Who is being unreasonable about toddler eating crayon?

[Ellona]

Hello lovely mumsnetters I'm in need of some perspective as I feel so guilty and crap I cant think straight.

So basically I have two DC 8 and 1.5years. I wont pussy foot around they were stressing me out so I decided to put 1.5year old in play pen and go out for a fag forgetting to check whether there was anything I the play pen as little one likes to throw things in there. So I've gone out the back and didn't realise there was a crayon In there. Partner comes in shouting get in here now as little one is eating a crayon and wtf was I thinking not checking before I went out. I immediately apologised and feel terrible at this point. He has basically said if anything happends to little one he will get my parents to come and get them beat me up and go to prison as I'm a terrible mother for not making sure he is safe and I shouldn't be trusted with the children alone. I know I was wrong and thank god the crayons are toddler friendly( non toxic). And I totally understand people lashing out when they are angry.

So my question is am I a terrible mother for allowing this to happen? I've always considered myself a good mother and nothing like this has happened before but I cant shake the feeling terrible and I'm starting to doubt myself.

Please be brutally honest I can take it.

The crayon sounds like an excuse to warn you that you've stepped out of line in his eyes and he's letting you know what the consequences are of that.
Forget the crayon, no big deal.

The person you live with has told you they would purposefully get other adults to take your children somewhere so that he could beat you up. Say those words aloud to yourself and imagine this was happening to a friend or family member or, one day, your own daughter.
What would you advise?

I'm safe, the children and him are asleep and I know he would never hurt them. I dont think he would hurt me either but it did make me feel a little uneasy as he has never spoke to like this before( we have been together 9 years)

The fact that you only feel “a little” uneasy at your partner threatening to have your parents collect your kids so he can beat you up in peace suggests that this must be only in the latest episode in a litany of batshittery. To the degree that it has completely eroded your sense of what is acceptable/forgiveable behaviour in a relationship.

Partner has threatened to beat you up. I’d believe him and take the necessary steps.

Get a divorce now.

Wow. Your partner is an utter twat. He has threatened you with physical violence over a total non-event. I’m sure most of us commenting on here have injested a crayon (or two) in our lives and are none the worse for wear. Mums make mistakes - come on, we’re tired as fuck! But for your partner to respond in this manner is very troubling and I’m worried for you and your children. I’m sure other posters on here have advised you to seek information and support from domestic violence support agencies. Do this - and do it now. Do this before your children are exposed to more of his disgusting behaviour. They are innocents in this and need your protection, and you need looking after too. Be safe x

He threatened to beat you up. He even told you his plan so that he could do it in peace.

Get out.

@Ellona

I'm not sure what to say really, I've never considered his behaviour abusive just passionate and protective of his children. I've never felt scared of him although he can come across abit aggressive in arguments but he has ADHD so I've always tried to be sympathetic as we both have mental health issues.

To people that have said he could be parenting to, he was doing one of his hobbies in the bedroom and I didn't want to disturb him so thought I'd take a quick 5mins although I wish I didn't now.

He was doing his hobby while you were looking after the children! Another person who thinks his reaction is really concerning.

The person in the wrong here is your partner. His reaction is way over the top and threatening to beat you up is against the law.

You don't have to creep around him apologising and placating - you've done nothing wrong. He is toxic, not the crayon!

The crayon is irrelevant tbh - it wasn’t toxic, and your baby is fine.

The issue is your husband threatening to beat you up. This would never be acceptable, regardless of anything you did. And this behaviour is only likely to escalate.

I think you need to speak to your parents and let them know that you don’t feel safe, and then you need to make a plan to get out of this relationship.

Also, start keeping a note on your phone of the dates that he threatens you or is abusive, in case you need it as evidence one day.

Most people are understanding of their partner having an accident with the dc because they know it could be them who forgot to check something or whatever. He is showing a complete lack of empathy towards you

A threat is a form of abuse in itself and I agree that his detailed plan makes it even more worrying, as he has clearly thought it over. Don't assume he didn't mean it, most people would not talk that way, so there is a reasonable chance he would do something if he got angry enough.

I really think that if your parents are understanding and could have you, you should go to them as soon as it is safe to do so. Don't wait until you make another mistake as you are bound to do, and see if he means it.

Ellona please think about his other behaviours to you. He must be controlling in other ways.
It is not acceptable what he said and nor is it an acceptable response to a minor incident. Now he’s threatened you, you need to think what will he do when the child’s in your care and he accidentally falls over?
Will that be your fault.
Children have accidents.
You appear to have an over developed sense of responsibility.
It wasn’t your fault.
Has he got a formal diagnosis of his condition?
What hobbies do you do?
It’s really no wonder you are depressed. Your life sounds difficult, your voice isn’t heard by him because he shuts you down.
Please start reading these message boards and posting safely. Delete them after. Lundy Bancroft book “Why does he do that” - it’s a free download and about abuse.
Contact women’s aid secretly.
If he threatens you - you can call the police.
Has he ever hurt you physically?
You can talk to your GP in confidence.
Please think about the impact he is having on your children.
It damages them.
🌺to you - I’ve been there and thank God I’m out of it.

Wow hope your ok OP, my husband would NEVER threaten to beat me up! That would seriously be a huge red flag for me, no one should ever threaten you! He sounds like a nasty nasty piece of work!

Jesus this is scary. OP the crayon is absolutely irrelevant and nothing to worry about. This sort of thing happens all the time, it’s part of normal parenting.

But your partner threatening to beat you up is just horrific. And the fact that he’d calmly plan it, removing your kids so they couldn’t witness this violent criminal act, makes my blood run cold.
You need to get out and fast in my opinion.

So he’s concerned about the affect of your 1 year old chomping on a crayon, but him screaming at you and threatening to get you beaten up is acceptable behaviour. Him shouting at you isn’t being protective of the kids, it’s teaching them to treat people in the same way.

Your child will get hold of unsuitable toys, he was in a play pen so safe from harm, your partner’s reaction was way over the top. Leave the bastard if that’s a typical response.

Like nearly every mother out there, you made a slight mistake by not checking the playpen. All was fine. You are not a bad mother, you are a normal mother.
You need to turn this back to him and stop apologising. Your children would be more harmed by their mother ending up in hospital and their father in jail. He’s using his ‘protectiveness’ of the children as a way of controlling and abusing you. He is not a good father or husband. Please tell your parents or someone close to you.

I'm sorry to say that your experience is mirroring mine. Together 10 years when he changed. He blamed my anxiety for problems that followed. Turns out he doesn't care a bit about me, only his own agenda.
You deserve to be happy. If you are suffering from anxiety and depression, it's no bloody wonder! What does he do to help you to overcome it? Sounds like he's compounding the problem. This is not a healthy environment. You need an exit strategy.
I've been on my knees struggling to deal with my partner who is ideal on paper! It's robbed me of 10 years of happiness, and reduces me to nothing many times.
Your DH is abusive and a bully. No one has to take that. His behaviour became illegal in 2015. He is breaking the law. It's not just your fellow Mumsnet who think it's wrong. Believe in yourself, you're worth more than that.

namechanging2020 fuck off.

When you’re overwhelmed; Leaving your child in a safe space and getting 2 minutes to yourself to regroup is actually the responsible thing to do.

OP I agree with others, it’s very concerning how much you’re underplaying this. Please call women’s aid when it’s safe to do so, it sounds like you’re in the depths of a very abusive relationship.

Plenty of children have nibbled a crayon. Plenty of parents have needed to leave the room and get two minutes head space (especially at the moment). The one in the wrong g here is definitely your partner. You should never be threatened be violence.

I agree with the others, the crayon is not a problem your husband is. He's threatening violence, you need to get away before the violence becomes real.

This is chilling!
It actually sent shivers down my spine when op clarified that the children were to be taken to grandparents so he could beat her so badly he would end up in prison.

OP, not only are you deep in the wood, in the dark, in the fog but you have your eyelids taped shut too. Please see.

For the sake of your DC if for no other reason.

LTB and your mental health with be so much better.

He is being ridiculously unreasonable. I'm sorry you don't see that what he said is massively disproportionate and unacceptable, and your child will be fine, don't they all eat crayons at some time or another?

Toddlers eat crayons they are non toxic he/she will be fine. Your partner on the other had get rid. A man threatened to beat me up wouldn’t be in my house anymore.

He's a scum bag, you need to take steps to leave this man before he hurts you.
I honestly think my husband would laugh if our ds has eaten a crayon at that age.

You had 5 minutes to yourself and forgot about a crayon. Luckily your toddler was fine, as i know there's a risk of choking on small pieces. But kids eat crayons all the time.
Your husbands reaction was insane and your post shows that he is abusive. He threatened to beat you up. I'm so sorry this has happened to you . Is there anywhere you can go? Check out Womens aid website.