MIL expects to come on family holiday

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been together 10 years, I am 30 and he is 28, we have just had our first baby together this year.

I have a big family and have always been very close with them throughout my life, and when I got together with my husband 10 years ago, my parents welcomed him in to the family like one of their own and we have had numerous holidays and good times altogether ever since.
My sister and brothers partners are the same and have been welcomed into the family, and we all get in very well and have a great time whatever we do.

My MIL, was a single mum and has always been a little jealous of the amount of time we spend with my family compared the amount of time we spend with her. We have fallen out with her numerous time over this, as well as over other things eg most recently when she made comments about how we are doing things with our baby daughter (which she says is caring, but we find negative and judgemental).

My family have gone to Florida every 4 years since I was young and have continued to do this even as we’ve grown up, we’re all big kids and love all the rides and shows, and now that we have started having children, we still intend to keep up the tradition of going frequently.

My MIL feels that we should invite her on long to Florida with my family as she is single and wouldn’t have anyone else to go with.

This puts me and my husband in a difficult situation because my family enjoy going to Florida as our family and wouldn’t want an additional person coming along on our family holiday.
My family do know her as she has been there for the odd Xmas etc, but they also know about all the rows we have had with her in the past and find her a little annoying, so aren’t particularly keen on her.

I appreciate that she is single and doesn’t have as many people to go on holiday with, but why should my family have to have her tag along with them?

We have suggested doing a separate holiday to somewhere else but she is adamant that Florida is where she wants to go to and she thinks we are being inconsiderate that she’s not invited to come along with us on my family’s holiday. I think she’s being unreasonable, and find it strange that she wants to come away with a family that isn’t hers.

Am I being unreasonable or is she being unreasonable?

It's only fair to give just as much attention as you do your family.
It's fair only if it's deserved. If my MIL was a PITA then I'd spend less time with her than my own family

She could be really depressed and want to be part of a big family
That doesn't entitle her to inject herself into someone else's family.

The fact she raised her son single handed and now he snubs her is horrible.
If you RTFT, that only happened 4 years before OP met the son. Besides, why are you blaming OP for his actions. The point that her other son does the same doesn't suggest something?

We holiday with my DH family once a year. Theres alot of us. If my mum was on her own and lonely I would ask her to join us too. Shes family for goodness sake!
What if members of your DH family didn't want your mum of their holiday? Op has offered her MIL alternatives which were rejected.

Unless she was a really awful trouble maker I think its mean to keep her at arms length all the time.

She clearly regularly causes bad feeling so the OP is NBU to not want her to join her own parents' family holiday that everyone saves up for over four years.

How on earth is saying "I can't insist that you are invited by my parents to join their family group holiday, however, we'd like to take you to Dubai or Croatia" keeping someone at arm's length all the time?

I'm guessing your MIL wants to come on this particular holiday, rather than the alternative you 'offered' for two reasons......

1. She dislikes you as much as you patently dislike her and hopes that you will go off with your oh so fun and fabulous family and allow her some time with her son and grandchild.

And 2. Well it's Florida init?

She dislikes you as much as you patently dislike her and hopes that you will go off with your oh so fun and fabulous family and allow her some time with her son and grandchild.

She wants to go on holiday with the OP in order to get some time away from her?

This is all such bollocks.

I love my DP, we go on trips with them.

I love my MIL, we go on trips with her.

A dynamic has been established in both situations. We have tried mixing the 2, and it doesn't work. The people you may love don't necessarily know or love each other in the same way. You just don't have the same history or experiences together. And as much as we love them all, immaturity doesn't come into it. Not everyone gets on the same.

So I we go to Italy on beach holidays with MIL.

We go on boozy European city breaks with my DP.

We don't merge the 2. It doesn't work. We love them all but the dynamic is very different. We would not enjoy a big holiday together as much as we enjoy our separate holidays.

Call me a cunt, go for it. I hate when people say "the more the merrier". It very often doesn't work and makes everyone unhappy.

1. She dislikes you as much as you patently dislike her and hopes that you will go off with your oh so fun and fabulous family and allow her some time with her son and grandchild

Yeah, because on their family holiday OP and her DH aren't going to want to spend any time together 🤨

I wish we could do a pollon this thread to see which posters are mothers to boys.

a poll on....

Yeah, because on their family holiday OP and her DH aren't going to want to spend any time together

Not 24/7 I'd like to think. I mean someone's got to look after the baby when OP's on the rides haven't they?

I will be honest, I haven't rtft but couldn't you invite her along?

My SIL comes from a big happy family and my brother (being a lazy sort) is usually with her family. This makes our small family feel even smaller. Even at his wedding, there were loads of professional photos taken of them, ours were 'to be done later' but never happened.

What are the accommodation plans for the holiday? If it's hotel instead of shared she wouldn't really be in anyone's way.

And now come the deluge of posters who think their opinions are SO important and SO unique that 900 posts just don’t matter. 🙄

Not 24/7 I'd like to think. I mean someone's got to look after the baby when OP's on the rides haven't they?

Maybe her husband would like to go in the rides with his wife? There's already 8 other adults there available to look after the baby; MiL would have to take turns. She'd do much better in terms of getting time with her son and grandchild if she accepted their offer of Dubai or Croatia.

@isthisnothing that's another point, we normally stay in a villa. So to have my MIL with us, we'd need to find somewhere with a whole extra bedroom. It's already difficult enough finding a villa for 10.

I think you’re right not to allow her to come on holiday and perhaps your DH could nicely explain why (lie if you have to - not enough space in the villa or seats left on the flight) but going forward your DH really needs to step up and do more with her. Ignore her comments on parenting and do more to make her feel included, not just a holiday with her (which is lovely), but regular days out with DC or lunches/dinners. This may help her feel less excluded compared to your family.

Fair enough @CallMeOnMyCell

Disney, you all stay in one villa? I don't understand why your mother in law would want to go with you! Blimey, it sounds like a nightmare, all falling over each other. Even with family you need privacy.

I think she probably doesn't know all the details and imagines something quite different.

Anyway, don't think about it. It's not imminent.

Crikey, YANBU, OP.
A) It’s not the OP’s place to invite her
B) It would be weird for her to come as a strange extra tagged on.

My family do this, my mum, her sister, their adult children, the grandkids and me and my sibling if available. To add in my mil would be seriously weird. There are normally about 17 of us in a big house. It is a bit Borg, as a pp said. They also do a foreign trip all together annually. One of my cousins and his kids don’t go. There is epic moaning from my aunt. How very dare he want to go elsewhere with his (not unite good enough for him) wife?! I’ve withdrawn from the whole shebang, I just cannot be arsed.

You are being mean. No wonder she feels left out. Try being kind and welcoming to her. As she says she is a single mother without much family. You will have all your family on your holiday anyway.

If she really wants to to Florida, why can't you see that yet again, you are treating her unfairly compared to your parents? You go with them to a great holiday destination of their choice, with wonderful theme parks, NASA, the Everglades, nice beaches.....and offer her two far inferior holiday destinations, which aren't her choice, as they aren't in the same league in a million years?

There are two sides to every argument, and no doubt, all you have ever told your family, is your side of your arguments with your MIL.

Maybe your MIL doesn't wouldn't want to go on a holiday with her DS, OP and DGD, because once DGD was in bed at 8 pm, she'd feel like a gooseberry, whereas on a large group holiday, people don't get as couply and even if one couple goes off for time on their own, there are still plenty of other people to talk to!

@LoveLoveLove2020 have you read any of this thread?
She didn’t want to go away with OP, DH and GC where she would get lots of one on one time with them.
She would however like to go on someone else’s holiday (OPs parents holiday) and probably hardly see them, but y’know she gets a holiday to Florida...

*and offer her two far inferior holiday destinations, which aren't her choice, as they aren't in the same league in a million years?
*
blimey. Dubai/ Croatia

Maybe your MIL doesn't wouldn't want to go on a holiday with her DS, OP and DGD, because once DGD was in bed at 8 pm, she'd feel like a gooseberry, whereas on a large group holiday, people don't get as couply and even if one couple goes off for time on their own, there are still plenty of other people to talk to!

Well bugger off and go on holiday with someone else then!!! I thought the whole point was to spend the time with her son and dgc!

@DarkMintChocolate

OP isn't MiLs bloody travel agent.

@DarkMintChocolate
Dubai and Croatia are inferior - jeez I've heard it all now.. They are hardly a weekend away in a caravan park.

Only a few slots left for mothers of sons to project wildly and tell the OP she's BU for excluding her MIL from everything and stealing her only living relative.

This has probably been the most bonkers thread I've ever read on this site and it's a perfect example of bandwagon riding I've seen. The first few posts, however weird or illogical, clearly do determine how a large percentage of following posters will respond.

OP, you have reacted very well to the craziness and I feel confident you will continue to find a good balance between including your MIL in your lives, treating her with respect and fairness, whilst also not allowing her to muscle in on the time you are perfectly entitled to spend with your own family.

Enjoy your holidays with your own family and the other good times you have together. They will make some wonderful memories for your DC.

I think there are two issues here- one is the holiday and the second is the way you treat your MIL.

I think the wider issue is that you obviously dislike your MIL- your contempt practically drips off the page- and it’s very clear that whilst your family welcomed your DH into the family (which is lovely), you and DH have pretty much left her out in the cold. You and DH have a lovely, close relationship with your parents and lots of lovely, jolly times with them- great. But it sounds like you rarely see MIL and You certainly don’t view her as family in the way you’ve expected your DH to be included by your family. Seeing her son being welcomed into your family, becoming close to them, whilst she is treated very differently, must be really hurtful. I’m not surprised she’s envious. I suspect she’s not envious of the holiday as such, more of the relationship and time spent with them, a feeling of being part of a loving family.

For all I know, you have your reasons for disliking her. But I think there is a possibility that you were never prepared to welcome her- you already had “the family” and weren’t interested. You wouldn’t be the first I’ve come across.

I think if your family really don’t want her there, she can’t come. But please have a think about the way you treat her vs the way you (and DH) treat your family.