To get upset when people are praised for resilient

[Pigletspal]

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

Best wishes to you Pigletspal

To come back on AIBU with such a constructive and dignified response shows so much resilience OP.

Peckalina, your responses are so compassionate, it's lovely.
Do you know what, if we're all honest with ourselves (and because of our ego's demands we are not a lot of the time), we've all experienced the pain of Pigletspal even if it was fleeting and maybe a while ago. It might even be current because we don't want to believe that it's part of us.
It's brave and honourable to say these things, OP.
I 100% promise what you are experiencing is very, very human.
You're not alone.
The people that are criticising are most likely unable to understand and/or see it as a weakness within themselves.
Remember: there is a difference between self pity and self compassion - google Kristin Neff.
She's very good.
Brene Brown and Tara Brach are also very good.
Remember: the way you talk to yourself inside your own head is crucial.

This woman is extraordinary and gets the message across simply.

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

100% agree.

Resilience and empathy are supposedly on opposite ends of the spectrum - gain resilience, lose empathy. There's a balance.

100% agree

And I 100% don't. One of the most important things you can do to make yourself happy and healthy and resilience is to be helpful and grateful. Helping other people is really good for you. Trying to be there for people makes you more resilient.

@BlueBirdGreenFence

To come back on AIBU with such a constructive and dignified response shows so much resilience OP.

This entire AIBU is like slipping into a parallel universe of well thought out responses

That’s a nice counterpoint @MrsTerryPratchett. I do agree that when i’ve been most down, being kind to others has helped me remember how to be kind to myself

Yes, I agre MrsTerry. Action makes the difference.

The sort of empathy that inspires action in support of the other person, has the side-effect of teaching the giver resilience. They are modelling coping strategies to themselves, which they'll remember for the future. They are also demonstrating the practical value of asking for help.

The sort of 'empathy' that the empathiser turns inwards upon themselves and turns into maudlin self-pity, that the so-called empathiser then wallows in, while sitting on their bum, is the sort that prevents resilience from developing.

I would argue that the latter is not really empathy at all. It's self-pity turned outwards. People who do this and talk about it are not empathetic, they are grief vampires.

I think people who think resilience and empathy are opposites probably think all introverts are shy as well.

@Pigletspal

I know I am probably BU.

I am not a very resilient person. I have had 3 ... not breakdowns exactly, but certainly serious burn-out episodes in the past 8 years. I get anxious easily. I suppose I am a sensitive person who is easily knocked.

I have a colleague who to be fair is going through a madly difficult time at home but still carries on well at work. Everyone seems to go on and on about how resilient and strong she is.

It’s true. She is. Hearing people say it though just makes me feel so ashamed, because I know nobody would ever describe me that way. I feel looked down on as weak or soft. Even though they are being kind to her, I read between the lines and think they must regard me with scorn.

Even though she is going through a tough time, in many respects this lady is lucky, she has a supportive husband, she’s in a really strong financial position and just seems to have a lot of coping resources that I don’t have.

AIBU to be taking this personally?

There are a few things more infuriating than somebody saying 'Oh, but you're so resilient! You just keep on going, no matter what's thrown at you!'.

Yeah, great. I can be ill, I can be disabled, I can be bereaved, abused, bullied, but it's all OK because 'You're strong'.

Like fuck. I didn't have any bloody choice about it, because no fucker was offering to help because 'You can handle this, you're resilient'. They wouldn't believe that what was happening was really that bad. Because if it had been, surely I'd have been in a heap under the desk? They didn't want to see the state I was in, they didn't want to see how every day was another bundle of trauma to add to the last. Because then they'd have to take responsibility for their part in causing it.

It's an excuse for not making changes or taking action or helping.

It's a way of putting unreasonable pressure and demands upon somebody whilst abrogating responsibility for doing so.

It's a way of making the person under pressure/stress/suffering responsible for having the pressure/stress/suffering forced upon them.

Does your lady in the office get to say 'Actually, no, I'm not fucking invincible'? or does she have to live up to other people's expectations of her because she has no choice to do otherwise?

I realise my previous point on empathy was written in a rather impatient and unempathetic way! I'd qualify by describing active and passive empathy a bit differently. The full-on black-hole of compassion, emotion-harvesting grief vampire, is another category again. They turn 'passive, self-pitying, empathy' into an active sport.

The main thing is though, that 'active empathy' of the kind that can help build resilience in both the giver and receiver, doesn't need to be huge. It can be a simple thing like listening to someone, giving them a bit of time, or just acknowledging their pain.

Passively sitting about thinking 'what if that happened to me, how completely awful that would be', is the usual sort of passivity that extends the sense of pain and hopelessness and prevents resilience from developing.

Yes, you are and it sounds a bit bitter. For many people keeping some semblance of normality is a coping mechanism, just as other people's nervous systems shutting down is a coping mechanism for them - you don't often get a choice in it, it's how you're built.

Should she resent other people for getting sympathy, time off or exceptions made for them during difficult times? That would sound pretty nasty reversed, wouldn't it?

Being called resilient is bloody awful though. It's like being called a 'star', so patronising and dismissive. Saying that a person is resilient, rather than that they're being resilient, is a way of dismissing any idea of helping and supporting them and of casting them out on their own, forever. 'They'll cope, because they're so resilient'. Yes. Until they're not.

Not everything is about you

I consider myself resilient and get up and carry on every day. Yet looking at my life, I was in an awful abusive first marriage for years, struggled to care for my children, go to work, and keep everyday life on an even keel. I ended the marriage and now have a supportive DH but a severely disabled child who has multiple health issues which cause endless worries. I still work part time and we cope. We have to. No one will do it for us.

Sometimes I do get annoyed with people saying they suffer with anxiety and can't work or care for their children properly. Part of me does see it as weakness and I just want to say get a grip, but I know how helpless and anxious I feel when my child is ill and (as recently) in ICU, and I know many people feel like this all the time through no fault of their own.

What I've seen of anxious people who are not resilient, is they are very self absorbed. I spend my life doing things for others and rarely for myself which is also a negative as I think I've not developed as an individual. I really am torn between being irritated and sympathetic to people who find coping difficult, but I also think I'm very unreasonable by being irritated.

I've seen the difference between passive and active empathy as being that between empathy and compassion. Empathy is identifying with the feeling yourself (and can become overwhelming and action-preventing), while compassion is feeling for another person.

I'm not sure I understand the word empahy so narrowly but do think that the word compassion could do with a revival.

The people i know who are resilient tend to have had more stable/secure childhoods. People i know who are oversensitive tend to have had more stressful and less stable/secure childhoods.

..and perhaps poor role models for dealing with stress/lots of criticism/family arguments

Gushing praise of children is supposed to be bad for resilience as well so some children from stable homes can also suffer a little from a lack. Specific, targeted praise that is proportionate is better.

The difference between, "OMG what an amazing picture, you are an incredible artist" and "that bird is really realistic, did you work hard on that because I think you did?".

Yes to everything lottiegarbanzo said

I'm considered resilient so people assume that I never need help. My abusive childhood taught me not to moan and to help myself because I wasn't worthy of help even from my own mum

My children had happy childhoods and are resilient. I think it helps that they aren't scared of failure and have the confidence to know that if things go wrong then I will help them back on the right track,