Who is being unreasonable about toddler eating crayon?

[Ellona]

Hello lovely mumsnetters I'm in need of some perspective as I feel so guilty and crap I cant think straight.

So basically I have two DC 8 and 1.5years. I wont pussy foot around they were stressing me out so I decided to put 1.5year old in play pen and go out for a fag forgetting to check whether there was anything I the play pen as little one likes to throw things in there. So I've gone out the back and didn't realise there was a crayon In there. Partner comes in shouting get in here now as little one is eating a crayon and wtf was I thinking not checking before I went out. I immediately apologised and feel terrible at this point. He has basically said if anything happends to little one he will get my parents to come and get them beat me up and go to prison as I'm a terrible mother for not making sure he is safe and I shouldn't be trusted with the children alone. I know I was wrong and thank god the crayons are toddler friendly( non toxic). And I totally understand people lashing out when they are angry.

So my question is am I a terrible mother for allowing this to happen? I've always considered myself a good mother and nothing like this has happened before but I cant shake the feeling terrible and I'm starting to doubt myself.

Please be brutally honest I can take it.

It is time to leave him.

The problem is not the child eating a crayon it's your partner.

He sounds like a treasure I use to eat crayons as a child, nothing wrong with me might take it up again if they’re low calorie....

My toddler has eaten crayons, playdo, cat food, vanilla essence. It’s totally normal and leaving your child in a safe contained space for a 5 minute break is nothing to feel bad about.

Your husbands reaction is awful and abusive. There’s no excuse for it. Please consider making contact with women’s aid or talking to a family member so you can get help planning a way out.

Sorry, are you not going to address the threat of violence that your partner made towards you?

Sorry op, for some reason your other posts weren't highlighted and my comment was a bit harsh!

In what way does his "over protectiveness" of the children show itself?

What's equally worrying about his despicable threat is the fact that he didn't even feel any remorse for saying it. As others have said most kids have chewed crayons which is why they're made so safely that they CAN be chewed. Do contact a women's refuge. If my husband said that to me I'd be out of there.

All kids eat crayons at some point. It’s the only thing that makes changing nappies interesting.

I wonder if you’re mental health would improve if your partner wasn’t around threatening you & criticising your parenting.

When he said he'd get your parents to take the children so he could beat you up did he assume they would be OK with this? If that is true then you need to get away from him and your parents. You definitely need to get in touch with Women's Aid.

He was not completely in the right to threaten you with violence.

It was a crayon. Shit my toddler used to eat soap.

I'm sorry but he is not ok to be threatening you. At all. Ever.

Toddlers eat crap. Its life. He/she will hav interesting nappies that's it. Your partner sounds like he is an immature little ass. He cant make threats like that! Is he on medication for ADHD?

My OH overfed my 10mth old chicken causing him to choke, i at no point threatened to beat him up , i wasnt happy however and had to get the chicken out. My Oh and his mum had my 2yr old in a safari type park, I was behind them and they missed her picking up goats poo and eating it. I had to run and get it out of her mouth. So things can happen in plain sight too, again I didnt threaten violence. your DP is abusive - he sounds like a seagull who flies over drops some shit and flies off ensuring you know your crap.Then rushes back to his hobbies

It's a fucking crayon, it's hardly like you left DC in there with a knife block. Tell DH he's a bellend.

Has anyone's toddler NOT eaten a crayon?

The sheer forethought of someone who'd plan for the children to be taken out of the house so he could beat you up, is absolutely chilling. Obviously NO violence is excusable, but there's something about the cold thinking there that feels somehow worse than reacting in the moment without even thinking.
I'd be gone within hours if my partner ever said that. Your post made my blood run cold.

You & the children need to get out of this “relationship” ASAP.
You know this isn’t right. As if your mum & dad would take your kids and let you get battered! At least I hope they wouldn’t.

@Dyrne

namechanging2020 fuck off.

When you’re overwhelmed; Leaving your child in a safe space and getting 2 minutes to yourself to regroup is actually the responsible thing to do.

OP I agree with others, it’s very concerning how much you’re underplaying this. Please call women’s aid when it’s safe to do so, it sounds like you’re in the depths of a very abusive relationship.

Indeed. Ds is a big strapping bloke now but I remember my health visitor telling me to put him safely in his cot, go outside and have a coffee and a cigarette and calm for five minutes. Sage advice.

Kids eat crayons (I seem to recall Orange bring the best tasting). Time to sit and think about what you and your children are getting from this relationship.

Normally I'm the off one out on Mumsnet saying work through issues give it a good try don't leave at the first sign of trouble so this is very out of character for me to say.....
LTB!!!!!!!!
Make plans to get out, that is so so so not ok!!

Does his 'overprotectiveness' extend to actually parenting his children? On his own?

When do you get to do your hobbies?

Oh, love, what he said to you has chilled me to the bone.

And listen carefully to your own self: you wanted to go to relationship counselling before. Remind yourself as to why, and nite that he refused.

OK, so lots of us (including those who have had the experience... most of us!) react in an alarmed way to discover our child doing something they shouldn’t have access to.

In a healthy relationship he might have said ‘You need to check’. You might reply ‘I know, I feel awful’. Reply “no harm done... you should have called me to help!’.

Your DH has blamed you with aggression because blaming you helps him feel in control. He has taken control of the safety of his kid by controlling you.

This is toxic, and you can never be a team while he behaves like this.

OP, do look up the Freedom Programme online.

A bit of crayon won't hurt your toddler. They are not poisonous. I would guess that many toddlers have eaten a bit if wax crayon before now.
The bigger problem is do you have any support? Your husband sounds controlling and violent and if your parents would beat you up they also sound terrible. Don't let them treat you like a child. I hope you have someone in real life you can talk to. Failing that can you try one of the support lines?

The crayon will have done no harm - but that’s not the point.
Your husband could have taken a break from his important hobby to watch the kids and give you a break - but again that’s not the point.

The point is this.
Your husband (and you) think it’s ok to threaten you with a beating for making a very minor error. So what is acceptable if you do actually make a mistake and your child is harmed? If she falls and grazes a knee, a black eye for you? If you crash the car when she’s in it, will he come to A and E and strangle you? What if she really does eat something poisonous, is it ok for him to kill you?

I’m sorry OP but your husband has been abusive and now needs to prove to you he is not an abuser. Have this conversation - and know that all kids do stupid dangerous shit and you cannot be held to account for all of it.

I am worried that he is a dangerous man - please take care. If this is the first time he’s ever done this, make sure he knows it’s the last. Please tell someone in real life so you have support if you need it.

What struck me is that you wanted a quick 5 minutes but now regret it. You sound beaten down tbh. Defeated. You just can't deal with a big drama from family and it's easier to just give into him. You sound like someone who has just had years of being the whipping boy and has no fight left. I'm guessing your family are pretty bullying too,

He needs to get help for his temper and adhd and you need to learn to stand up for yourself and not put yourself last and doubt everything you do. He needs to know this is a line he can't cross and if he's not prepared to parent he gives up the right to criticise you,

He might be angry at himself. Leaving a crayon in a playpen is exactly the kind of mistake someone with adhd would make, I find it extraordinary that he's had to calm down from being so angry about this when a) it's no big deal and b) anyone especially him could have done it and c) he wasnt there.

When people wind themselves up into a frenzy like this they start to become physically abusive. It's how they justify it to themselves. They convince themselves the 'transgression' is so great what else could they do?

If you have any spare time or money I think you should look for help. I'm very wary of psychodynamic therapy because it's a big expensive time sucking trap, but a shorter cbt one might help you see more clearly. And give you a bit of confidence to stand up to him and your family,

One of the things that I find most troubling about this, is the fact that he imagines that your parents would be complicit in the punishment.

It was also a cold and deliberate threat, not an off-the-cuff outburst made in anger. I would be shocked and probably terrified if DH even had that thought, never mind said it.

You've clearly done nothing wrong, but are full of guilt and self-doubt. Please find some anger so that you can remove yourself and your DCs from this situation.

The problem isn't the crayon. The problem is your partner.

He's just shown you with his words that he is dangerous, and has the potential to do you serious harm.

Please learn the lesson he's taught you here, and make sure you and your children are safe.

Forget lockdown, take the children and go to your parents as soon as you can.