I've been accused of being a racist

[Excitedannie]

So it happened in a big supermarket earlier. 2 women walked past me with about 6 children - I tutted as none of them moved to the side and were so very close to me - well under one metre. One of the women turned around and said "what's youre problem"? And I explained the social distancing etc and that they should have moved to the side. They started literally screaming at me that I was a racist cow, and their small children joined in and also called me a horrible old cow with grey hair! (I'm not by the way...). Everyone was looking and the children were just shouting"racist" and laughing at me - it was bloody awful to be honest and I felt so scared that I was too worried to leave the shop and wandered around until I knew they'd gone.

I felt so ashamed - and scared. I came home and burst out crying, but now I feel furious. Not sure why I'm posting this but I wanted to tell someone but I'm too ashamed to IRL

[Terralee]

@Disregard I find your posts very interesting about racism and white privilege.

Personally I've been told that you shouldn't confront a stranger as "you don't know their story".
That means you don't know anything about them & how they will react.
Tutting & sighing (loudly enough for 2 women with 6 kids in a noisy supermarket to hear hmm) count as confrontational behaviour.
I'm as guilty of being confrontational as anyone because I have a short temper & say what I think at times - but I'm trying to be careful as I do not want to get in any trouble.

The biggest danger these days is NOT that someone may insult you back but that they may be carrying a knife.

Actually OP, if those 2 women with 6 kids had been a tall young man would you have tutted then?? Hmm I doubt it.

[dontdisturbmenow]

The other women were asshats too, but you started it
OP didn't start it. That woman did by not ensuring her kids followed the shop rules. If they hadn't all been there or they'd followed the rules, there would have been no tutting.

It's the other woman who started it.

[P999]

Oh for fucks sakes. OP. I hope you're ignoring all this anti-tutting rants. You did nothing wrong and they were aggressive arsehole. Teaching their kids the same. They were awful. It was a horrible experience and hope you're ok now

[Thesamethingkeepshappening]

The BLM movement wants change it will have to drive the education - simply telling people it’s not our job to educate you won’t result in the change we want to see.

So how do we educate ignorance? Lawdy, we've tried every trick in the book! Some people do not want to be educated!

It's like a man asking a woman to tell him what constitutes sexual harassment. Most men know what constitutes it without having to be told, surely?

And still the focus is on the tutting and not on the six kids bundling around a supermarket during a pandemic followed by people shouting accusations of racism

Yeah, just like the focus wasn't on the peaceful protests but on the small minority kicking off.

OP, tutting/sighing is never going to be met with positivity. Yes, the response you got was (if it even happened) OTT, and the kids were rude little sh_ts, but what did you expect to happen after you acted passive-aggressively? Or are you now trying to make out that only people....ah, forget it.

You tutted at the wrong family!

[Quackersandcheese3]

I cannot stand folk that tut, so passive aggressive. They Probably shouldn’t have been taking up so much room etc but you could have just turned away and kept your displeasure to yourself .

[woodhill]

Why did so many kids need to be there with them in the first place.

[Ablackrussian]

[saraclara]

Fucking hilarious that tutting is worse than accusing someone of being racist. How ridiculous

Literally no-one has said that.

There are two separate subjects in this thread.

1. Regarding the women and kids - yes, they were absolutely wrong to abuse the OP and accuse her of racism. No excuse for ranting at a stranger. Their language and their attitude was shocking.

1. Tutting at people is passive aggressive, and in most cases, people are going to respond negatively to you if you do it. So don't. Use your words instead, and working on the assumption that most people in a supermarket aren't setting out to make your life difficult, simply say 'excuse me' with a smile, and you'll avoid more negativity in your life.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

No one is saying tutting is as bad as ranting and making wild accusations 🙄 But if you tut at strangers you run the risk of tutting at the wrong family and getting a mouthful of abuse

THIS. Tutting and showing passive aggressive disapproval of others will elicit a reaction, whether you acknowledge this or not. If you start a negative interaction with someone, dont be all faux shocked when they respond back with negativity of their own. This whole scenario could have been completely avoided if instead of the tut she had said "excuse me, I'm trying to get past and I'm worried about my health/social distancing- thanks so much!"- with an accompanying smile. Its polite, and above all- honest.

If that family have had weeks of aggressive looks, racist comments and mutterings under other people's breath you can understand why they might overreact to the OP's tutting. My friend has an autistic son and she admits herself she is hyper sensitive to other people's reactions to him because she's had SO many shitty comments and nastiness about him. After a while it becomes so raw and painful that you almost start to expect meanness.

I also agree with PPs that the family probably didnt "scream"- I highly doubt that any shop would completely ignore someone literally screaming at another shopper and do absolutely nothing. I think thats hyperbole to make the OP feel more justified.

[Bonzabaybee]

@MsTSwift

A LOT of the posts have said that because the OP tutted she asked for the abuse she got, which included being unfairly accused of being a racist in the middle of the supermarket. I think that’s fucking mental.

[MsTSwift]

No one is saying tutting is as bad as ranting and making wild accusations 🙄 But if you tut at strangers you run the risk of tutting at the wrong family and getting a mouthful of abuse.

[mencken]

if they kicked off at one little tut, which was caused by them being inconsiderate, then they are seriously oversensitive little flowers regardless of their skin colour.

arseholes come in all shades. Don't worry about it, OP.

[Monkeynuts18]

Round here the supermarkets aren’t letting groups of 8 people in. Or even two adults.

[Bewareoftheblob]

Fucking hilarious that tutting is worse than accusing someone of being racist. How ridiculous.

[thisenglishlife]

Sorry that you were shouted at OP.

[thisenglishlife]

it's always the white person being racist when in fact it's NOT.
OK.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

People who tut openly at others are invariably asshats. The other women were asshats too, but you started it. Why not have some patience and stand back til they'd moved past? Why openly tut at another human being for doing something you wouldn't? You were rude and then felt attacked when they took the rudeness up several notches.

[Cam2020]

Racism is not a 'card' people play - it hurts people and just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there, whether it is through wilful blindness or maybe because you just haven't been a victim of it. Please listen to those who have been victims of racism with an open mind rather than automatically dismiss their experiences because it doesn't align with your perceptions of the world.

Did you even read the original post? The people in question certainly played the race card because they were in the wrong and probably just horrible individuals. Yes, there are horrible individuals of all colours.

[GabsAlot]

my message has been deleted for saying you shouldnt be called racist for tutting

ok then

[CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate]

Thanks @Rowantree2020 yes that's how it felt at the time. Perhaps age and maturity has toughened me up a bit since, but is nasty to be accused of anything you are not guilty of, agree.

[Rowantree2020]

@catherineofaregonspomegranate It is a very powerful weapon to accuse someone in public of something that is shameful, be it racism, child abuse or anything else. The effect on the recipient can be devastating, even if other people around don’t believe the accusations. I’m sorry you had that experience

[CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate]

I was accused of being a crack whore and forcing my boyfriend to sell drugs so he would buy me stuff - I was single at the time and a solicitor

Ha ha maybe it was the same bloke @MsTSwift

It seems ridiculous looking back that I took it seriously and that the couple did. But It was the way he spoke. He'd obviously seen me around and kept dropping facts in, like I walk around with my 2 boys (which I did have at the time) and drop them off at 'church' (which there was a church hall close by, that did evening activities for kids which I sometimes went to and my youngest had done creche there) then drop in lies like afterwards I go soliciting for sex from random strangers and offered him blowjobs for drugs but he wouldn't touch me with a bargepole because I gave him a sexual disease and he knows I have Aids.

Now it seems funny and completely ridiculous but I was totally mortified at the time at the thought of what people would think! But as pointed out, only the stupid couple took it seriously. I doubt anyone else cared and he disappeared from the area soon after. Thank god!

[EatsShootsAndRuns]

TTDH 🙄

[Gwenhwyfar]

Catherine, I have to say I'm surprised you thought people would take that seriously. Some people who are off their heads on drugs, or drink shout abuse at people in the street. I would never think that was personal and I'm really shocked the school parents thought it was serious. There are people like that around where I live and there's not much you can do but call the police and I suppose they might get sectioned then.

[MsTSwift]

Catherine I really wouldn’t worry I am sure it was obvious to all he was a nutter! Happened to me once at a railway station didn’t occur to me to be embarrassed though I was accused of being a crack whore and forcing my boyfriend to sell drugs so he would buy me stuff - I was single at the time and a solicitor 😁