AIBU? to be argry at MIL

[JazecK]

So background first.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant with daughter number 4! DH works in anNHS hospital (about an hours drive away) in the theatre department, so can be difficult to reach at times.
MIL has been present at all of the births so far! my children are the only biological grandchildren she has (she had 6 other step grandchilden) she has expressed the want to be at this birth, but due to COVID I'm only allowed one, so DH is going to be there. MIL agreed to watch DD's when the time came. MIL lives a stones throw from our house (it's a 10 minute walk)

Now yesterday my waters broke just after 8pm! The girls are in bed! I couldn't get hold of DH (who wasn't due to finish until 10pm and is an hours drive away), so, I rang MIL to say I need you!!

I told her how my waters had broken and I was struggling to get hold of DH, could she come and watch the girls ASAP, as I needed to go to the hospital to get help as it's far too early for the baby to come!
The response I got was "can it not wait until DH can get home, I've just got out the bath"
I told her "no it can't wait, the longer I wait the less chance I've got of them stopping it and baby will be born far to early"
She huffed and puffed and said ill be there when I can! And hung up, I waited 25 minutes and tried to ring her again but got no answer! I was now having contractions! So I had to ring my BIL and ask him to help me please! He jumped straight in the car with his GF and drove to my house, he was here in 10 minutes (it usually take 25-30 minutes to get to his house) where his GF stayed with my DD's and BIL drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until DH got there just after half 10. BIL then rang DH later to say that MIL was really angry that I didn't just wait till she got there! BIL's GF said she arrived at my house at 10pm!
Ive now had a massive amount of texts from MIL saying how she can't believe I didn't wait! I'm out of order! How dare I let that child look after her grandchilden! I'm a disgrace it's not that bad if baby was to be born! I'm over reacting! Etc etc etc.

Now that child I let watch my DD's is a 25 year old nursing student! So they were perfectly safe!

When I got to the hospital I was 4cm dilated, they managed to stop the contractions eventually but I'm still 5cm dilated and I've got to stay in until its safe to deliver the baby. They hope to get me to 34 weeks, but there is only so much they can do!

Am I being unreasonable to be mad at MIL!

[naomi81]

Wow mother in laws!!! Everything on their terms, it's infuriates me so much. I would however try and stay as calm as possible till
baby is here as you don't want to burn any bridges just yet and stress isn't good for you or baby, good luck 🤞 Xx

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

I agree with Swiftseason, her response to your emergency was beyond odd. You normally get along, she's never let you down like this before in 17 years, coupled with her only being widowed 8 months ago, working lots of hours. I'm not condoning her actions, she was reckless as hell, but I think there's definitely more to this. She's clearly not thinking straight. But that's not for you to figure out OP you've got enough to stress about, your DH and his brothers are going to have to step up and find out what's going on.

[SunshineCake]

Why doesn't she, the OP, want to burn any bridges just yet ?. I think it is the MiL with the matches.

[Barmychick]

I'm so glad you're ok. Stay calm & let your dh take care of his mum. I had the monster in law from hell when one of my triplets was stillborn. Her response was I'll sell one of the cots! She was a pain in my arse until i divorced her abusive namby pamby son . Take care of you x

[Lou12124]

Christ! If her grandchildren were that important to her you MIL would have been over like a shot no question...my MIL would have been over in her towel if she just got out the bath. Cant it wait?! Babies dont wait for anyone not even the queen! Cant believe the cheek of the woman. I'd be having serious words with her once you're all settled down with baby 4. And tell your husband to have words with her too!

[Middersweekly]

Your MIL clearly didn’t grasp it was an urgent situation/ possible medical emergency. Obviously a 4th baby isn’t going to hang around once contractions get going and a 31 week gestation baby would require support and intervention. She should have got her shit together ASAP and got to your house! She’s clearly now projecting because she knows she’s fucked up. Calling BIL’s 25 yr old GF a child is insulting! She’s a student nurse and a capable adult FFS! Your children were perfectly safe! I would be furious so YANBU in the slightest! Thank goodness for your BIL who acted more mature in this situation than his own mother!

[Thewordgame]

She sounds like my mil

[BengalGal]

Block her at least until you are home with your baby. She was vile and horrible on every count. I would not forgive until she begged me to. I hope you husband gave her or will give her a ton of grief.

[Dogsaresomucheasier]

Completely reasonable to prioritise yourself and baby just now, but something is up with her; being widowed/work stress...something, if this is new.
Talk to bil’s girlfriend. What is her experience of mil?

I think, if she’s normally supportive something is very up and her sons may need to intervene/contact her GP, but you need a bit of shielding from all of that just now. Look after you and baby and good luck.

[espressoontap]

I'd be furious and upset too. Thank god for your BiL.

On a side note, how amazing are you BF whilst pregnant. Your daughter sounds like she's taken it in her stride with the cup, bless her heart.

I hope you and baby are well 💓

[GinWithASplashOfTonic]

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I wish you all the very best for you and your baby

I'm afraid I don't know what to suggest with regards to your mil going forwards. It sounds like you are very close and have such a special relationship before all of this.

[JeanSlatersSausageSurprise]

Love your BIL, what a lovely human.

I'd be (mumsnet bingo, anyone) fuming in your position, scared, upset, frustrated. I hope all goes well

[Lollypop4]

Firstly,I hope You're ok and baby stays put...I had a very prem baby (nearly 17 now) but I know how worried you must be.

Secondly, MIL is so out of order!!!
Block her number, hopefully DH will sort her out.
I wouldnt tolerate your MIL until she gives you an apology.
Sounds like shes annoyed at not beingbat the birth, silly cow.

Good luck

[Ferret27]

She sounds like she May be having a breakdown .... unusual behaviour ...turned 60, widowed, exhausted, Covid.. stress of catching it or passing it on maybe holding all these worries in.... and your call just seemed like the straw that broke the camels back maybe.... once you have had your baby ... maybe ask her what happened ...if you have been so close you should be able to have that conversation... to exhausting to permanently shut her out without knowing why ?

[Iheartbellatrixlastrange]

Jesus, my mil would drop what ever she was doing in that situation! I can’t believe she is even sending you messages. I would never be able to recover after this. You don’t need this as this time

[Tessabelle1]

I hope the 1% who say you're being unreasonable is your MIL as I fail to see how they could think that otherwise! Definitely cut her off, block her number and find someone else to mind your girls when the time comes for baby to be safely delivered. Good luck!

[Purplealienpuke]

JazecK, you did everything you needed to do to keep your unborn baby safe.
Even if your mil fucked off to the far side of fuck off it wouldn't be far enough! She is a disgrace and shouldn't be anywhere near you or your children.
If in time she grovels and you CHOOSE to accept her apology, she will be a very lucky lady indeed.....
Personally I couldn't forgive that shit.

(So happy to not have a mil) 😊

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

@LividLaughLovely

This is so weird there has to be a reason for it.

Secret drunk?

This is what I thought (not necessarily the being drunk bit). It’s so strange, there’s something more to this. For a woman who’s been so keen to be at all your other births to not rush over is just odd - even more so when you’ve always been on such good terms.

The information that your FIL passed away was quite a drip feed. Eight months is nothing in terms of grief for the loss of your life partner, and that’s before you consider everything else that’s been going on. These are not normal times.

You are quite justified in being upset and angry about her behaviour, of course you are. I’d be angry if I were you. All I would say to you is take your time and deal with this when you are ready to, there’s no rush. It sounds like your husband is quite capable of keeping her at a distance, which is great. You concentrate on you and your baby for now, everything else can wait.

As for at least three posters in here who have made generalised, vicious comments about all MILs, grow up and stop being so nasty and prejudiced. MILs are people, they’re individuals. Some of them are ghastly and some of them are wonderful - just like MN posters.

I wish you luck with your baby. 💐

[Sexnotgender]

Fucking hell, wow you’re not being at all unreasonable and I hope you’re ok

On the upside I have the perfect husband for her if she’s looking?

My lovely MIL died last year of brain cancer. We were at home about 10 days post op, she’d had a tumour removed and was doing ok (still many more tumours in her brain). She’d started feeling really quite ill, was struggling for breath, terrible headache so we phoned oncology. We were staying to look after her as she was overseas. Oncology had no appointments but told us to take her to A&E.

We told FIL we needed to take her to A&E. His response? But I’m in the middle of my breakfast 😡
Sure mate, your breakfast is more important than your dying wife...

[Lazydaisydaydream]

She fell ASLEEP??!!! sorry but that's bullshit. I agree that if she had then she would have been mortified and apologising. But also unless she has some sort of health problem, how would she fall asleep after hearing you were having a medical emergency?!

My best friend years ago called to tell me she was in labour (just to tell me, I didn't need to do anything) and I couldn't sleep all night from the adrenaline and thinking about her! If I'd been expecting to go look after her kids I'd have been there in a flash.

[ellesbellesxxx]

Hope everything goes ok in the coming weeks. Xxx
Your BIL and gf sound fantastic.. theirs was the only normal reaction!

[SiaPR]

I’d leave my kids with some random I found in the park over that bitch. Oh no OP, don’t let her back.

[Happynow001]

Hello @JazecK
Hope you've had a good night and that you have a calm and smooth remainder of the week. Hopefully there've been no more dramas and that all your girls are well! 🌷

[copycopypaste]

I think as others have said, at best she was annoyed at being relegated to baby sitter due to not being allowed at the birth (no ones fault), so she was throwing a tantrum. At worst she was hoping you'd end up giving birth at home because she was late, so she'd get to be there (dangerous and unforgivable imo). Either way her behaviour is selfish, childish and stupid.

I hope you've had a good few days op and all is well

[BashStreetKid]

If she really fell asleep, the chances are in reality that at that time of night she would have stayed asleep for eight hours. I'm fascinated at how she justifies the concept that you should have stayed at home having contractions indefinitely. maybe even giving birth, in the vague hope that she'd wake up sometime and come round.