Who is being unreasonable about toddler eating crayon?

[Ellona]

Hello lovely mumsnetters I'm in need of some perspective as I feel so guilty and crap I cant think straight.

So basically I have two DC 8 and 1.5years. I wont pussy foot around they were stressing me out so I decided to put 1.5year old in play pen and go out for a fag forgetting to check whether there was anything I the play pen as little one likes to throw things in there. So I've gone out the back and didn't realise there was a crayon In there. Partner comes in shouting get in here now as little one is eating a crayon and wtf was I thinking not checking before I went out. I immediately apologised and feel terrible at this point. He has basically said if anything happends to little one he will get my parents to come and get them beat me up and go to prison as I'm a terrible mother for not making sure he is safe and I shouldn't be trusted with the children alone. I know I was wrong and thank god the crayons are toddler friendly( non toxic). And I totally understand people lashing out when they are angry.

So my question is am I a terrible mother for allowing this to happen? I've always considered myself a good mother and nothing like this has happened before but I cant shake the feeling terrible and I'm starting to doubt myself.

Please be brutally honest I can take it.

If the worst thing you 1.5 years old has eaten is a crayon then you are doing well! Why wasn't he looking after them if he is that worried. And don't even get me started on the beating up. OP is he safe with the children? I would be more worried about you and the kids safety than a coloured poop from a crayon!

The issue here is your partner.
Your child will be absolutely fine, no harm done. These things happen and it was clearly mistake.

Look after yourself and children and get the hell away from you vile partner.

He is an abusive man!!! Wtf... This is not about a crayon. This is about what he said

Sorry about the late replies everyone, I've been waiting for him to go and do some hobbies so I can talk.
The response from everyone is quite overwhelming and tbh I really thought I would be flamed so thank you so much.
I'm sorry if I dont respond to everyone's questions.
One of the most important things to respond to is my parents being abusive which is completely not the case. They are very loving and supportive and funnily enough have been helping me look for somewhere else to live as the flat we are in is very small.
I have suffered depression and anxiety for a long time since I was badly bullied as a teenager but in the past couple of years I think it's got worse. I'm on anti depressants and before lockdown was going to regular counselling.

Since lockdown my 20 month old has eaten a crayon, a bonio dog biscuit and drank paddling pool water from a filthy plant pot...OH laughed or rolled his eyes at these non-events when i told him. Honestly I think you need to have a hard look at your relationship. Please make sure you are safe xxx

A few of you have asked how his over protectiveness shows, one example I can think of is on the way home from school one day my older child was balancing walking along a low wall whilst I was pushing the pram slipped and fell grazed knee and crying. He told me I'm a terrible mother and this would of never happened on his watch because he wouldn't let 8 year old do such stupid ness. He did actually apologise for speaking to me like this the next day but I still felt pretty shit.
To those of you asking about his hobby I'd rather not say as it could be outing but it has to do with using laptop/computer. I dont really have a hobby, I used to enjoy writing poems but since having my first born I haven't really had much time to do it between raising a family and working.

LTB

OP that over protectiveness is not a good thing for your children at all. Falling over is part and parcel of learning limits yourself

It is awful on two fronts:

1. that he calls you a terrible mother
2. that he wants to try and control what an 8 year old can do

I was badly bullied as a teenager

You are still being badly bullied.

Ok, for perspective on the reaction.

My toddler daughter fell from the top of stairs, right to the bottom. (Not seriously hurt, no bruises, just shocked and tearful)
After comforting her I asked DP how it happened.
He said he was about to bring her down, opened stair gate and realised he forgot something so dashed to get it, leaving gate open.

My face must have dropped because he said 'I know your pissed off at me, I am sorry'
My reply was 'lil bit pissed off yeah, but i bet ur more angry at yourself and you know you have to be more careful'
He said 'I know'
I replied 'look that could have been serious, luckily it wasn't. Don't do it again'
I then gave him a hug cos he was devastated. I was still slightly annoyed I knew it was a split second judgment error and it could have been me -but no threats and no shouting.

Op, you really need to question why he would ever talk to you like that. It is not Ok. Honestly, I am such a protective mother. I worry constantly but I try not to let it effect my DP or children.
Walking on a low wall for instance, i will let them do it while I am holding their hand. DP wouldn't necessarily hold their hand (height depending) I would ask 'are you really going to not hold on to them' He just says they may fall but a grazed knee is not going to kill them and they will learn to balance a little more.

Being overprotective of the children is not an excuse to threaten to beat your partner up.

Oh and if he really was that upset with you and thought you were a bad mum he wouldn't be leaving you with kids to do his hobbies today! He cannot pick and choose for his own gains when you are a good mum and a bad one.

Crayon won't harm your child...they may have a colourful poop though!

Your parents would not want you and your children to be living this miserable life with this dangerous and very unpleasant man. Please talk to them (and others). I am sorry that lockdown has made a difficult situation worse because you can't get to counselling, but getting away from him will surely help you.

Threatening to beat me up would be a deal breaker for me. In your position I would leave. With the children.

Well I'm glad your family is supportive. That's great. Your depression (PTSD?) is after a bully so if you talk to them and give them a flavour of what's happening they will rally round.

Your partner however. If not abusive is WAY out of line. I suspect he isn't a psycho but he IS bullying you and both his content and his delivery are completely out of order and some one needs to tell him that sharpish. Do you think showing him this would work? Or better yet printing it out, leaving it for him to find and going to your parents got a few days? Giving him time to reflect?

And his bullying you is causing your depression to worsen. I think also change counsellor. I've had depression and three counsellors who did nothing but make it worse because they just sat there. Talking about things I couldn't change from the past - when the problem was my present situation.

So the only thing that will help is whatever gives you the strength to stand up to him and get this situation in hand - or leave. He has no right to do this snd it's nasty, And hypocritical! People with adhd takes risks as children that are staggering. So his stance on this is just incredible.

Also adhd is genetic and starts around 2. If you have more than one child there's a high chance that one has it, Maybe this is more about his own self hatred and blame and you are just an easy target. Don't be,

Show him you are willing an able to leave and I think print this out and leave it. I know it's risky and bad advice for an abuser - only you know if he's controlling in other areas or just being nasty in this area and needs to control it and needs to hear from other people that he's being a prick.

If it's just adhd then he's aggressive and bullying but not necessarily cruel or calculated. If there's any element of control though plan your escape.

He needs to get his emotions under control and stop projecting his own feelings into you though. And he needs help to do that - and he needs to be better informed about what adhd is snd isn't and to be getting treatment. As do you.

But firstly he needs to know he's crossing a line and you will leave. That will help him no end.

Op I would suggest you still have depression and anxiety because you are still being bullied.
Let your dps find a bigger place for you and the dc. Leave that bastard behind.
Next time ring the police..

Actually having written all that I'm saying leave too. Why? Because he's not on your side. Parents make mistakes all the time and good ones do not make the other feel bad. He IS bullying you and he is NOT with you as a fellow parent - you are the minion doing the work. No one needs to live like this. You will always be depressed while he's around.

Well, letting an 8 year old walk along a wall sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to me. And in fact, its important - they learn balance, control, confidence etc from being allowed to do these things (obviously, where appropriate blah blah).

OP, you have to consider that this is going to get worse, not just for you, but for your DC too. your DC is in Year 3 or 4 I'm guessing? So what happens when she wants to start going to play dates without you - will he allow that? What about when she wants to start walking to school alone, or popping round the corner to visit a friend or walk down the road to a shop? These are all things that might start coming up as options in the next 1 - 2 years?

What about if she wants to take up a more "dangerous" sport? Martial arts, gymnastics etc? where injuries, while rare, do happen?

And meanwhile, he's threatening you with physical violence if you don't do what he wants so again, when do those threats start to happen to her too?

It may well be that he is just a very anxious person. But that doesn't mean that his behaviour or responses are okay. You need to really think carefully about this and consider what needs to change.

Personally I would tell your parents what he said. They need to know, and you need their support.

Your partner said he wanted to remove the children so that he could beat you up?! Oh my gosh, that's sick. My children have eaten the odd non toxic crayons when they were little, and they were fine. Your partner is threatening to be violent. You need to leave him.

Kids put stuff in their mouths. They eat crayons and have coloured poops. It's not unusual.

It's not like you fed him tide pods.

Someone genuinely over protective would be ringing out of hours, bugging poison centres to know if the crayon was genuinely non- toxic etc. not using it as a excuse for threatening you with violent.
Similarly with the low wall, overprotective would be embarrassing knee pads and fussing over dressings to the knee. not yelling at you.
Don't worry about the crayon. I ate one about ages 4 and immediately felt mortified with embarrassment because big girls don't eat the wrong things like that. I was fine.

Is his hobby wanking to porn?

It’s a crayon, non toxic. Yes it shouldn’t have been left there, but there’s on I’ll effect

However your partner is well out of order, and I would not be tolerating any form of treat. So I would be quietly pulling together documents etc and be leaving

It doesn't sound anything like being over protective of the kids. It's just a stick to beat you with.

Everything is always going to be your fault if he shirks responsibility and leaves you to do everything, isn't it?

If he pulled his weight, he'd make the odd mistake himself. He sounds a right misery with his threats and endless computer hobby. You're being ground down, bullied, blamed and threatened - no wonder you feel low!

Oh, he's so horrible. I really feel for you. Can you go to your parents when this is all over?