AIBU? to be argry at MIL

[JazecK]

So background first.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant with daughter number 4! DH works in anNHS hospital (about an hours drive away) in the theatre department, so can be difficult to reach at times.
MIL has been present at all of the births so far! my children are the only biological grandchildren she has (she had 6 other step grandchilden) she has expressed the want to be at this birth, but due to COVID I'm only allowed one, so DH is going to be there. MIL agreed to watch DD's when the time came. MIL lives a stones throw from our house (it's a 10 minute walk)

Now yesterday my waters broke just after 8pm! The girls are in bed! I couldn't get hold of DH (who wasn't due to finish until 10pm and is an hours drive away), so, I rang MIL to say I need you!!

I told her how my waters had broken and I was struggling to get hold of DH, could she come and watch the girls ASAP, as I needed to go to the hospital to get help as it's far too early for the baby to come!
The response I got was "can it not wait until DH can get home, I've just got out the bath"
I told her "no it can't wait, the longer I wait the less chance I've got of them stopping it and baby will be born far to early"
She huffed and puffed and said ill be there when I can! And hung up, I waited 25 minutes and tried to ring her again but got no answer! I was now having contractions! So I had to ring my BIL and ask him to help me please! He jumped straight in the car with his GF and drove to my house, he was here in 10 minutes (it usually take 25-30 minutes to get to his house) where his GF stayed with my DD's and BIL drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until DH got there just after half 10. BIL then rang DH later to say that MIL was really angry that I didn't just wait till she got there! BIL's GF said she arrived at my house at 10pm!
Ive now had a massive amount of texts from MIL saying how she can't believe I didn't wait! I'm out of order! How dare I let that child look after her grandchilden! I'm a disgrace it's not that bad if baby was to be born! I'm over reacting! Etc etc etc.

Now that child I let watch my DD's is a 25 year old nursing student! So they were perfectly safe!

When I got to the hospital I was 4cm dilated, they managed to stop the contractions eventually but I'm still 5cm dilated and I've got to stay in until its safe to deliver the baby. They hope to get me to 34 weeks, but there is only so much they can do!

Am I being unreasonable to be mad at MIL!

[Ispywithmycynicaleye]

I doubt op will be back, her thread made it onto fb news.

[Bobbiepin]

It's all well and good calling for an ambulance but that's not why MIL was there - she was supposed to look after the other DCs.

[hammeringinmyhead]

BiL and girlfriend live 30 minutes away, so were very much plan B, and MiL rocked up TWO HOURS after the OP called her. In the 25 minutes she was waiting for the MiL before calling her BiL, she could have gone into active labour.

What exactly do you propose she would have done with her existing children when the ambulance came?

[endlessstrife]

It’s all very sad and difficult timing. I didn’t read about any nasty messages, but I suppose this goes with the whole personality change. If you ever feel a life is in danger/ at risk, you should call for an ambulance. Would the MIL be in a good place mentally or physically, to either take care of the other children, or be a good support for someone in labour, particularly when it’s not the right time, and there may be complications. It sounds like the BIL and his girlfriend did a good job, and were there when needed, which is exactly what the OP would want I would think.

[SnuggyBuggy]

If she'd been apologetic I'd maybe say hear her out but she couldn't even bring herself to say sorry. She sounds deluded and I bet she was hoping to be the one to deliver the baby or something.

[Cocobean30]

Endangering mum and baby’s life and THEN having the audacity to send abusive messages is not acceptable, even when she’s grieving. She is also vile to her other DIL as a standard so there’s more to it than grief.

[DontAskImaNutter]

@endlessstrife I think perhaps you are right and I feel for the MIL in terms of what's happened

But the gravity of this situation - it's very, very serious. If any child were in life threatening/life changing time critical danger would she or anyone else just decide it can wait? It's shocking

[endlessstrife]

Hello Jazeck, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, still going through? I pray it all works out for you and your new baby. May I just give another perspective? I’m a sixty year old woman, four grown up children. I can see why your MIL has behaved this way. She is quite simply grieving. It’s only been 10 months, which is no time at all, but long enough for you to see changes in her, which doesn’t surprise me. I would say you perhaps should never relied on her, as you had already seen these changes. It’s not your fault...you haven’t got there yet. I remember feeling irritated with my mum and dad over similar things when I was a young mum. I didn’t know what was coming...menopause being a big thing! I’m not saying it’s all doom and gloom at all, but then I’m not widowed. You’ve had a good relationship in the past, it will come back, but please give her space. It’s a shame it’s coincided with your new baby, but that’s life I’m afraid. Enjoy your new addition, four is a great number!! and she’ll come back when she’s ready. All the best.

[spikeymama]

OMG! You are so not being unreasonable!! Who the fuck hit the being unreasonable button . Both mine were premature. It’s frightening . Selfish bloody woman. Screw her. What a bitch. I hope all okay in the end xxx

[FelicisNox]

Absolutely nothing excuses her behaviour, widowed or otherwise.

Her attitude is inexcusable. Let DH deal with her but before you do send her 1 text:

I'm really disappointed to read these appalling messages. The fact that you've let me down not withstanding, your appalling attitude towards (BIL GF) who is a 25 year old woman and medical student and your frankly abusive texts are completely unacceptable. I will deal with you when I'm well enough to do so. In the mean time I will be blocking you on my phone and you can speak to DH instead.
Good day.

Then block her and deal with her when well enough. She can stew in the mean time.

[Griselda1]

Is she not annoyed that she wasn't going to be the birth partner and was just holding out, exerting a bit of power over you but it backfired because she didn't think you would contact the bil.
You need to plan for the birth and the fact that she may do the same thing again.

[Ilovechinese]

Wow what a bitch! For that I wouldn't let her see the new baby for a good while since she was happy to put his/her life at risk! How dare she go mad at you when you could have lost your baby spiteful old cow!

[ttigerlilly]

OP if I were you I would be furious. I think that the way she has behaved is awful.

Best wishes to you

[Localocal]

Oh my god that's appalling. Waters breaking at 31 weeks is a medical emergency! So glad your BIL and his girlfriend were there to help. Block her number, delete the texts and don't engage until she realises her behaviour endangered your baby, your health, (you could have had the baby on your floor before she got there!) And you other children - who is taking care of them while you are having your baby on the kitchen floor? Unbelievable. Try to forget her and stay calm, though. You can choose to accept her apology or not after this is all over.

[DontAskImaNutter]

I hope you and the baby are ok OP

This sounds so strange that I could perhaps agree that something is wrong - is MIL physically unwell?

But to behave like this and then be offensive, not just defensive and not profusely apologetic as you'd expect a loving grandparent to be is just completely unforgivable. How could she care so little about a grandchild? I just can't believe someone could be so selfish.

Try to let it go and concentrate on baby for now.

[GabsAlot]

shes always treated her other dc badly op has just been lucky she likes her

its not excuse her grieving she could have said she was pset or drunk but no she said cant it wait then toddled over two hours later

[Angiemum24]

She put the baby life at risk just to be born early so she could be at the birth. She really needs to think about what she’s done.
Your BIL’s GF sounds lovely of course your BIL too.

She may be a lovely MIL but that doesnt excuse what she did, 31 weeks is still in the danger zone especially before steroids.

Rest well and take care lovely.

[MissEliza]

This could be the worst MIL story I've read on MN. She endangered you and your baby and put you under a massive amount of stress. Thank goodness for your BIL and his gf. Hope all goes well for you and your little one

[Nevergonnagiveitup]

I'd forget it, you have enough on your plate, you know shes being unreasonabe and is in the wrong. I'd let your DH deal with it. The last thing you need is a rift at this time.

[TreeTopTim]

I hated my MIL she was a proper bitch but I feel a little bit sorry for your MIL.

She is a recent widow who is now working long hours as a key worker during a pandemic.

I also went through what has happened to you but my waters broke earlier so I know how scary it can be.

If you are able to find the time I would try and sit down with MIL and try and understand why she behaved the way she did. This sounds out of character for her.

[RachelGreen45]

Can’t believe what I’ve just read😮 absolutely awful behaviour, putting your child’s life at risk, your health at risk and then the added text abuse. Wow.
I think I’d be tempted to go NC for a while.
Don’t buy the ‘fell asleep’ bollocks either. Hearing that your grandchild’s trying to make an appearance 9 weeks early, I would of thought would spark a massive panic fuelled adrenaline rush to get to you as quickly as possible.

Anyway I’ve put my 2 pence in, hope you and baby are doing as well as can be OP!xx

[pollymere]

Ten minutes walk? I'd have been there in less, dressed and ready to drive you.

[BashStreetKid]

If she really fell asleep, the chances are in reality that at that time of night she would have stayed asleep for eight hours. I'm fascinated at how she justifies the concept that you should have stayed at home having contractions indefinitely. maybe even giving birth, in the vague hope that she'd wake up sometime and come round.

[copycopypaste]

I think as others have said, at best she was annoyed at being relegated to baby sitter due to not being allowed at the birth (no ones fault), so she was throwing a tantrum. At worst she was hoping you'd end up giving birth at home because she was late, so she'd get to be there (dangerous and unforgivable imo). Either way her behaviour is selfish, childish and stupid.

I hope you've had a good few days op and all is well

[Happynow001]

Hello @JazecK
Hope you've had a good night and that you have a calm and smooth remainder of the week. Hopefully there've been no more dramas and that all your girls are well! 🌷