DD Shaved Her Head

[CrazyLady82]

More of a wwyd.

My DD18 has just called me and told me she has shaved her head. DD already had short hair.

DD reasons were that her hair was damaged from all the coloring and she didn't like the color it was.

I am sitting here trying not to loose my mind. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with DD2 and am thinking part of my reaction is pregnancy hormones. After telling DD I wasn't happy with the choice, but it was her choice I hung up the phone. I have been crying and silent screaming for 10 minutes.

I don't want to say anything to bad to her. I know that it is her choice.

Could someone help give me a reality check that shaving her head isn't that bad? I need to get a grip as it is her life.

"Don't be like my mum. Hair grows back but your reaction to her choice will last in her memory forever."

@user1471590586 has summed this up perfectly, @CrazyLady82. You need to accept that your response to your dd, both on the phone and when she got home, was hurtful and unkind, and apologise for it.

Do you want her to remember this as an entirely negative experience with you, or do you want her to remember that you overreacted but were mature enough to understand that and to apologise to her?

Oh - and when I say apologise, I do not mean an 'I'm sorry you were upset with my reaction' non-apology - I mean a proper one - "Dd I overreacted and was unkind about your new hairdo, and I am sorry I upset you".

I'm in my 30s, I have shortish hair - sometimes I get an undercut for a bit & my mum always reacts completely OTT as it's "masculine" and "not pretty" It does nothing for our relationship, in fact, I really resent her for it. It's pathetic - I'm a happy, professional adult, and can do as I please! I got a tattoo in my 20s although I knew it would upset her - it's a nice, inoffensive tattoo in a lesser seen place, but it was a way for me to express that my body is mine and not hers. Her acting like my appearance (hair, clothes, weight and all) reflect on her more than on me has been a problem since my childhood, and stops us being as close as we could be. I'm not an extension of her or her accessory. I don't care what her friends think of my choices. Please, OP, reflect on why this upsets you, and find ways you can cope and let your daughter be her own person. I'd hate to see you make this same mistake!

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

What was unkind about her response? She didn’t even say she didn’t like it she said it was ‘different’ which as I said earlier, might be a veiled way of saying ‘I don’t like it’ but the other alternative is to lie? If she’d dyed it blue or something and OP didn’t like it, and said so, would the reactions be the same? Because I don’t think so.

I stand by my earlier comments that it’s not up to everyone else to validate your style choices by being ‘nice’ all the time. If you need everyone to say they love it, then maybe you’re not so in love with your own choice as you think you are.

She told her dd she 'wasn't happy' about her new haircut on the phone, and then said it was 'different' and turned away and left the room - and clearly her dd was upset by this - so she should apologise for upsetting her.

I voted YABU but at the same time I can completely understand you having an emotional reaction to it, and not just because of the hormones, although yes of course it would heighten any emotion. How she looked was her identity to you, and changing that in a drastic way, even though you said her hair was already short, would come as a shock, which is an emotional reaction.

I think the thing to concentrate on here, is the reason why she did it.

That reason is extremely logical, and completely reasonable, being that her hair was so damaged, and she really wasn't happy trying to 'get back' to where she could be happy.

It's wiping the slate clean so to speak, the only thing I would advise her of, is that although the chemicals used are often better than previous ones, there is still a high risk of her damaging her hair through repeated bleaching, etc. to the point, where it 'may' end up sparse in later years.

What, she's had a massive swastika tattooed on her forehead, yes I'd be crying and screaming inside too.

Oh, sorry I just re-read your thread, she's cut her hair, umm not as bad as I first thought

I couldn't give a crap what my kids do with their hair to be honest

@TerrorWig I don’t expect any of your suggested options. I don’t have my hair shaved so that people will compliment or validate my decision. I have it shaved cause it’s comfy and low effort. But what I do expect from every other human is that they remember the lesson we are taught young; “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” when it comes to people’s appearance.

I feel for her knowing she’s going to have a screaming child around, sorry but I do feel for her, it’s her head she’s 18.

Ok that’s fair for you.

But in response to her daughter telling her she’s shaved her head, OP can’t really stay silent can she? So the choices are lie, be 100% truthful, or temper the truth so as not to upset.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I’ve re-read all of OP’s posts and really don’t see where she was ‘clearly’ upset? And her being upset doesn’t necessarily mean OP was unkind anyway?

Do people see a 15 page thread, get the general gist that the OP is getting a bit of a hard time and deliberately keep the angst going for shits and giggles? I don't get it.

In the nicest way possible , chill. It’s just hair. And it’s HER hair. She can do whatever she wants to HER hair. I’m 47 female and I often buzz cut my hair off ! It’s makes life easier to get ready in the morning. It’s grows back ! Don’t stress the small stuff 🥰

I shaved my head too. Few weeks ago. It's the best feeling and so liberating. It's only hair, it'll grow back. I'm in my 30s.

Is a woman having a shaved head more of a big deal in the US? I know quite a few women with shaved heads - my own mum has had one for pretty much 35 years now, with occasional years of hair.

I used to regularly come home with new piercings, dodgy hair cuts and odd hair dye from about 14 onwards. My body, my hair, so I did whatever I wanted to it; just as I do now.

I think you overreacted, but genuinely, I can't work out why. How on earth can a change of hair make you cry? Do you only judge a woman's worth by how they look? And if you don't like how they look, then you judge them in some way for it?

She'll be fine, if her hair was damaged it will do it the world of good, it's also quite the lockdown trend so she won't look odd
It's pregnancy hormones!

Yabvvvvu but pregnancy hormones are a bastard. I won't recant the things 'they made me do' here because it would out me in a second. Suffice to say much worse than telling an 18 year old off. Call her later and tell her you're sorry, once you've both calmed down. She is technically an adult but that wouldn't stop me from intervening if she was doing something dangerous (their brains aren't fully mature til 25ish), but as you know, head shaving doesn't fall into that category.
I actually think she's being quite sensible as now her natural colour can come through without iffy roots.

My sister did this for the exact reasons your dd gave and it’s the best thing she did. Her hair used to look awful frankly, now it’s in great condition and she’s much happier. It will grow back :)

I have teenage daughters and to be completely honest it would upset me too. I know its unreasonable but it would.
However it will grow back and your DD is 18 so an adult so paint on a brave smile and try not to over react, you will get used to it and she'll probably get bored and go onto the next trend soon.

I shaved mine a few weeks ago because it was getting too thick and messy, a lovely number 8 all over.
it's all ready back to pixie cut length and needs a tidy up round my neck again.
It will grow back in no time and shaved/short hair is cool especially in the summer.
Just remind her to wear a hat or sunscreen to protect her scalp and stop stressing about it.

It will grow back and if it was in poor condition then maybe it's a good idea and now is as good a time as any.

It will grow. You still love her. Your hormones are doing this to you. Chill. It will all be OK.

It’s hair- it will grow back! Don’t stress about it- at least it’s not a tattoo!

WOW, 18 year old, now a big sis!

Stop blaming everything on being up the duff.

It's your prejudices, and possibly snobbery too.

I have a collapsing spine, several damaged nerves, and a complex mental health, but I don't go round blaming that for being unreasonable!

1, it's her hair, and it is only hair ... IT'LL GROW BACK.
2, Why you.so.worried? Whats the fake.image you trying to maintain?

She's got the right.idea.

Come on OP, you know you’re overreacting. It’s hair. It’ll grow back.