AIBU? to be argry at MIL

[JazecK]

So background first.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant with daughter number 4! DH works in anNHS hospital (about an hours drive away) in the theatre department, so can be difficult to reach at times.
MIL has been present at all of the births so far! my children are the only biological grandchildren she has (she had 6 other step grandchilden) she has expressed the want to be at this birth, but due to COVID I'm only allowed one, so DH is going to be there. MIL agreed to watch DD's when the time came. MIL lives a stones throw from our house (it's a 10 minute walk)

Now yesterday my waters broke just after 8pm! The girls are in bed! I couldn't get hold of DH (who wasn't due to finish until 10pm and is an hours drive away), so, I rang MIL to say I need you!!

I told her how my waters had broken and I was struggling to get hold of DH, could she come and watch the girls ASAP, as I needed to go to the hospital to get help as it's far too early for the baby to come!
The response I got was "can it not wait until DH can get home, I've just got out the bath"
I told her "no it can't wait, the longer I wait the less chance I've got of them stopping it and baby will be born far to early"
She huffed and puffed and said ill be there when I can! And hung up, I waited 25 minutes and tried to ring her again but got no answer! I was now having contractions! So I had to ring my BIL and ask him to help me please! He jumped straight in the car with his GF and drove to my house, he was here in 10 minutes (it usually take 25-30 minutes to get to his house) where his GF stayed with my DD's and BIL drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until DH got there just after half 10. BIL then rang DH later to say that MIL was really angry that I didn't just wait till she got there! BIL's GF said she arrived at my house at 10pm!
Ive now had a massive amount of texts from MIL saying how she can't believe I didn't wait! I'm out of order! How dare I let that child look after her grandchilden! I'm a disgrace it's not that bad if baby was to be born! I'm over reacting! Etc etc etc.

Now that child I let watch my DD's is a 25 year old nursing student! So they were perfectly safe!

When I got to the hospital I was 4cm dilated, they managed to stop the contractions eventually but I'm still 5cm dilated and I've got to stay in until its safe to deliver the baby. They hope to get me to 34 weeks, but there is only so much they can do!

Am I being unreasonable to be mad at MIL!

Has her behaviour changed in anyway lately???Could it be early signs of dementia??

@JazecK
BIL and his GF have just rang to say how nice it's been spending time with my girls. She has taken the rest of the week off to help out and she said she will be there for us for as long as we need it.
What lovely people your BIL and his GF are. How extremely kind of her to take time out to help with your daughters. Sounds like a great idea for her and/or BIL to be your babysitter if that works for you all. What a hero was BIL!! 👏🏻

I hope your husband made it VERY clear to his mother the jeopardy you and your new baby could have been in if BIL couldn't have been contacted. Glad he's got your back.

I agree with other PP's to block your MIL. Is she likely to just turn up at the hospital do you think?

Sleep tight OP and best wishes to you! 🌷

BIL and GF sound amazing!
Really pleased that baby is staying put for the moment. Hang in in there. I’d just block MILs number until you’re ready to speak to her. You don’t need the stress, nor does baby.

what an ewvil witch-she comprimised your lives doing that-what does she mean so what if the baby comes

is she fucking mad-i wouoldnt have anything to do with her

Unbelievable mil. She don't deserve to be around your kids how dare she risk your baby's life like that.

I'd concentrate on you and baby right now but when you're back home I'd be making some changes.

Lots of luck.

No way. I wouldn't be able to even look at her for a long time yet. Trying to make herself centre of attention at a time like that, endangering both your and your baby's lives, is unforgivable. I couldn't tolerate her being anywhere near me. At least she can't try to twist anything though because you have the messages to prove how utterly horrid she was to you. Oh no, I'd not be able to get over this. She's done some real damage there and when she realises, if she ever does, I hope she apologises properly. Best of luck to you and the baby.

I'm so glad that your BIL and his GF are there. This is truly heroic of them in light of what you say about them treating your BILs so badly.
I'm sure the PP who said about her mum panicking is trying to be kind, but I bet her mum didn't just pop back home for a snooze and then send nasty comments about the competency of your DH afterwards. It might be that your MIL was too drunk to drive but could have walked unless she was too drunk to be with your children, in which case she should have said she was ill and unable to come, unless she actually had the courage to admit what was up. Similarly with any other drugs or medication. Putting all the rest together, though, I suspect this wasn't the point, and the comment after about your BIL's lovely GF makes her behaviour inexcusable. Only you can decide whether this is forgivable or not.
Sadly, your MIL will probably never forgive you rBIL or his GF for this.

I normally fell sorry for the wrap MIL get, but in this case, she was totally unreasonable and mean spirited.

She is widowed and working 60 hr weeks too? How old is she? I’m in my 50’svand would struggle tbh never mind having lost my other half. With change in behaviour to me it sounds like she isn’t coping.I had a challenging MIL who would say upsetting things- She died a few years ago-she lost her dh and became v insular- that was her grieving. Please at least talk to her. People on her speak with such vitriol.Get to the bottom of what went on first.

She is 60 at the end of the month. Her boss (also my boss) has told her on many occasions to go home. She is working to hard. But as key workers we have all been doing extra hours, longer shifts and it's taken its toll on us all. We both work in a private hospital theatre all be it slightly different role. I work in the decon unit and she is the theatre secretary.
I've had a phone call this morning from our boss, saying he can't believe she is in work and not with me and the girls.
I just want to know why she did what she did, and have a honest conversation with her. In all truthfulness I feel so upset because she has never let me down like this in 17 years. I miss talking to her, I miss her already it's only been 2 days and all I want is my MIL back. But I'm still so upset by her actions. She has always been there for me, no matter what, I feel so betrayed by her actions

Tbf I work 45-50+ most weeks including right up to Saturday when this all happened. As the hospital has got rid of all Bank and agency staff due to reduced numbers coming through the door, so only contract staff are in and it's pushing us all to the edge of our limits. Not just her.

OP this story appeared on my FB feed this morning, and I think you should watch the details you’re putting out.

Thanks

By all means have an honest conversation with her.

Perhaps include the phrase ‘MIL, imagine if you had a medical emergency at home, say a fall. And I prioritised some household tasks and had a nap, even knowing you were lying there, scared and in pain. That’s what I need you to picture, MIL, when you explain it to me.’

The woman is clearly immortal herself. Or a bit damn blind about her own future needs. No harm in ‘crystal balling’ it a bit for her.

Look, what happened could be viewed as a 'clash' of both of your attachment styles. Your MILs husband (her security) died 8 months ago. 3 months ago Covid happened. You lost your secure base, your Mum, but then you got your DH and your kids - they are now your security. When your DH wasn't available you went to your other 'mother' for help in a life or death situation, but she turned away from you and this likely triggered a huge response from you. Which is normal. She doesn't get what it's like to have children to mind and another baby inside you that needs help. You were in the absolute worst position a woman could be in, in some respects.
Your MIL reacted badly. She was asked to help in an emergency but she didn't know what to do. She got an immediate demand by one of her 'children' and suddenly hadn't the resources to respond. Who knows what's going on with her but she has withdrawn in some way in the past months.
Thing is she is not seeing it the way you see it. She has a blind spot in relation to what she did. She minimised and dismissed the importance of it because....who knows? She can't 'see' what she did. This woman means a lot to you. Your matter to each other. It's a relationship worth saving and one of you is going to have to be the grown up here and reach out. Not sure that's her at this point in the year she has had.
She may learn more from an understanding and accepting chat than from reactive behaviour. All the best for the wee baba.

@GreenTulips

OP this story appeared on my FB feed this morning, and I think you should watch the details you’re putting out.

How does an MN post appear in your FB feed?

@sillysmiles - Mumsnet sometimes share threads on their Facebook, or it could have been picked up by one of the daily shit-rag newspapers and shared.

I am another one wondering if she has been drinking since her husband died especially as it is out of character.

@JazecK hopefully you can put the whole incident with your MIL aside for the moment and deal with it with you are in a less vulnerable situation.
Her behaviour is bizarre, especially as she is more than a MIL to you and you've had a fantastic and close relationship for so long.
Now is not the time to try sort things out, just focus on yourself and when you feel up to it, have an open conversation with her and then take it from there.

People show their true colours in a crisis. And while she had previously always been kind and supportive to you, the relationship she has with her other sons and DILs would give me pause. Perhaps she is genuinely struggling - grief can make you behave very out of character - but I wonder if this is the first time you have done something she doesn’t like and this is the result.

Either way, try not to think about her, block her messages - and look after yourself and the little one! Time enough to unravel all this, if you want to, once your baby has safely arrived.

All I can say is what a sad, disappointing letdown for you. The fact that she was present at the births of your own children indicates the extent to which you saw - and treated - this woman as a mother-figure. It's particularly sad given your own died in such tragic circumstances.

Step back. Let your husband take the reins and navigate the relationship and contact with the children. It's an approach I had to take with my husband's sister, because I knew that sooner or later that behaviour would be repeated. In the intervening years I haven't been proven wrong - it's happened on more than one occasion - but by then I was distanced enough not to be affected.

This is for your own self-preservation, not a form of 'punishment' for the MiL. You must feel extremely upset, and I sympathise. But unfortunately she's shown you her arse. This is exactly who she is.

I've had a phone call this morning from our boss, saying he can't believe she is in work and not with me and the girls.

The last part of your sentence makes your boss sounds unprofessional and unsupportive of he team member (your MIL).

It must be very difficult to have a baby in lockdown. Social distancing with a newborn must be impossible.

I actually agree that she regretted offering to look after the girls and was possibly sulking about being downgraded to babysitter from birth partner. Perhaps she was hanging about hoping someone else would do it, so she could go to the hospital with you. Strange logic though as if you had been in active labour when DH arrived, she'd have been kicked out!

I mean it's either that or her understanding of the risk of a 31 week birth is way off.

I suspect your MIL is pretty depressed. (Not that I am justifying her behaviour the other night at all... I think that was at best, bloody weird - at worst, deplorable!) When you said that she lost her DH 8 months ago, and she has been in lockdown and working like a crazy person through a pandemic (crisis situation) for a lot of this for the NHS, possibly to hide from her true feelings about life, perhaps they all hit her when you rang her. I’m not sure I actually believe she could have possibly fallen asleep after a phone call like that. Maybe she was overwhelmed with exhaustion... Maybe she was overwhelmed with grief because her DH will never meet this baby. Maybe she was simply too knackered to think about looking after your little kids and didn’t know how to tell you...
The over-all theme of withdrawal from the family may be because she and her DH had been making plans that were interrupted by his illness (to travel, maybe?).... or she had made plans to do things once he was gone and she had recovered a bit and then this stupid virus had put a stop to that. Perhaps she is feeling resentful because she doesn’t know her place in the world without her DH anymore. It’s not uncommon. Regardless, I think maybe she needs a bit of sensitivity, and if you are as close as you say, I suspect you’re the girl for the job.

*If you feel up to it. You said you miss her.