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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable about toddler eating crayon?

181 replies

Ellona · 11/06/2020 01:17

Hello lovely mumsnetters I'm in need of some perspective as I feel so guilty and crap I cant think straight.

So basically I have two DC 8 and 1.5years. I wont pussy foot around they were stressing me out so I decided to put 1.5year old in play pen and go out for a fag forgetting to check whether there was anything I the play pen as little one likes to throw things in there. So I've gone out the back and didn't realise there was a crayon In there. Partner comes in shouting get in here now as little one is eating a crayon and wtf was I thinking not checking before I went out. I immediately apologised and feel terrible at this point. He has basically said if anything happends to little one he will get my parents to come and get them beat me up and go to prison as I'm a terrible mother for not making sure he is safe and I shouldn't be trusted with the children alone. I know I was wrong and thank god the crayons are toddler friendly( non toxic). And I totally understand people lashing out when they are angry.

So my question is am I a terrible mother for allowing this to happen? I've always considered myself a good mother and nothing like this has happened before but I cant shake the feeling terrible and I'm starting to doubt myself.

Please be brutally honest I can take it.

OP posts:
PunishmentSnart · 11/06/2020 13:05

I agree, you are still being bullied.

You say he isn’t usually like this and hasn’t been like this in the past, but say you asked about relationship counselling, something must have happened for you to suggest this.

You were not in the wrong- he is a nasty bully. Go to your parents

Aweebawbee · 11/06/2020 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

backseatcookers · 11/06/2020 13:22

Overprotective, loving fathers do not emotionally abuse and bully the mother of their children or threaten to beat up the mother of their children.

Your expectations and boundaries are way off here, this is a very clearly abusive relationship and has escalated now to threats of violence.

Overprotective fathers want their children to live in a safe and secure environment. He's not overprotective, he's abusive.

midwestsummer · 11/06/2020 14:01

My DH is an over protective father ( and our dc's Ed psychologist suggested he most likely has ADHD recently)
The above mean that he hovers over dc a little too much and loses focus on tasks he thinks are dull.
Never once in 25 years has he threatened me physical harm.
Because he isn't an abusive bully.
Your DH is an abusing bully and you and your dc shouldn't stay and put up with it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/06/2020 14:45

This is none over protective this is about making you feel rubbish .

Children fall over all the time . Children all have accidents. . It doesn’t make you a bad Mum and a supportive partner would be be telling you that. It trying to make you feel bad

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 11/06/2020 15:16

Oh ffs. I doubt any one of us here can honestly say their kid has never shit a rainbow from eating crayons. You need to start planning how you are going to get out of this relationship, you aren't safe with him. Honestly OP you can do so much better.

TerrorWig · 11/06/2020 15:29

He sounds dangerous and you sound downtrodden and frightened, walking on eggshells all the time.

My husband has made me cry once. He gave me a really thoughtful gift. He’s never once made me cry because he’s been horrible, or threatened me with anything.

Please make plans to get out of this relationship. He is your jailer.

Vodkacranberryplease · 11/06/2020 19:30

Also he's undermining you in front of your children. That is 100% unacceptable, he's teaching them to disrespect you, and stopping them from believing in themselves or you. That's actually pretty dangerous parenting. For them to believe they aren't safe and their mother can't protect them. But then to not want to get off his computer to spend time with them either. Not good.

Frankly if your counsellor hasn't told you this you need a new one. There's a poster in a thread with a narcissist husband and she had one session with a counsellor who promptly told her (rightly) that her husband was being abusive. She's enormously relieved and building her strength every day. Because that counsellor is on her side. Yours isn't.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/06/2020 19:38

He is cold, calculating, foul and dangerous.
You need to make plans to leave him safely before he puts you in serious danger.

LannieDuck · 11/06/2020 20:08

I used to enjoy writing poems but since having my first born I haven't really had much time to do it between raising a family and working

...So instead of him having 100% of the hobby time, you split it equally. He does more childcare and you get some time to yourself.

How much solo childcare does he do, btw?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/06/2020 20:19

The damage done by eating a crayon is absolutely nothing compared to the damage done by seeing your dad abuse your mum, and not being able to do any normal childhood activities like balance on a wall, for fear of setting off a complete over reaction and violent meltdown. His behaviour is not normal. I suspect this is contributing to your depression and anxiety, as you know kids are going to get bumps and bruises and get into trouble and you know he is going to go mad at you for it.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/06/2020 20:33

Eating a crayon is a total non event. My dc both ate a variety of stuff including crayons. Normal kid exploration.

Your partner sounds abusive and frightening and I hope you find the strength to leave. You shouldn't have to live like this.

Chewy85 · 11/06/2020 20:38

Could you show your parents this thread and ask their advice if they’re supportive? Or a friend? I think you need real life support OP. How your partner treats you is appalling and not normal. Your children will suffer, I’m so sorry to say it but they will

ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 11/06/2020 20:53

My dd ate a whole lipstick age 2. Took the lid off put it to her lips then opened her mouth and ate the whole thing I was horrified. She was fine.
The issue here op is your other half being totally over the top and threatening. Unless there is a huge backstory to you being a totally unfit mother (I'm sure there isn't!) then I'd pack his bags for him.

user1473878824 · 11/06/2020 22:02

@Ellona, how are you? This thread has been weighing on my mind since last night. You sound like a lovely woman who knows this isn’t right but wants it to be okay. I really hope some of the responses have made you think about what you can do. Stay safe xx

user1471439310 · 11/06/2020 22:07

I was going to tell you that crayola crayons are safe including the glue but after reading your OP I would leave him and never return. Over the top, is he perfect?

rosiejaune · 11/06/2020 23:14

YABU for smoking (which is harmful to your children, even if you do it outside) and for staying with an abusive partner, but YANBU about the crayon; it's hardly a rusty razor blade.

user1473878824 · 11/06/2020 23:18

@rosiejaune really read the room here, hey?

NameChangeForThisOneToday · 11/06/2020 23:23

😱😱Shock

He's going to have you beaten up???? OMG

My husband of 10 years has never, ever said anything anywhere near as horrible, abusive and threatening.

Leave him. He sounds a nightmare.

And ... You did nothing wrong.

copperoliver · 12/06/2020 00:15

It's a massive over reaction on his part.
We all make mistakes, has he never made a mistake. Tell him it was a genuine mistake and to stop going on about it otherwise you will force feed him crayons and will make sure they're toxic, so he will then have something worth telling your parents.
Don't let him bully you. X

ZombieFan · 12/06/2020 00:27

WTF Toddlers/babies eat everything, as long as its not bleach then chill.

Your problem is obviously is your piece of shite partner. LTB

Original poster
Ellona · 12/06/2020 00:32

Thank you again for all of your responses. I'm sorry I haven't replied much today tbh the amount of you all agreeing he is abusive/bully is really overwhelming. I've NEVER thought he is and it's really having an affect on how I view our relationship and the thought of my children knowing this and affecting them is a very hard pill to swallow. I cant help racing through my thoughts from he is a great dad and loving partner when he wants to be to how the hell did I get myself into this situation with such a degrading man and not realising.

OP posts:
Teesstar · 12/06/2020 00:43

Ok so yeah he has been abusive, if you can hand on heart say this is the first time he has said or done anything like this, then first of communication is important. Tell him how that worried you what he said and it was not acceptable. Mistakes happen as parents and we have all done it! I Have made loads in the 22 years I have been a parent!

Talk to him, if he can not apologise and see that was an unacceptable statement then you need to start planning to leave because he won’t stop and it will get worse. Never let them cross the line they take it as a green light to treat you like shit!

Stompythedinosaur · 12/06/2020 00:45

Someone who is only a great dad and partner some of the time is not a great dad or partner. Both roles require consistency.

Abuse wears people down and makes them doubt themselves. It isn't your fault. But the situation you describe is shocking to most of us because it is so abusive.

hibeat · 12/06/2020 00:46

I remember eating crayons. Me and me brothers. It's wax. It's fine.
Your hubby on the other and is very poisonous and toxic...