To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

@PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock

A lot of people tend to forget that resilience is mostly about dealing with normal stressors. Arguments,bad feedback ,failing at something etc. When you can't cope with these things and they interfere to day to day life that's when you need to work on being more resilient.

Trauma,heartbreak,bereavement etc fall outside of this and people deal with them in different ways,and that's completely fine.

This is such a useful comment. I am resilient to ‘normal’ stressors-lost keys, stolen car, dead cat-but my health has been up and down for the last five years and sometimes there’s just no pushing through that.

I'm resilient. Do you know why? Because I lost my mum at 15, was homeless at 17 ...wont go on. My point is, resilience sometimes comes because its survival

Yes exactly. People often tell me I'm so strong and how they could never have the guts to do what I did (start a business from scratch etc). But the reason i am so "strong" is because I went through literal hell as a kid/teen/young adult and I had no choice but to either toughen up or crumble and give up. I chose the first option. That is the only reason I am "resilient" now.

So what? Maybe she is more resilient than you.

You probably do something else better than her. We're all different.

Great post Peckalina

Perhaps she’s a bit like me. I feel absolutely awful with anxiety and stress most of the time, but I must be good at acting or something as I have what I call ‘my face’ which I put on when with others. Mostly I can do it, but some days I am a crying mess when I just want to hide away (or worse) 😢

Which is to say yabu, op, but I get it-you’re seeing that society values something you don’t see yourself as. It’s like heavily praising someone’s slim figure with a size 20 in the room.

Look up a lady called Carolyn Spring. You mentioned shame in your Op. Shame is debilitating and can lead to feeling powerless. It's ok not to feel as good as others and it does not make you selfish, jealous or bitch. It makes you someone who is struggling with an aspect of themself they wish they could change. And the first step to change is admitting it's how we feel. Therapy would do you good. Asking for support on these boards might not.

Oh I really disagree that resilience is something that you can switch on or build up-yes it can be developed but many people with early hardship are very fragile! Good for pps who ‘toughened up’ but many people don’t and I’m sure it’s not because they enjoy feeling like shit.

Resilience is such a bullshit concept in the way it's used in our society.

It's basically used as an extra way to pat people on the back for the dumb luck of having an easy life. Or by individuals whose method for coping with the uncertainty of life is trying to con themselves into believing they actually have the power to stop terrible things happening to them. As if.

Look at the number of people who've posted since lockdown along the lines of "I've always thought of myself as so resilient/positive/pragmatic but now lockdown has happened I can't cope and I don't understand it...". On further inspection they all turn out the same way.

They weren't especially resilient/ positive/pragmatic before, it was just that they'd had fucking easy lives without any real or significant challenges up until the pandemic tipped it all upside down.

They were just using it as a way of saying to themselves "trauma, mental illness, suffering won't ever happen to me because unlike those other people I am resilient and able to control the uncontrollable (i.e. It's their own damn fault and because I am not like them it won't ever happen to me)" .

Same as when people blame rape victims because it makes them feel safer to say "unlike her I wouldn't ever walk there/wear that/trust a stranger and therefore I am safe because those are things I can control" (whereas the reality is you can't control somebody else deciding to assault you but facing that makes people feel unbearably unsafe).

All bullshit.

I agree OP with people who have said that you are more resilient than you think. Anyone can have a breakdown, it's not a sign of weakness. I think your anxiety is over-analysing and saying 'When they talk about X they must also be saying "Unlike @Pigletspal who is always having breakdowns ugh"' - because it really doesn't work that way.

Yy user. People try to protect themselves from feeling empathy for other people’s pain by blaming them for it.

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

You are over sensitive. Being resilient is an admirable and good quality and you should strive to be more like her, rather than taking it personally.

But the reason i am so "strong" is because I went through literal hell as a kid/teen/young adult and I had no choice but to either toughen up or crumble and give up. I chose the first option.

So you think the only reason people break under the weight of extreme suffering is because they choose to do so? Not just because they are different people going through different circumstances and ensuring different reactions? They choose not to survive? Really?

I get that it makes your story more meaningful and bearable to you to interpret your experiences that way but think about what you're saying about those who don't survive. That they chose it.

That's the same bullshit as saying people die from cancer because they didn't fight hard enough. Fuck off is it.

I think that there is much work that can be done around resourcing the nervous system so we can cope with life more effectively. I have experienced great steps forward with TRE and brainspotting. There is so little understanding around trauma and it's impact on the nervous system. Most people assume that people can and should just pull them selves together but that is not possible if your own nervous system keeps flipping in to fight/flight or freeze mode at times you most need it to be calm. It makes life pretty challenging and tiring for the person and thus more prone to low self esteem, depression and breakdowns. It has nothing to do with their desire to be better than others. They just want to respond in a normal way and deal with life as most other people seem to.

YANBU - its hard watching others effortlessly manage in situations that you can't. OP is just being honest. And comparing life coping skills to be able to play the piano or draw doesn't really add up.

@larklight

I think you do sounds resilient OP. I have MH issues and I know how difficult it is to drag yourself through breakdowns, burnouts, whatever you want to call them. If you've done that 3 times in the last 8 years, then you are doing well.

It's hard to compare different types of coping. A person with good mental health pulling themselves through a break up or bereavement is different from someone struggling on a daily basis with depression or anxiety. Neither is more or less admirable. They all deserve support and kindness, but we can't expect everyone to be able to cope in the same way, and bring the same mental and emotional resilience to the difficulties they face. Some of us just aren't mentally equipped to be resilient, and to all the people who seem to think that's just navel gazing with their "it's not about you" comments, you need to increase your knowledge and awareness of mental health and the impact it has on people's lives.

OP, lark light and only a couple of people around here are being kind enough to offer some understanding and support. Listen only to that... A lot of people don't have enough experience or empathy, nor do they understand shame and low self esteem. People react differently and I understand where you're coming from. Don't forget that you have been v resilient yourself, you're still carrrying on don't diminish your success with your own issues. You've succeeded to get here. Good on you and carry on. Yes low self esteem can make everything feel like it's meant against us but it is not...it's just that it resonates with the negative opinion we hold on ourselves. I think you're diminishing your positives. Don't strive to be perfect. There isn't such a thing and just like people have said around here, resilience is a little bit of a grand whizz word in this world where everyone should up and do it and be a go getter and just carry on. We don't all function the same. And no the people who tell that woman she is doing well are not thinking of you probably at all, they're just encouraging most likely. But there is also that need to praise and talk empty talk when these situations arise in social or work situations. It does not mean you haven't done an amazing job yourself. Please remember people manage in different ways, depending on what the cards being dealt to them, the time, the space, the upbringing, the support system.. Ultimately all is relative... And for those who have come here to point a finger and be outraged by whatever they consider to be self absorbed thinking... Ignore them. Nobody with a decent bone starts trying to help or comment by pointing a finger or shaming. Progress is done through kindness and encouragement.. Upwards and onwards. Keep going!

How have you managed to make your colleagues situation all about you?

its hard watching others effortlessly manage in situations that you can't.
If it makes this ^ easier - many people that you think are effortlessly managing may well only be outwardly doing so. Certainly often true for me.

This was raised a couple of weeks ago. I'll say it again. Resilience is bollocks. It's a stick used to beat those of us who are less fortunate.

"So and so coped well with X difficulty, why can't you"

Everyone has a breaking point. The people who pride themselves on their resilience, or even who say oh I hate being resilient. Well don't worry, one day life might serve you such a shit sandwich you will find out what a lack of "resilience" looks and feels like.

So you think the only reason people break under the weight of extreme suffering is because they choose to do so? Not just because they are different people going through different circumstances and ensuring different reactions? They choose not to survive? Really

Nope. I am saying that resilience isnt just being "lucky"- its often due to having to develop your own coping strategies after going through grief and loss and really horrible things. Its horribly dismissive to tell people they are resilient due to living a problem free life. You have NO idea what they have been through in the past. Thats what I am saying. Never assume someone is "lucky" because you really dont know what they've been through behind closed doors...

This isn't about you though. It's about her. And what she's achieved. Why shouldn't she be praised for resilience just because you're not resilient?

Nope. I am saying that resilience isnt just being "lucky"- its often due to having to develop your own coping strategies after going through grief and loss and really horrible things. Its horribly dismissive to tell people they are resilient due to living a problem free life. You have NO idea what they have been through in the past. Thats what I am saying. Never assume someone is "lucky" because you really dont know what they've been through behind closed doors

Yep, this.

Your level of resiliency is not set in stone. As time goes by, you may become as tough as old boots. I used to be meek as anything, cry easily, easily hurt and really wounded by people being nasty to me... (abusive childhood didn't help i'm sure). But having come through some very hard life experiences, I discovered I'm actually a fighter. I can't remember the last time I cried. I recognise when things are shit, but they don't get under my skin like they used to.

Some great comments on this thread about how resilience can often be used as a way to shame people. My friend works for an employer who's been absolutely horrible during lockdown and when people have tried to raise legitimate concerns about their working conditions they've been offered resilience training rather than actually address any of the employer's behaviour.

We all have different capacities to cope with situations. No one is lesser than another person because they find it difficult to cope with their life circumstances, and you can't resilience train your way out of mental/physical health issues or traumatic life experiences.