MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
"Can you give an idea of the difference in time spent between both your parents and his mother? She may have a point."

Some people are easier to be around than others. With a larger family you'll get invites to more events. What's she supposed to say "thank you sibling for the BBQ invite, unfortunately I cannot come as our parents might be there and my MiL might get jealous as this gives them an extra afternoon with us".

Leaving all holiday issues aside (for example what is the other holiday you offered - a weekend in a caravan??) for a moment can I just say the following.

How awful for the poor woman that because she now has DIL that her son and her grandchild are no longer her family!

As a mother of boys this really depresses me.

You’re entitled to do things with your family that don’t include your mil ffs.
This is so true. Saying that you should organize something she can take part in, maybe a staycation or something? If she has nobody then like it or not, you're her family. We went away will mil last year and everyone had great time and still talk about it, tryand get it out of your head that she's his family, you're all family now

You come across as really mean. I feel sorry for your MIL

I feel really sorry for your MIL. Yes you may find her annoying but once you made the decision to marry your DH you also married her into your family. If there really are 'loads' of you that go to Florida I can't see why one more person would make a difference as there'll be 'loads' of you for her to speak to and spend time with, she's not going to be lumped directly on to you all the time.

If she hasn't got anyone else to share a big family holiday with then and she has the means to pay for her portion of the trip then I really think you are being needlessly mean to deny her the chance of witnessing and sharing in the joy with her own Grandchildren, even if it's only every second trip, rather than every time you go.

Are people not reading "The MIL is being invited on holiday with the ops immediate family, so MILs own son, the DC and OP. She doesn't want that family holiday- she wants to join the Florida holiday only.*

My in laws very much treat me as one of their own. DH and I got together young, and his siblings were still children, so they've always had me around. I've been away with them. They were a lot more local than my parents when I had a baby, and had my parents stay overnight (they had the space, we didn't, someone ends up in the lounge). But they wouldn't dream of gatecrashing each others family holidays. They are the OPs in laws, but not her siblings' in-laws.
I sometimes do stuff with my husband and kids, my brother and his family, and our parents. It would massively change the dynamic if his wife's parents came, or if my husband's parents came.
Although I don't understand grandparents having a 'equal rights' to the grandkids. My kids see all their grandparents, but on terms that suit each family. We don't say, oh, my dad's invited us for a BBQ that weekend but we can't go because we haven't seen your dad or your stepdad. Depending on who has been living where at the time we've been able to pop for a cuppa or had to clear at least a weekend to see people, we couldn't make that balance.

Also, , who thinks that they ought to be invited on a holiday! Organising groups those is a massive ballache, you only do it for your nearest and dearest!

Sorry, OP, but based on the (admittedly little) detail here, I feel sorry for your MIL too.

You sound incredibly mean-spirited and utterly unkind. I wish I was generous enough to hope that you're not on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour from your own kid one day. But - and really to the detriment of my own kindness - I feel so sorry for your MIL that I find myself hoping that you will be sitting in a flat alone one day while your child goes off on a joyous family vacation with their spouse and spouse's family.

Gosh, I can’t believe the horrible things people are saying to you! Blimey.

What gives this woman the right to invite herself along? It is not your fault that she is single and alone, nor is it your responsibility to sort that out for her.

Please don’t ruin your parents’ holiday by dragging her along. I think you’ve been a saint for even suggesting an alternative.

She clearly thinks that when you married her son that the families were joining together. She clearly very much wants to be accepted as part of this larger family.
You however, clearly regard the two families as completely separate.

I feel sorry for your MIL. I think that having come from a large adn loving family you have a bit of an empathy bypass on what MILs life has been like.

If it was just a holiday for you, your husband and your baby then I would say you're definitely not being unreasonable. But the fact that you're going with your whole family and do so on a regular basis makes me think that you're being abit mean to not invite her along. Even if it's just this once, I don't see what harm it will do?

Also, in assuming your dh is her only child...she’s watched him be swallowed into a family set up she can’t hope to compete with. She may well feel like he’s been spirited away.

As someone who doesn’t have family either, I can well imagine how inadequate and dejected I might feel in the same circumstances.

I think it’s a little bit unfair - i don’t think it’s especially normal to invite in laws to large family gatherings, but the way you talk about her is spiteful. I’m not surprised you’ve ‘fallen out with her’ if you’re always banging on about your amazing family trips away but don’t make any effort to include her.

Personally I think you need to take a step back from your own family - continue to do whatever you’re doing, but it’s unfair to discuss the arguments with your MIL. I can’t believe your husband is happy with that.

How about you think what it would be like the other way round, you had the single mum as a parent and it was your husband with all the family. Would you be happy to have your mum treated this way. Some people just don't gel I get it, it makes it harder. But think of this, if your husband treats you well and gets on with your family it's his mum that's brought him up to be the person you love.

Plus this is something that happens every four years, not annually. If you were my daughter OP and literally begging me to invite her too as it would take a load off you, help your marriage and bring you something then I would consider it as I am your Mum and love you...but I would be aware if I did it once I would need to do it every time, that my other children would maybe put out or their in-laws have their noses put out of joint and that I would be calming waters all week which is no holiday for me. I am on my own atm and a bit fed up of the stereotype of lonely old MILs when many are independent with own lives and hobbies and no need to live vicariously.

I have a big family. Randoms welcomed. Amazing Christmases with my sils family overseas. My siblings have variously been very welcomed with my husbands family. You seem... very unwelcoming. To the single mum who brought your husband up. How did you put it? Thanks x good job, don’t worry about it anymore I’ll take him from here, have a nice life? Enjoy solitary old age?

Also - they ‘find her a little annoying’? You haven’t actually mentioned these things that are so annoying which makes me think that they’re the sort of things you excuse from people that you love but that wind you up with people you don’t.

Reading this has made me feel really sad. Your poor mil :(

This is the kind of DIL I dread getting.

be put out, puting out would be weird

Does your husband not wish to spend more time with his mother, as he does with your side of the family?

I have the opposite scenario to yours, in that it's my mum who is on her own, and DH with the big close sibling and parent relationships. We have often done big family long weekends and a few holidays with that side of the family. I often find myself wishing we could do more with my own mum, and it has lead to conversations with DH about wanting things to be more equal in terms of how we distribute our yearly budget for spending time with the wider family. Ie, we can't just say yes straight away to everything his side of the family suggest, as we used to.

Fair enough if the dynamics would not work to have MIL come on the Florida holiday, but I do feel a bit for her and think she probably just wants some kind of commitment and eagerness to spend time with her in the same way you do with your side of the family.

What you've written about the closeness of your family and how they've welcomed your husband and other partners into the family over the years strikes me as similar to what my husband and family would say about their lovely tight knit family set up. And it is just that, we have fun together. But as the 'in law' in this situation, there have been times when I've felt my side of the family has been overlooked, and my patience has worn thin with things my DH finds annoying or frustrating about spending time with my side of the family, when I tend to keep my mouth shut about the things that frustrate me about his side of the family.

My point is, it's always give and take with both sides in any extended family situation, and I wonder whether your husband has more feelings on this than he's communicated with you. Does he not care about spending the same kind of quality time with his mother? As others have said, I'd feel so sad if one of my children grows up to have a clear preference for prioritising time with their partner's family over me.

Well shoot I best email my mil to be outraged that they didn’t invite my mother on any of the family holidays they have arranged.

Common people this isn’t ops trip it’s a holiday that her parents arrange and invite their children, children’s partners and grandchildren. It’s not a an entire extended family trip and it’s nots ops choice anyway.

Ops offered a holiday with the mil, dh and baby she’s not entitled to holiday with ops siblings and parents for Christ sake.

My parents met my In-laws a hand full of times briefly but mainly at our wedding they are not family to each other. If we divorced they wouldn’t be friends.

Doesn’t your husband mind being swallowed into your big family while his mother is elbowed out? Holidaying every year with your parents and spending loads of time with them. Is he really happy with your family priorities?

My family also goes on big group holidays once a year. I don't agree with PP who says this is immature, it's a way for us all to spend a good bit of time together and it works out cheaper to rent a villa between us all instead of individual holidays.

If my In Laws insisted on going I know my family would say absolutely no chance. However, they have good reason I was married abroad and PIL behavior during the entire week was awful. My family saves really hard for our holiday and we know it would be ruined by them.

Although in your situation I would be willing to give her a chance. Could you talk it through with your family and ask if it would be OK if she could come just one time?