MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

YABU. It's not a new experience, you've been many times before. You're just excluding her because you want to. Very spiteful IMO.

I can see why she'd be envious, especially if she's always wanted to go there. That said, if it's a family holiday with your family that is always just them I don't see why they should be forced to accept her there, either.

Could you afford to go again in the gap between visits with your family and go with her?

I'm a widow, so is my daughter's MIL. My daughter and her H have several holidays on their own, but if family are going away as a group , they always invite both of us.

I get what you mean OP.

I have a similar situation, my family’s larger and MIL is on her own now (with poisonous BIL) and I don’t ever invite them to my family side of things. My family know however the way I have been treated over the years and the things that have been said so my family don’t want them either.

If she was to come along would she join in with the group flow or expect things to be done her way? I guess the offer would then need to be opened to other MIL’s which could end up being a nightmare

Why's it the DILs responsibility for making sure the MIL has the happy holiday she wants?! Does no one think the MIL should be proactive and say, 'i'd like us to go on holiday, here's some ideas?' does she actually want to be with her son and OP/DC or going to Florida is the main thing?!

If she wants you to go to Florida with her why isn't she planning a trip and inviting you along?

I feel like this is the mother of sons worst nightmare. Their son joining another family and being happy to cut you loose now your not the most important female in there life.

Don you have sons OP? Would you want to be let out like this.

Thank god my daughter in law treats us all equally. I couldn't imagine what it must be like for your MIL being on her own while you and her son and grandchild go off with your large family. Can you not see how spiteful it is! Absolutely heart breaking.

My son and daughter in law go away with her family and always try and include us in everything as we are ALL family.

I do think it's entirely unfair that you've shared your arguments with MIL with your family though, OP. That's something my late husband and I would never do. It's mean and creates a rift which is unnecessary and disloyal on your husband's part.

It seems that you spend vastly more time with your family, and MIL must be very lonely. Maybe she's handled her envy badly, but that doesn't make it right for you to fall out with her over it, rather than making time for her.

God no. She has absolutely no right to request that. It would be bizarre to have my MIL tagging along on my parent’s holiday - my mum and dad would find that really weird and uncomfortable. If she wants to go on holiday with you, you can decide on another one together.

I have a similar scenario with my in-laws as I really struggle spending time with them. I’m so glad MIL has FIL as I just couldn’t cope with it otherwise. I don’t necessarily agree with ‘fairness’ if you don’t enjoy spending time with her.

However, in this scenario I think my family would pull together and be welcoming as they’re just like that. Especially if she is alone! I think when kids are involved it’s natural for extended families to come together for stuff like this. If there’s a big group of you I don’t see why she can’t just blend in, is there any family member that she gets on okay with?

I’d invite her too. We have the opposite dynamic - my mum is alone and my husband’s family welcomed her as well as me into the family when we married. We meet as a big group often including Christmas and holidays sometimes. It’s lovely and it means we don’t have to choose between our families or leave anyone lonely.

I’m confused. OP says they are happy to go on holiday with her, just not this Florida holiday. It sounds like MIL has a tendency to be negative and critical and that this has caused problems in their relationship. Why would you choose to go on a once every four years holiday with someone like that?

Being single or someone’s parent doesn’t excuse past behaviour and mean that people owe you anything? Surely?

YABU. When we went to DW, DH was the one who called both my mum and his mum to make sure they could make it. It never occurred to him to see my mum as less than family.

You sound mean.

OP offered to go on holiday with her mil she just doesnt want her to come on this holiday. Dont see how your being mean as you've offered an alternative and shes not happy.
I wouldn't want my parents and my in laws holidaying together it wouldn't be able to relax.

YANBU.
We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else
MIL wanting a holiday with you and her GC is fair enough as you do it with your own family. You have made a kind offer to her and she has rejected it.
Her inviting herself on your family holiday with your family is massively U, especially if she does not socialise with them normally.

I feel very sorry for your MIL. 😕

Honestly you sound really mean, all this talk of family, has it escaped your mind that she is family, and without her your dp and baby would not even exist.

I wouldn’t invite her to Florida, it would change the family dynamics.

I would in the future, include her in your family breaks with DH and DC.

Op had offered to do other holidays with her. Mil is being co trolling by insisting it’s Florida. I would not want my sisters in laws coming away with us.

I wonder how you'd feel if it was your mum who was the lonely single parent and it was always your dh's family having all the jolly times. We hear a lot of bad mil stories on MN, but this one's only crime seems to be of feeling left out.

I think you’re being unfairly criticised here - doesn’t sound like it’s your holiday to invite guests along to. Just because you marry someone and join their family, it doesn’t make all of the various in-laws family in the same way.

We’ve always done things separately with in laws and my family. In our situation it wouldn’t work at all to go away all together. Nobody would properly relax and enjoy it.

How would it actually work on the holiday? Do you all spend time together or do your own thing? Would MIL expect you to spend all of your time with her? In my experience when you’re at the centre of two social groups or families who don’t know each other well (or like each other) mixing it can be exhausting trying to bridge the gap. Surely better to have a proper holiday with MIL where you can spend time together?

I would love to hear the MILs take on the whole relationships.

Apart from the ages and places our stories are very similar OP. We got round the issue by inviting her to join us on our separate family holidays eg if we were in France for 2 weeks, she came for a week. If we were Camping for a week in Cornwall we invited her for the weekend and so on. We did a few trips over the years and decided that this was the best thing to do. We no longer do this anymore as she doesn't want to come with us. She got used to it and it meant that we also included her and she got the time she wanted with our DC. We mixed the families for a weekend once and it was an utter disaster, so I wouldn't do it in Florida. Its not as is if its a regular thing for you guys, its every 4 years!