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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable about toddler eating crayon?

181 replies

Ellona · 11/06/2020 01:17

Hello lovely mumsnetters I'm in need of some perspective as I feel so guilty and crap I cant think straight.

So basically I have two DC 8 and 1.5years. I wont pussy foot around they were stressing me out so I decided to put 1.5year old in play pen and go out for a fag forgetting to check whether there was anything I the play pen as little one likes to throw things in there. So I've gone out the back and didn't realise there was a crayon In there. Partner comes in shouting get in here now as little one is eating a crayon and wtf was I thinking not checking before I went out. I immediately apologised and feel terrible at this point. He has basically said if anything happends to little one he will get my parents to come and get them beat me up and go to prison as I'm a terrible mother for not making sure he is safe and I shouldn't be trusted with the children alone. I know I was wrong and thank god the crayons are toddler friendly( non toxic). And I totally understand people lashing out when they are angry.

So my question is am I a terrible mother for allowing this to happen? I've always considered myself a good mother and nothing like this has happened before but I cant shake the feeling terrible and I'm starting to doubt myself.

Please be brutally honest I can take it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellona · 11/06/2020 02:09

@FromIbizaToTheNorfolkMaud I'm safe, the children and him are asleep and I know he would never hurt them. I dont think he would hurt me either but it did make me feel a little uneasy as he has never spoke to like this before( we have been together 9 years). I feel whatever I say wont make it better because I have apologised for being stupid for not checking the play pen was safe but he still wont talk to me and said to leave him alone until he has calmed down basically.

@steff13 I dont think I need to do that. I'd rather not get family involved as it could make things blow out of proportion.

@Tavannach I have suggested relationship counselling in the past but he refuses. I suffer from depression and anxiety so I think he believes that is the main reason I've been unhappy lately.

@user1473878824 I really dont want my children to grow up in this environment. We have been together 9 years and he has never spoke to me like this and can be a lovely father/ partner but he is overly protective of the children which sometimes causes issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellona · 11/06/2020 02:11

Sorry if I haven't replied to everyone. Really didn't expect to get so many replies this late but I felt it was worth a try as I'm feeling pretty low atm.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 11/06/2020 02:12

DS ate a crayon when he was 1ish, DH found it amusing.

Agree the crayon isn't the issue. If possible call your parents yourself and ask them to collect the children AND you asap.

Do you often feel frightened and are you concerned for your safety ever? Even if not the use of language and the impact on you and the domestic dynamic for the dc is frightful and potentially abusive.

FromIbizaToTheNorfolkMaud · 11/06/2020 02:16

Please don't worry about "blowing things out of proportion". This is a massive thing and you need to see it as such. Your partner came out with quite a detailed threat/plan for beating you up. It wasn't just a few angry words, he'd worked out how to get the children out of the way and what the penalty for him might be. You're saying that there are other "issues". Please speak to Women's Aid, a family member or a trusted friend.

Vodkacranberryplease · 11/06/2020 02:20

So a normal person would simply take the crayon off the toddler. They wouldn't assume that only one person was responsible for the safety of the toddler - he was there too and could have looked after it all.

This isn't going well. Stop apologising and start demanding he apologise for his hypocritical, abusivd behaviour and his own fucking lazy parenting.

Original poster
Ellona · 11/06/2020 02:26

I'm not sure what to say really, I've never considered his behaviour abusive just passionate and protective of his children. I've never felt scared of him although he can come across abit aggressive in arguments but he has ADHD so I've always tried to be sympathetic as we both have mental health issues.

To people that have said he could be parenting to, he was doing one of his hobbies in the bedroom and I didn't want to disturb him so thought I'd take a quick 5mins although I wish I didn't now.

OP posts:
occa · 11/06/2020 02:28

OP when you say you don't want to involve anyone else in case it gets blown out of proportion it sounds like you're under-reacting rather than over-reacting to the situation.

Don't let such horrible, aggressive and threatening behaviour become normalized to you. What your partner said was totally, totally unacceptable.

If you're concerned that your family or friends will get upset and react badly if you tell them what happened, think about what you would say to a friend or a sister who called you in tears and said their partner had treated them like yours has treated you.

It's not ok. They should be angry and so should you. Get away from this nasty man.

MaryTeenOfScots · 11/06/2020 02:29

I work in regulating things like crayons (not in the UK but I imagine it's similar). We regulate things like crayons and paints because we know they're likely to end up in children's mouths! If your child chewing on a crayon makes you a bad parent, I'm not sure how many good ones are out there.

It's really not okay for your partner to threaten to beat you up. Ever. And the fact he is still angry at you, and doesn't seem to be sorry for his own behaviour, is worrying.

I'm sorry you've been made to feel like this and I hope you've at least been reassured that you're not a terrible mum.

Zfactorstar · 11/06/2020 02:36

I'm American so I can't help, but does anyone have phone numbers that can help OP out? Get out ASAP. He's not passionate, he's abusive and you need help to get out.

Caterina99 · 11/06/2020 03:06

I can guarantee you that there’s barely a child in the country who hasn’t chewed on a crayon at some point. The crayon is not bad parenting

Even if you’d accidentally left something genuinely dangerous in your toddlers reach (we all make mistakes, still doesn’t make you a bad parent) his reaction is still completely unacceptable and abusive towards you

birthdaybelle · 11/06/2020 03:13

Sorry so he's threatened to beat you up? Get the fuck out, ASAP!

birthdaybelle · 11/06/2020 03:17

Also... he's worried about his child eating a crayon but his wife taking a beating is fine?

You must be on edge the whole time about getting something wrong. We've all had things like this happen whether it's crayons or grass or toilet water or whatever... they're anecdotes not causes for beatings

gumball37 · 11/06/2020 03:18

You made a mistake. Crayons are non toxic.... Cause they're made for fucking kids to use...

Leave that mother fucker.

gumball37 · 11/06/2020 03:19

@birthdaybelle

Also... he's worried about his child eating a crayon but his wife taking a beating is fine?

You must be on edge the whole time about getting something wrong. We've all had things like this happen whether it's crayons or grass or toilet water or whatever... they're anecdotes not causes for beatings

Fucking toilet water!! My third is 22 months old... He is the first of mine to play in the toilet.... It's maddening... And so nasty 😩🤣🤣
birthdaybelle · 11/06/2020 03:23

@gumball37 yup same here

Crystaltree · 11/06/2020 03:43

My friends kid found her razor in the bathroom and played 'shave my legs like mummy' and cut himself up and bled all over the bath. Her husband still did not react like yours did. Your husband sounds unstable and downright dangerous.

AllNaturalIngredients · 11/06/2020 03:53

OP you have done nothing wrong! These things happen. Although this not the main issue here, how do you know The older child didn’t throw the crayon in after you put your younger child down?

This might be the first time he has said anything like this before but it’s that extreme & sinister that you really need to think about this long term. I would leave him if he spoke to me like that.

I hope you are ok xx

mathanxiety · 11/06/2020 03:56

Your partner is an abuser.
Not passionate.
Not protective.
Not someone to be sorry for because of the ADHD.

Do you have a counselor or therapist to talk to about your depression and anxiety? If so, please tell them about your partner's threat. I agree he sounds unstable and dangerous.

If not, please reach out to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.
Leave a message telling when it will be safe for you to take a call back from them.

Call them anyway, regardless of whether you have a therapist.

He basically used a completely harmless incident as an excuse to throw his weight around, keep you on your toes, stop you from using a coping mechanism on a trying day. This is pure abuse. Nothing less.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2020 03:58

I know he would never hurt them. I dont think he would hurt me either

He told you he would hurt you. And that hurts the children. It's abusive saying it. And he's warned you now so he thinks he could do it.

ADHD family here and no none here physically threatens anyone.

birthdaybelle · 11/06/2020 04:00

I agree, he's told you he's going to hurt you and you've stayed. In his head you've given him permission and accepted your fate.

He's tried you out... and you've basically agreed it's okay

Laserbird16 · 11/06/2020 04:18

The crayon is far less toxic than your partner.

It isn't normal to threaten to beat up your children's mother. It is so harmful to them to hear that. I'm so sorry he treats you like this. For your children please contact Women's aid or similar.

On a lighter note, don't feel bad about the crayon. I don't think there would be any children left if they did any harm. My DD is teething and crayons seem to be just the thing for getting into those sore spots.

Thenextplateau · 11/06/2020 04:32

Please don't feel bad about the crayon, mine and all my friends kids have all attempted to eat them at some point. Occasionally you get wee colourful bits of poo!

Your partners overreaction is concerning though. Hopefully you can get some sleep and he is calmer in the morning. Maybe tell him you are going out for a walk tomorrow and give women's aid a wee call, that way you can properly chat to someone about bout it and maybe they will have some advice.

Onesailwait · 11/06/2020 04:36

Children eating crayons - very normal and when you are feeling overwhelmed its always a good idea to put them somewhere safe & take 5 mins time out.
Your husband threatening to beat you up definitely not ok. My husband is also very protective of our children and that includes loving and respecting their mum. Please do tell someone and seriously think about taking steps to leave him.

AmelieTaylor · 11/06/2020 05:04

The crayon is a non issue. Total non issue.

He threatened to beat you up that is an issue and what's worse is you're so conditioned to his behaviour you're not scared.

You need to get out of there, or get him out of there now, while you're still alive to do so & to protect your kids

You would NOT be 'blowing it out of proportion'. You really wouldn't!

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 11/06/2020 05:13

@gumball37 had 2 nephews play with toilet water. They are now adults.