AIBU? to be argry at MIL

[JazecK]

So background first.
I'm 31 weeks pregnant with daughter number 4! DH works in anNHS hospital (about an hours drive away) in the theatre department, so can be difficult to reach at times.
MIL has been present at all of the births so far! my children are the only biological grandchildren she has (she had 6 other step grandchilden) she has expressed the want to be at this birth, but due to COVID I'm only allowed one, so DH is going to be there. MIL agreed to watch DD's when the time came. MIL lives a stones throw from our house (it's a 10 minute walk)

Now yesterday my waters broke just after 8pm! The girls are in bed! I couldn't get hold of DH (who wasn't due to finish until 10pm and is an hours drive away), so, I rang MIL to say I need you!!

I told her how my waters had broken and I was struggling to get hold of DH, could she come and watch the girls ASAP, as I needed to go to the hospital to get help as it's far too early for the baby to come!
The response I got was "can it not wait until DH can get home, I've just got out the bath"
I told her "no it can't wait, the longer I wait the less chance I've got of them stopping it and baby will be born far to early"
She huffed and puffed and said ill be there when I can! And hung up, I waited 25 minutes and tried to ring her again but got no answer! I was now having contractions! So I had to ring my BIL and ask him to help me please! He jumped straight in the car with his GF and drove to my house, he was here in 10 minutes (it usually take 25-30 minutes to get to his house) where his GF stayed with my DD's and BIL drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until DH got there just after half 10. BIL then rang DH later to say that MIL was really angry that I didn't just wait till she got there! BIL's GF said she arrived at my house at 10pm!
Ive now had a massive amount of texts from MIL saying how she can't believe I didn't wait! I'm out of order! How dare I let that child look after her grandchilden! I'm a disgrace it's not that bad if baby was to be born! I'm over reacting! Etc etc etc.

Now that child I let watch my DD's is a 25 year old nursing student! So they were perfectly safe!

When I got to the hospital I was 4cm dilated, they managed to stop the contractions eventually but I'm still 5cm dilated and I've got to stay in until its safe to deliver the baby. They hope to get me to 34 weeks, but there is only so much they can do!

Am I being unreasonable to be mad at MIL!

[Devlesko]

That would be it for me and she'd never see my kids again, she's poison.
Why have you allowed her to be so involved in your life.
I mean this in the best possible way for you, I'm angry for you.
But ffs you have to learn to stand up for yourself and of course your dh should back you up 100%.

[Tootsie321]

Your MIL is an idiot, and that’s being kind. You could have ended up giving birth at home and alone and the outcome could have been terrible! You could have ended up losing your baby or both of you dying!

Things can often happen much more quickly than you expect. My dd phoned me to come and get her ds as she had started contractions. I was there within 15 minutes and knew she was well into Labour! Her dh took her straight to hospital, where baby was born 55 minutes later, with the emergency resuscitator at the bedside. She lost a lot of blood and theatre was prepped in case she needed surgery! Her total time from her waters breaking to baby being born was less than 4 hours! If she had waited to go in, the outcome could have been very different.

However, before you go NC or tell her how out of order she is, who is looking after your other dd’s whilst you are in hospital? Is it MIL?

[GwenSaturn]

Wow...  I'd struggle to ever forgive that behaviour. From anyone, let alone my MIL!

I think even if a neighbour I'd never met asked me to watch their dc in your position, I would've ran over in my bathrobe!

Block her number. You do not need any stress right now. Park it. Concentrate on you right now.

Good luck OP and stay in there a little bit longer baby @JazecK!

[Laserbird16]

What an arse. Here's hoping your baby stays put for a bit longer and glad you're ok OP.

When your baby arrives and MIL asks to visit I'd let her know it can wait. Then leave it two days or months or years depending how gracious you are feeling

But again what a total arse

[Mrskeats]

Went I went into labour my mum sent my dad to look after our toddler because she wanted to go to line dancing!
This has continued and my now 21 year old has never stayed with her gps despite them living 4 miles away.
Some people are just selfish.
Hope all goes well op.

[namechange5575]

Right, yes her behaviour was all kinds of wrong - but you say you've had a really good relationship for 17 years, her husband died 8 months ago, and since then she's started behaving badly? You need to look after yourself, but she's clearly struggling. Could be depressed. Could be failing to adjust to life without him. This isn't her usual personality, this is something else surely.

[D1ngledanglers]

That's just awful. I would be seething...
However I'm also wondering whether Mil could have something going on that's caused her to be so unreasonable - depression, dementia, stress...
Not that you should be worrying about that now.
Make sure you focus on yourself and baby now.
Thank goodness you had bil and gf to step in and do such an amazing job caring for your girls

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

My MIL wanted to be at my births, I did not want her there. I managed to give birth to all 3 before she arrived in the country! (DS 3 days early, DD1 she booked to come 2 weeks before due date, DD was 2.5 weeks early; DD2 she waited and booked flights after I had the CS date, ended up withEMCS a week earlier )

Even in utero your children knew what she was like, Audit.

That's some superpower they have there!

[Mollymalone123]

You say she has been different with you and your dc since loss of FIL- It’s only been 8 months- seems v odd that she has behaved so badly now after such a great relationship before
People in grief can behave in very strange ways ( my DF def since my mum died)
Could she-as others mentioned - maybe have had a drink? My late MIL had to have scotch every night to be able to go to sleep after FIL passed- she was teetotal before
Hope u are doing ok

[Velvian]

WTF was she thinking. Topped off by accusing you of bad parenting. When you trying to get the hospital for your unborn DC4's sake.

I second blocking her number for the time being. Hopefully BIL and his GF will be on hand if another emergency arises. They sound like stars. for you, op. X

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"She says she took that long because she fell asleep on the bed!"
Yeah, right! Had that happened she'd be falling over herself with apologies, which she isn't. She felt entitled to be at the birth, and damn the consequences (which could have been horrendous and obviously not bourn by her).

You say you've had a long and close relationship with her, she lost her husband "8 months ago and she has changed a lot since then". I think maybe your husband and his siblings should be looking into that.

[R2G]

Just don't reply and concentrate on you

[Wolfgirrl]

Another vote for ’did it on purpose so she could be at the unplanned home birth’

Crikey I didnt think of that, my guess wouldve been that she was hoping someone else would take the kids in the meantime, leaving her free to rush to the hospital in time for the delivery

What on earth is it with (some) MILs and being obsessed with seeing the baby fresh out of the womb? There are so many stories on MN it can't be a coincidence? Is it because they presume their DIL will invite their own mum, and are desperate not to be left out?

[Waveysnail]

Mil sounds like shes become a bit unhinged. Weird she fell asleep after your phonecall. Could she be on sleeping pills after death of her husband?

[Jen4813]

Omg that is awful! YANBU
I wouldn’t want anything to do with her after that and you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Let DH deal with her.

[diddl]

@HeyThereDelilah1

Jesus, I hope the world’s biggest apology is winging it your way!

I don't think that there's an apology big enough!

She lost her husband just 8months ago though-that's nothing.

Things have changed & she has less time for you-I mean that's not a surprise is it?

Maybe it was never a good idea to rely on her?

Back ups are always a good idea in any case if possible-especially if the person you have asked works.

[Glendaruel]

Not acceptable, but agree with other posts, it's not for you to worry about now, but think dh and his siblings need to have a think about this in few weeks when things settle. Grief can be a catalyst for many issues and there maybe more to this than is seen now.

Hope wee one behaved itself.

[Bananacloud]

Another vote for ’did it on purpose so she could be at the unplanned home birth’

If that’s true than she more evil than I thought. A home birth at 31 weeks is a potential life threatening risk to mother and baby. I would point that out to her OP. By making you wait, she out yours and your unborn child’s life at risk.

[JazecK]

When I say she has changed and has less time for us, I mean she phones/texts less. But I and her sons have been in contact with her daily. 1 of her sons still lives at home, he has said that she is just working more (I think to keep herself occupied) she has become more selfish and has less time for us, but I think it's because her DS my DH is so much like his dad (spitting image, manner, temperament etc) she finds it hard to be around him. BIL's have always said how my DH is golden balls haha, and how either of us can do no wrong! Yet she flys off the handle at BIL's all the time. In the first 3-4 months after FIL passed she was at my house daily, came for Sunday lunch every week. Same as always then COVID happened and she is now working 60 hour weeks and doesn't even text back half the time.

BIL and his GF have just rang to say how nice it's been spending time with my girls. She has taken the rest of the week off to help out and she said she will be there for us for as long as we need it.

[JazecK]

Baby and I are doing fine. I've had no more contractions and baby seems to be OK. Baby is measuring on the 80th centile and they have given me steroids just incase too.

[Giespeace]

Stunned by what I’ve just read.
This would be the end of my and my children’s relationship with MIL I think. A loving grandmother doesn’t deliberately endanger her unborn grandchild’s life, and then abuse the baby’s mother for seeking help. It’s unforgivable.
Thank god the rest of the family sound like absolutely diamonds, I’m so glad you and DH have their support now.
MIL doesn’t even deserve any more of your headspace.

[NoWuckingForries]

8 months since her DH died is still very new. My dad is still in bits . I'm not sure what you mean by your DH putting her in her place.

Obviously it was an emergency and she should have come immediately. Glad you have alternative arrangements. Hope you both keep well.

[Boopeedoop]

I cannot believe she would put your unborn babies life in jeopardy.

[unchienandalusia]

I'm usually on the side of calmly trying to stay in good relations with in laws (or any family) but this is unforgivable.

[Timekeeper1]

OP has she ever been a drinker at all?