I've been accused of being a racist

[Excitedannie]

So it happened in a big supermarket earlier. 2 women walked past me with about 6 children - I tutted as none of them moved to the side and were so very close to me - well under one metre. One of the women turned around and said "what's youre problem"? And I explained the social distancing etc and that they should have moved to the side. They started literally screaming at me that I was a racist cow, and their small children joined in and also called me a horrible old cow with grey hair! (I'm not by the way...). Everyone was looking and the children were just shouting"racist" and laughing at me - it was bloody awful to be honest and I felt so scared that I was too worried to leave the shop and wandered around until I knew they'd gone.

I felt so ashamed - and scared. I came home and burst out crying, but now I feel furious. Not sure why I'm posting this but I wanted to tell someone but I'm too ashamed to IRL

@Sweetlikecoca you just can’t bring yourself to acknowledge that they were in the wrong can you? Just excuses or denying it happened.

I wish I had the confidence to tut at 8 people
When I tut, it's not aimed at anyone in particular. It's my equivalent of talking to myself and saying 'idiots', but in case I inadvertently say it rather than just think it, it's better to quietly tut. Most of the time, the people involved are not even in sight any longer!

"maybe go to a more expensive, larger supermarket"
Yes, coz this would never happen in like, Waitrose.

It's not racism to tut.
They obviously feel tutting is awful but screaming and making false allegations in a group is ok to them.
Says more about them than you.

Put this experience behind you.

No, you did nothing wrong, OP. However in the emotionally charged climate that we’re living in right now when the entire western world is rightly being urged to reflect on their attitude towards race, there is an unfortunate danger in people who have been victims of racism perceiving experiences purely through the lens of race ie, through confirmation bias. This is part of the legacy of enduring a life time of racism.

Nobody thinks she deserved it but...
Nobody thinks it's OK but...
It wasn't nice but..
Clearly it's wrong but...

Just try it all again, peeps, without the but.

Ignorance is bliss. OP is out of order she escalated a situation she inflicted on herself. In most cases there is no smoke without fire. If something seems too good to be true it is a lot of the time. Your clearly in denial supermarkets are for everybody and being courteous is a two way thing.

OP is not blameless in this.

I don’t recall ever seeing SCREAMING go on in any supermarket in groups going on weather it be Lidl or M&S.... it’s nothing to do with that more like OP exaggerating a bit.

You’re obviously not racist and their behaviour was over the top and uncalled for, however, maybe you will think twice at fitting people in future? It’s passive aggressive and rude and gets people’s backs up, if you have an issue with the way someone is behaving it’s better to be mature ask them to stop rather than go around loudly tutting and sighing.

*tutting

@Lynda07

Nobody thinks the retaliation towards the op, if indeed it was as she said, was right. I can't even begin to imagine people shouting at me in a shop, I might even faint if it happened (and I've never fainted in my life). They were bottom feeders - if indeed her report of the incident was accurate. It was a totally out of proportion reaction.

However, the fact is tutting is quite horrible, small minded, conveying disapproval without being straightforward.

If someone tutted at me I wouldn't shout but respond (if I could be bothered), "Is there a problem?". People need to know that tutting is just not acceptable and really gets people's backs up. If they have something to say, say it or else keep quiet and move on.

This

It’s not particularly streetwise to go around tutting are strangers. You might get away with it or you may trigger an unpleasant incident - see above. Your choice really.

@MsTSwift

It’s not particularly streetwise to go around tutting are strangers. You might get away with it or you may trigger an unpleasant incident - see above. Your choice really.

quite right.

Because you’re incapable of acknowledging that, taking the facts as presented by OP, these people would be in the wrong. All you can do is query whether it happened or criticise the OP. For some reason in your eyes the family can do no wrong.

OP is out of order she escalated a situation she inflicted on herself. In most cases there is no smoke without fire. If something seems too good to be true it is a lot of the time
That's the post of the day! I think I shall paste it and copy every time someone posts about being badly treated.

Next time a mn posts that her OH called her fat cow or a lazy bitch, I'll try the above words. Let's see how long it takes before I'm told I'm a complete !

I saw a man screaming/shouting at workers in M&S the other day, I really was shocked. Especially since he had a wee toddler in a stroller by his side.

It really does feel like you're sitting on a pile of paper soaked in petrol, and anybody could light a match at any minute, when you're out and about at the moment.

@Rowantree2020

Because you’re incapable of acknowledging that, taking the facts as presented by OP, these people would be in the wrong. All you can do is query whether it happened or criticise the OP. For some reason in your eyes the family can do no wrong.

Don’t fall off your high horse.

Your condoning tutting it’s very bad manners. Do it to your manager or work colleagues and let me know how you get on after I’ll be interested to hear their response.

I would not shout at anyone, and I am not defending doing so. I understand it would have been very upsetting for the OP. However, as I tried to explain in my post, it may be that this family have been subject to many racist aggressions, both overt and subtle, over the course of their lives. It may also be the case that the OP unconsciously tutted at this family where she may not have done the same to a white family. I can't make that determination - only the OP can examine her own motives. I would hope that anyone who is accused of being a racist, rather than becoming defensive, would take the opportunity to examine and check themselves. If a non-white person is telling you something you've said or done is racist, it is a good opportunity to reflect on your unconscious biases which may be manifesting.

Racism is a continuum ranging from overt to almost imperceptible and just because you are not using overt racial slurs does not mean your behaviour is not somewhere on the continuum - you may just not have realised it yet and how your behaviour is affecting others. I believe that the best determinants of what constitutes discrimination are the people who form part of that community. For example, if someone who identified as having a disability told me something I said was offensive towards people with disabilities, rather than me dismissing them I would hope I could reflect and learn from their lived experience. Similarly, if a non-white person is telling you that you are being racist, instead of automatically telling them they are mistaken, listen, learn and reflect. This is how we grow and weed out prejudices that we may not know we hold.

@sweetlikecoca but earlier didn’t you say you wished you had the confidence to tut 🤷‍♀️

The tutting was impolite but really not in a scale comparable to the behaviour of the other party. Stop victim blaming.

@MittensTheSerpent

I doubt this actually happened.

Yep agreed.

Sweet I'd like to think what you've said is right and if I was a bystander and it felt safe for personally to do so I would have intervened or said something. We weren't there so don't know if this is the case but I disagree that in a situation like this someone would always take action.

@sweetlikecoca “ignorance is bliss”
..
Innocence maybe, not ignorance unless you are a small child - we were all ignorant once.

The op will hopefully be less 'ignorant' in future and not tut if a child gets in her way. I doubt she caught the virus from the child, perhaps she'll come back and tell us if she tests positive.

I'm not excusing the over the top retort from other parties.

In that scenario it would have been better had everyone just moved on. However something good is coming out of it, the op now knows it is rude to 'tut'. I imagine she is a mature person and am surprised she didn't already know that.

(For all we know the children involved may have been soundly told off when they got home. They were just kids and kids jump on bandwagons all too easily, it's up to parents to put them straight.)

I think if someone shouted and screamed that you are a racist based on the fact that you tutted/sighed shows that they have jumped to their own prejudicial conclusions about your character. If they had genuine objections about your SD concerns that could have addressed that in a way that didn't involve verbal abuse.

@Lynda07 so on the one hand we have six children bundling around a supermarket in the middle of a pandemic followed by very public accusations of racism and on the other hand we have someone tutting. But you keep focussing on the latter by all means.