MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

From the title, I assumed she was wanting to crash a holiday that was just for your nuclear family. I don't think much of MILs who do that.But actually, it's a group holiday, the poor woman just wants to be included for once, and since she will be heavily outnumbered it's unlikely she would change the dynamic. Seriously, I think you should include her, if you can get your family to agree. And then lay down some ground rules so that she understands that she will need to fit into the existing dynamic.

The MIL is being invited on holiday with the ops immediate family, so MILs own son, the DC and OP. She doesn't want that family holiday- she wants to join the Florida holiday only.

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else

This makes me think she is being very unreasonable tbh- you haven't said no to a holiday with her entirely. I don't think the rest of your family should have to holiday with someone they don't like much and don't want to share a holiday with tbh.

I can see both sides. MIL is probably lonely and feels a bit casted out from her son, DIL and DGC. However, it clears you don't have the best relationship with her. And I'm guessing as she doesn't know your family well she will want to spend all of her time with you and your DP. I also understand your side, this is your family and a tradition.

I think you have been fair by offering another break and if you all go it's likely you will end up falling out on close proximity for so long.

It would be mind to invite her and you your husband your daughter ARE her family. You’re family sound very welcoming so why wouldn’t you welcome her also?

Is your OH happy with always going on holiday with his ILs or does he have no say in the matter? I find that strange tbh.

You say your family has been going to Florida since you were young. Presuming you didn't know your now-dh then he is an 'additional person' coming on your family holiday and he's included, so why can't your MIL?

Your dislike for her shows op. It doesn't sound fair on her and your family only know about the arguments because you made it their business surely.

You're being mean. Poor woman.

Aw I would invite her. She's on her own. I'm sure she would do her own thing, half the time she's there anyway!

You are coming across as a very selfish person, OP. Your poor MIL, having basically lost her son to your extended family.

You don't sound very friendly or understanding, frankly. And if all the grown up kids have partners and take them along, how are they more relatives than your mother in law?

I feel sorry for her with a selfish DiL like you.

You don't come across as a very nice DIL in the thread, quite 'mean girl'. I feel for your MIL, what a shame she's not allowed to be included.

If you had said there was his whole family wanting to go, thatd be different. But one other person wouldn't make it much different! She just wants to be involved with her new family

I feel sorry for her too.

Her son has been welcomed into this big family and she's left on her own.

I can totally see your plight in not wanting her to come on the Florida holiday. However, I don’t think this would be such a big deal for your MIL if she was more included in your day to day life.

From your post, you do make it sound like your family take priority and that you don’t see her half as much as you see them and I can imagine from her POV, that must hurt/ sting a bit.

I’m not really sure what you can do re the Florida holiday tbh other than just say you’re really sorry butch your parents aren’t keen as it would change the dynamic. But if you’re going to say that, you really need to compensate by spending more time with her and booking another holiday with her. Maybe even to Florida next year if you can afford it.

I do get where you’re coming from, ILs just aren’t the same as your own parents but her son just can’t disown her. She does exist so perhaos if not a lot of effort is normally made with her, try and make more.

I find my mother in law annoying, but I would never be this mean to her! Poor woman - she raised your DP alone and is now watching from the sidelines whilst her son is absorbed into your big, happy family. Whenever my mother in law annoys me, I remind myself that I would be devastated if any of my dc’s future partners managed me out of their lives and that she loves my dh, like I love my dc. Have some flipping empathy!

And I'm not sure why people are saying you are immature, if you're close to your family and get along why wouldn't you go on holiday with them and talk to your family about any problems in your life (ie your MIL upsetting you).

People have different relationships with family and friends, doesn't mean its wrong or immature.

Why is everyone assuming her OPs DP was brought up in poverty and the MIL struggled to raise him? Or was a brilliant parent - as far as we know she could have been a millionaire or a shit parent.

This is one of those posts that you hope isn't real, because the OP is so selfish.

Has the OP suggested a holiday with her MIL to Florida without her own family being there?

It sounds very much like you and your DH spend lots of time with your family and he has fully embraced being part of that while leaving his mum, who brought him up alone and has no one now, to her own devices. It's really very sad. I have a large family and our various partners are all included etc but... the very nature of a large family means that we are inclusive and our various in laws are always included in things.

I can sort of see why you don't want her on the Florida holiday but it's pretty clear you don't want her around at all so it does seem unnecessarily mean. And it's a bit late to offer to do something with her as clearly for years you haven't bothered.

What does DH think?

Where have you suggested as a holiday destination for you, your DP, baby and MIL?

Because if it's Cleethorpes, she has a point.
If it's New York, she probably doesn't.

I'd stop going on holiday with anyone. Just go you, your DP and DC. Then nobody can complain.

I feel sorry for your mil, to be honest you sound like a horrible daughter in law. The woman had brought your husband up as a single parent, and seems to have done a good job. She doesn’t have a large family like you do, nor the opportunity to have large family holidays as yours have done.

I also find it awful that you have discussed her with your family to the extent that they ‘find her a bit annoying’. This shows a complete lack of tolerance on their part, and the ability to understand there are always two sides to any story, and she may see it differently. She is your family member as well

If Florida is somewhere she wishes to visit, and i agree it’s not somewhere you can necessarily visit on your own, then I don’t see why you cant all go, staying in a villa near your family, so you can see them everyday but also spend time with your mil. Or perhaps going as a separate holiday unless you cant afford to go twice. If you can’t afford twice then perhaps it would be nice to forgo your holiday with your family this time and go with her.

It’s obvious from your post however you don’t seem to like her, but how about trying to put yourself in her shoes, if you were a single parent would you feel the same way. And don’t forget at some point in the future you may become a mil, would you want to be treated in the way you treat her

I wouldn’t have her on the Florida holiday. It will change the whole dynamic. You go once every 4 years, it not like if she ruins it, you can just go back another time. Given what you’ve said about her past behaviour it sounds like she will spoil it.
Offering her a different holiday together sounds like a fair compromise to me.

This is NOT OP's decision to make. This is a holiday that her own parents plan for their family. If they invite one DC's PIL then they have to invite them all. Which just isn't feasible.

I married into such a family and it was wonderful. And we had a big family holiday not long after we were married, that they invited my parents to join, which was lovely of them, and typical of their warmth. However, mine were the only PILs at that time, so it didn't create an issue with anyone else.

OP is getting a battering that she doesn't deserve here. Though I do get how envious MIL must feel, OP is doing her best by offering MIL a different holiday.