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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My marriage is over

160 replies

Wineandpyjamas · 08/06/2020 00:02

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

OP posts:
Greenkit · 08/06/2020 00:05

Is he seeing someone else?

RedHelenB · 08/06/2020 00:09

Classic line for an affair, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Id start digging around if I were you.

Mixedandproud · 08/06/2020 00:12

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear this is happening. I know it won’t feel like it right now but you will get through this. You have your whole life ahead of you and your lovely children. You will find lot’s of support on MN and also great advice I’m sure.
Maybe a separation would be for the best because otherwise walking on eggshells and living in limbo is worse surely? Waiting whilst he makes up his mind is so unfair on you.
Sending you hugs Flowers

RandomMess · 08/06/2020 00:12

Get him to move out and ensure he has the DC regularly if you both work 50:50 if you don't then I guess EOW Fri to Monday and a mid week overnight.

Don't let him waltz out and leave you to carry the can of parenting whilst he starts living the single life.

Where he goes isn't your problem tbh!

sassbott · 08/06/2020 00:17

OP, why don’t you ask for this to be moved to divorce/ separation thread. You’ll get a lot of handholding there.
I’m sorry this has happened. Do you think lockdown has exacerbated this? Is he open to trying counselling?

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2020 00:41

He’s seeing someone else. Guaranteed.

FortunesFave · 08/06/2020 00:45

The "confusion' is him trying to work out what's best for HIM...and I agree with others, he's seeing someone else. Can you snoop? Check his phone? Emails?

Stonerosie67 · 08/06/2020 00:45

I'm really sorry to read this, but I too hear alarm bells ringing...are you sure it's his mum he's phoning?

OhioOhioOhio · 08/06/2020 00:48

Plenty of time to cry sad tears. You need to get him out of your house and get angry.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2020 00:50

Sounds like the classic script to me.

OldSpanner · 08/06/2020 00:50

So sorry OP what a pile of crap. I've been through the same.

Just to ring the changes, why don't you say 'fine darling, I'll move out and do EOW, how's that'.

Honestly they waltz off with some notion in their heads of 'freedom' and 'finding themselves' and likely 'the one', it's time these feckless leaving partners took on the responsibility of the family they created. Apols for the rant.

Notapheasantplucker · 08/06/2020 00:51

I highly doubt he's ringing his mum op.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2020 00:53

I would be telling him to fuck off to his mum's house. You can't possibly think straight with him in your face everywhere you turn.

Wineandpyjamas · 08/06/2020 01:01

I asked him if there was anyone else. He said there isn’t but I think I’ll try and check his phone if I can.

I think I believe him though. He’s a rubbish liar and he answered me pretty honestly although he did admit he’s been essentially ‘emotionally cheating’ with a girl from work but he’s not in love with her.

Apologies my head is all in a mess tonight. Will reply more coherently tomorrow

OP posts:
pfrench · 08/06/2020 01:04

Doesn't matter what the reason is really does it, not right now.

Just ask him to leave asap - I'd expect him to go to his mums. Sort out childcare around your work situations during the week and do every other weekend. All that is allowed within the COVID situation.

Justaboy · 08/06/2020 01:05

He's got a bit on the side no doubt about that, best advice i can give is get a GOOD solicitor to advise you and fight your corner in the battle to come!

Sorry for you though! its not much fun been there got the bloody T shirt!

pfrench · 08/06/2020 01:05

I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

And that's no way to live. You'll be relieved when he's gone. Might take a few days to get to relief, but I'd put money on it.

FortunesFave · 08/06/2020 01:07

he did admit he’s been essentially ‘emotionally cheating’ with a girl from work but he’s not in love with her.

That's him telling you OP. He's seeing her.

ekidmxcl · 08/06/2020 01:08

99.9% chance of an affair based on what you’ve written.
It’s the script.
He won’t admit it unless you have 100% proof so don’t let him know that you’re wondering about it. He’ll deny it ad infinitum.

StormBaby · 08/06/2020 01:11

An emotional affair is still an affair I'm afraid.

MashedSpud · 08/06/2020 01:20

“Gone out to ring his mum”...

Mistress more like.

Sorry he’s done this op.

Weenurse · 08/06/2020 01:23

Do not do the ‘pick me’ dance.
Get all your financial information together.
Make a list of what you need to separate.
Ask yourself what you want your life to look like in 5 years, knowing he is not in love with you anymore.
Work towards that.

SandyY2K · 08/06/2020 01:30

If he's saying a trial separation, you need to agree on the terms. Are you both considered free agents during the separation?

The person at work is where his heart is now.

Sorry about this.

schoolsoutforcovid · 08/06/2020 01:47

Oh god. The "emotional affair" is very rarely just that.

Don't do it OP. As hard as it is not to. The reason he's leaving is because he's a cheat.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2020 01:56

...although he did admit he’s been essentially ‘emotionally cheating’ with a girl from work but he’s not in love with her.

Cheaters always minimise. Always, every time. He is 100% having an affair.