MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

I dont think YABU tbh...this is your family's holiday, they don't want to invite her, and you have offered to go on holiday with her separately. I'm not convinced this is even a MIL problem specifically...It's someone who wants to invite themselves on a holiday that they weren't invited to!

OP is going along on HER family holiday, that she has been going on since she was a child, she's not organising the holiday and it's not her place to invite others to the holiday. If MIL wants a holiday to Florida why does she not arrange it and invite who SHE wants to invite?

I have been in similar situations, and the dynamics just haven't worked, especially if the "joiner" is a difficult person. It just didn't work, and everyone felt uncomfortable, it completely changed the holiday.

Tell her that she is not able to join your family's group holiday, but you and DH would be happy to go on a separate holiday with her?

I would do it once and see how it goes.

If you go every 4 years, take her. We took my mum with us once cos she would never have gone otherwise. You might want to put some rules in place or tell her what to expect, e.g. we go out everyday at xx time. But I would invite her.

If I understand this correctly it's your parents who are hosting, OP? You should discuss it with them if this is the case, they might be happy for her to come along and your Mum might like a lady of a similar age to chat to (moan with!)

There is no way I would have mixed my MIL with my own families holiday. I don't buy into this 2 families become 1 thing at all.. I would however push for a 2 family holidays , 1 with each side. Also would try to make sure I spent more time with MIL (or at least husband and child if you don't want to join in every time). Can't blame MIL for wanting to see more of you if she is hearing about all the fun you're having with your family, but I also can't imagine my own Mum or MIL EVER telling me they wanted to come along, they would have waited for an invite.

Sounds like you have made every effort to integrate your husband into your family and erase the fact that he already has family, his mother. Doesn’t sound like you have any interest in becoming part of his family. Frankly I dread the thought of my son marrying someone with your attitude.

How is the holiday "run" - is it a villa break where everyone has room and pitches in? Is the driving shared? Does everyone like the same food? Does everyone all go to the same place, or do you split up some days? How would she fit in with the whole dynamic? (bearing in mind that if she is not a "do your own thing" type, you and DH would be entertaining her)

We are Florida veterans and will not go with others because we want to do it "our" way - not theirs. We would go other places. Just not Florida.

Does anyone else’s in-laws come along?

And that’s not about not inviting her on holiday, by the way. Just your general attitude towards her.

I can see your viewpoint, as my MIL is single and expects to come on our family holidays, too. It would be less of a chore if she had a partner. She can’t entertain herself, takes an age to get ready in the morning and then sits waiting for someone to take her somewhere. Also, she doesn’t stop talking and is really very negative and judgemental about everything and everyone. So having her around is draining.

On the other hand, I’m a mum of boys and I fear becoming a MIL and being alienated by future DIL and their preference for being with their own family 😭

I remember this when she’s about and try to be kind. She comes on one of our annual holidays, but that’s enough.

I'm almost always on the side of the OP over an MIL, but to go off on massive holidays and leave out your husband's mum who has very little family is so cruel. And the odd comment and suggestion about raising a baby is par for the course from most MILs, that's not enough to exclude her so completely.

No doubt OP will drip feed more about MIL.

Honestly, I would invite my in laws on a family holiday with my side of the family but I love them and they've always treat me as one of their own.
If you don't have that relationship with her, then you're not in the wrong to not invite her.

Bit harsh OP

Poor MIL I feel sorry for her, she doesn’t have anyone else.

I get your feelings, but the right thing to do is to invite her to tag along. She is part of your family at the end of the day. And you never know, maybe she'll behave!
I personally wouldn't enjoy the holiday knowing we have left her behind, all alone at home.

Also very rude of your family to criticise her and say she’s annoying, did your DH speak up for her? I wouldn’t allow anyone to talk badly about my mum.

It's not just your holiday, though. It's your parents' and siblings' holiday too. They all need to be on board with MIL coming or it wouldn't be fair. I'd have a separate holiday with her another time.

Unless she’s literally as evil and shit stirring as my mum (who literally called dh a “selfish bastard” for marrying me and “taking (me) away” from her then you’re not being very nice. She’s lonely. Life is short. You go on big family things all the time. She misses out. You seem to see your family as the only family you have. That’s not fair.

I don’t think you have to take her on your family holiday necessarily but still think you lack empathy. How wonderful for you to have such a big, jolly, welcoming family to spend quality time with. Her son has been lucky to be welcomed in such a set up. Probably feels a bit shit for her being left on her puff as the second choice though eh? I know it would cut me to the core.

Well you’ve made it perfectly clear that your family wouldn’t welcome her to join you if they’re fully aware of the rows that have happened in the past with your husbands mother.

There’s a lot of ‘we’ in your post, have you twisted his mind now so your husband sees his mum as the bad guy? It sounds like it.

What holiday did you suggest as the ‘compromise’? A caravan in Skegness?

How many christmases have you actually spent with her and not your family?

When you say that you find it odd that she wants to go away on a holiday with a family that isn’t hers, what does that mean because you do realise that your son is still her son and your daughter is her grandchild? They’re her family. You’re trying to cut her out of his life?

Why do you dislike your husbands mum so much?

Disclaimer, Skegness is very nice but probably not nice enough for the OP

I dont like my inlaws and have very little to do with them, but i feel sorry for your MIL, she is lonely and is your husbands family. Why cant she just come to Florida once, if all your family and their partners go then one more isnt going to hurt.

And i normally side against the MIL in threads but this time i feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry for your MIL. It would be completely different if she wanted to gatecrash holidays that just involved you, DH and your kids. But this sounds like a large group holiday. It sounds like you really don't like the woman

OP's parents are under no obligation to extend invite to their daughter's mother-in-law, especially as other children's in-laws are not there. If two families get together at Xmas that's one thing but a fortnight away is another entirely.
It's unfair pressure on the OP to put pressure on her parents.
It's a bit odd that it has not been requested before and clearly is because of the birth of the grandchild and insecurity about future rituals/competitive grandparenting. I have a son and daughters - I cannot imagine ever inviting myself to go away with their in-laws, why would I want to do that if my own dc have offered to go away with me in any case. Sounds like my worst nightmare in fact.