportive relationship where you feel really seen and heard and understood (not necessarily a spouse).

I don't know your history but have you suffered any ACE's as a child? Adverse childhood experiences can have a huge impact on resilience. If you have suffered any trauma or health issues that too can impact you ability to cope. It is not a matter of choice. Some people have nervous systems that are permanently set on high alert and as a result get burnt out. There are things you can do such as TRE, brainspotting and EMDR which can all help build resilience via the brain and the nervous system. I know.how hard it is to see others succeed and feel you are always one step behind. Be kind to yourself and try to find support for your needs rather than judging against others. It will help. xx

Resilience is a good quality to have to an extent - however some people are seen as resilient from an outside perspective... I'm described in appraisals as resilient, positive, works well in pressured situations, good coping mechanisms, efficient, meets deadlines etc
However that is what the see not what is really going on...
I meet deadlines and am efficient because I put far too much pressure on myself to have everything in my life organised down to the last minute...
I appear positive, resiliant etc because in our family we cope, we manage, we get on with it - that's how we have always been brought up.. As a result I like to be there for people, support them through hard times etc. When my grandparents died I was the strong one, when my Dad lost his job I came up with a temporary financial solution, when anyone is ill I sort it... It comes at a huge cost mentally and I'm medicated for the combination of anxiety, over thinking and low mood but some people plaster on a smile, crack on with work and to the outside world are fine.

Basically everyone has different qualities, ways of coping and that's fine... Everyone is different and you will have your own qualities and just because someone else is praised doesn't mean they think any less of you x

YABVU. IMO You come across as jealous OP, not necessarily upset. Resilience is praiseworthy - and saying that it’s easier for her to be resilient because she has things in life that you don’t is unfair and makes you sound very bitter. I’m sorry you’ve experienced difficulties with your mental health, but painting yourself as the victim who has it so much harder than everyone else won’t help you get better. You seem to just accept that you don’t have resilience, but that’s something you need to focus on. Work on building your own resilience rather than begrudging someone else’s.

OP is only “making things about you” (her) in her own mind and on MN! She’s presumably not said anything to her colleagues or other people in RL.