AIBU? to be argry at MIL

[JazecK]

So background first.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant with daughter number 4! DH works in anNHS hospital (about an hours drive away) in the theatre department, so can be difficult to reach at times.
MIL has been present at all of the births so far! my children are the only biological grandchildren she has (she had 6 other step grandchilden) she has expressed the want to be at this birth, but due to COVID I'm only allowed one, so DH is going to be there. MIL agreed to watch DD's when the time came. MIL lives a stones throw from our house (it's a 10 minute walk)

Now yesterday my waters broke just after 8pm! The girls are in bed! I couldn't get hold of DH (who wasn't due to finish until 10pm and is an hours drive away), so, I rang MIL to say I need you!!

I told her how my waters had broken and I was struggling to get hold of DH, could she come and watch the girls ASAP, as I needed to go to the hospital to get help as it's far too early for the baby to come!
The response I got was "can it not wait until DH can get home, I've just got out the bath"
I told her "no it can't wait, the longer I wait the less chance I've got of them stopping it and baby will be born far to early"
She huffed and puffed and said ill be there when I can! And hung up, I waited 25 minutes and tried to ring her again but got no answer! I was now having contractions! So I had to ring my BIL and ask him to help me please! He jumped straight in the car with his GF and drove to my house, he was here in 10 minutes (it usually take 25-30 minutes to get to his house) where his GF stayed with my DD's and BIL drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until DH got there just after half 10. BIL then rang DH later to say that MIL was really angry that I didn't just wait till she got there! BIL's GF said she arrived at my house at 10pm!
Ive now had a massive amount of texts from MIL saying how she can't believe I didn't wait! I'm out of order! How dare I let that child look after her grandchilden! I'm a disgrace it's not that bad if baby was to be born! I'm over reacting! Etc etc etc.

Now that child I let watch my DD's is a 25 year old nursing student! So they were perfectly safe!

When I got to the hospital I was 4cm dilated, they managed to stop the contractions eventually but I'm still 5cm dilated and I've got to stay in until its safe to deliver the baby. They hope to get me to 34 weeks, but there is only so much they can do!

Am I being unreasonable to be mad at MIL!

This attitude does pre date his death though.
Her attitude and treatment of the other DILs and her other sons shows the type of person she is. It could be that this is the first time the OP has dared to oppose her will.

Hope baby’s ok op.

Her cup of compassion floweth over 😖
What is she thinking !
No you are not being unreasonable at all
How dare she not want to help ... unless she is ill then there is no excuse !
Good luck I hope all has gone well for you 🤩

The amount! Of exclamation! Marks ! You used! Was unreasonable !

OP you poor thing you are right to feel let down and angry. I see that FIL passed away recently and wonder if your phone call for help reminded her of the event leading up to FILs death and she’s gone into some kind of Panic/ freeze which would explain her lateness but not how she has treated you since. From here I’ve no idea what you should do, certainly forward all of her communication to DH to deal with for the short term. The prospect of Loosing your relationship with her sounds as hurtful as what She’s done. I think don’t make rash decisions or try to make sense of it now, keep her at arms length, your relationship won’t ever be what it was and you will likely, rightly be wary of her. Take what you need emotionally and leave the rest. This is likely to dig up lots of emotions connected to your parents too. Try and think about DH and your 4dcs. It’s not for you to solve, MIL has created this, just step back from getting involved as she needs to grieve for FIL and come to terms with things herself. I’m sorry you’ve been so badly (and but for SIL/BIL) dangerously let down by someone you thought you could count on (hugs)

@BlokeTarget

The amount! Of exclamation! Marks ! You used! Was unreasonable !

Jesus Christ @BlokeTarget, could you be any more of a twat to a woman who’s gone into premature labour and is totally shitting herself?

@BlokeTarget

The amount! Of exclamation! Marks ! You used! Was unreasonable !

Do fuck off, dear

I hope your husband has put her straight!! And if I were you I would ignore all the abusive messages until there is an apology.

I'd be absolutely fuming if MIL spoke to me like that and acted like that especially at such a difficult time

You were very nice to even ask if she was being unreasonable, it was a medical emergency so you probably could have called an ambulance. I think she must care a lot about you and perhaps the current situation has caused her mental health to suffer, or if her behaviour has changed could she be having other issues? I am sure you will sort it out and I like to think there is an explanation for it. All the best with your pregnancy

I advise that you block her for now. She sounds a bit unstable. Your needs and the baby’s trump hers at this point in time.
You can park the problem without a shred of guilt and just focus on you and baby.
Ask DH to read texts and leave it to him to respond/soothe. I wonder if she might have an underlying condition. It’s such irrational behaviour, but I’m sure that sort of discussion can wait a while.
Good luck!

She sounds BS crazy and I would leaving my DH to deal with it because you don’t need the stress at this time. Perhaps ask your BIL and GF if they wouldn’t mind being in your emergency list in future and then wait for a long groveling apology from your MIL before you make any further contact!!

Gottogonow I'm sure the ambulance service would have taken OP to hospital, but I doubt they could have rustled up a known and trusted babysitter in short order. Looking after the DDs is what OP asked MIL to do.
BIL took OP to hospital because he is a good bloke.

Does she drink? Going for a nap when your daughter in law, who you're very close to, calls you in a panic because she's gone into premature labour is not normal behaviour. If she's not normally an utterly self centred heartless bitch, and it doesn't sound like she is, then my bet is there's either something mentally wrong, or she was absolutely hammered and is embarrassed to admit it.

None of which is your problem. At least at the moment. Your BIL and his GF sound brilliant; if you can, I'd see if they'll be able to look after your girls when the baby is ready to come. You can't rely on your MIL anymore, regardless of the reason she's behaved the way she has. This will probably upset her, but that's also not your problem. She's been so unreliable, you just can't trust her at the moment. She should be incredibly apologetic, not having a tantrum.

How can she not get on with / dislike ALL of her other daughters in law - isn’t that strange? What’s her real personality?
I’m sorry for you and also how exhausting it must be having someone so awkward in the family. Why does everyone else put up with it?

"How can she not get on with / dislike ALL of her other daughters in law - isn’t that strange?"

Yes, I wondered about that.

@Isaidnomorecrisps

How can she not get on with / dislike ALL of her other daughters in law - isn’t that strange? What’s her real personality? I’m sorry for you and also how exhausting it must be having someone so awkward in the family. Why does everyone else put up with it?

If MIL isn't getting on with the other GFs/wives then they aren't putting up with it. Which is probably why she gets on with OP, OP has been putting up with it, up to now.

Your MIL let you down when you needed her most didnt she! Maybe she's using the old attack is the best form of defence trying to take the onus off her bad behaviour. Turning up at 10 knowing by that time your DH would be on his way home.
Thank goodness your BIL and gf took it as seriously as needed and came.to help.
Good luck keep that baby cooking as long as you can and try not to get worked up about MIL it's done now and she obvs isnt worth it.
Take care of yourself lovely xxx

It's not just what'
She's done, it's her lack of general understanding... It's so odd... You had a medical emergency?

How bizarre.... Then the texts after etc and berating you, when you had a medical emergency with a small unborn child?

V odd. Doesn't sound like a rational, logical person to me...

Oh goodness, I’m sorry OP. How traumatic without the tantrum from mil. You are not unreasonable at all. She is behaving very strangely. It is quite out of order, I hope your DH puts her back in her box.

All my well wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and for your little one. I hope you can shield yourself from all the negativity and attitude, and rest until baby arrives.

Yanbu thats horrible jist ignore her.

Omg tell her your not answering any more text till she apologises and that your concentrating on holding onto the pregnancy and you can’t be stressed 🙏🏻 Everything goes ok for x

She could have endangered your baby if no other help came. Totally unreasonable of her.

You're definitely not being unreasonable, but I'm going to go against the grain here and say maybe think beyond the birth and the impact any changes now will have on your long term relationship with your mil. She clearly means a lot to you to have her at all previous births and she might be struggling more than she's letting on what with losing her husband and having to work through her grief during a pandemic. It doesn't justify what she did but you sound lovely and your MIL is lucky to have you that it might be worth addressing before the birth. All the best for the delivery