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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My marriage is over

160 replies

Wineandpyjamas · 08/06/2020 00:02

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

OP posts:
expat101 · 08/06/2020 01:57

If he wants to separate, then off he goes out of the home with his things and he can explain it to the Girls.

He doesn't get a each-way bet with you, seemingly trying to keep everything ok in front of the children but living a separate life. That just doesn't happen.

JustKittenAround · 08/06/2020 02:05

If you can start to quietly make your game plan. Get your money in order, talk to those you trust.

All this drama is for him to feel better because he was OMG sooooo torn, but in the end it usually ends up with them needing time and space (so that they can play). While you’re supposed to provide the safe haven should their new life not work out.

Like others have said don’t play the pick me dance. Even if you still care it’ll be less attractive in their eyes. Also, you honestly deserve to have someone with you, sharing your life, who actually knows that they love and cherish you.

Cheating (signs point to yes I’m afraid.... did you even know about that emotional affair... look up trickle truth...if you didn’t then he upped his lying game) doesn’t even matter, at the end of the day you’ve given so much and you deserve better. You need to see your worthiness. It doesn’t hinge on him... shaking tears and all.

I have dealt with this and I felt like it was a reflection on me. But it wasn’t! It’s a reflection on them. You are worthy of a life where you don’t need to walk on egg shells. You have earned a life where you don’t need to coddle and hold a man who isn’t convinced of your worth and worse having an “emotional” affair...

Be honest, do you really want him as your “prize” for not accepting your own worth?

You are worth love without question or doubt. Believe me.

BananaSpanner · 08/06/2020 02:05

The trial separation is for him to try out his new gf and let you both do the pick me dance. Do not give him permission to do this. If he wants to separate, he goes and doesn’t get to come back once he’s had a bit of fun. Or he stays and stops cheating (if that is what you want). You deserve better and his tears are all for himself.

JustKittenAround · 08/06/2020 02:12

@BananaSpanner

The trial separation is for him to try out his new gf and let you both do the pick me dance. Do not give him permission to do this. If he wants to separate, he goes and doesn’t get to come back once he’s had a bit of fun. Or he stays and stops cheating (if that is what you want). You deserve better and his tears are all for himself.
100% this.
MsDogLady · 08/06/2020 02:25

I’m very sorry for your devastation, OP.

So there is an OW. He has been creating distance between you to justify and make room for his emotional, and likely physical, infidelity. He has been manipulating you with his mid-life crisis guff while he lies and cheats.

You are stunned and heartbroken, but you need to take control here and draw a line. In your shoes I would tell him to leave the home, as you cannot process all this and make decisions with his toxic presence in your space.

Do not diminish yourself by doing the Pick-Me dance for this man who has been pretending to be a committed husband and family man.

Somethingkindaoooo · 08/06/2020 02:58

OP
Chin up. It does hurt, but don't let him see you cry.
Tell him ok, he can move to his mums, and the woman from work is welcome to him.
Wish him all the best.

He's trying to see if the grass is greener.
Men leave because they believe they have a chance with the other person.

What does the " emotional affair" consist of? Don't let him wiggle out of answering. He doesn't want you to have the whole story, because he wants you to keep hanging on

stellabelle · 08/06/2020 03:18

Everything he is saying, screams "affair". Not an emotional affair , men always try to make it sound less than it is. He wants to leave so he can try living with his mistress. I"d be seeing a solicitor in your situation - sorry.

SadWife321 · 08/06/2020 03:31

I’m going to echo what PP have said. He’s having an emotional (at least) affair and has transferred his affections to the OW. The trial separation is so he can pursue what he thinks will make him happy now, I.e. her, not you.

I have been in exactly your shoes, OP, and I did the pick me dance (I now realise). My H came back, and I have had 3 miserable years now, as things between us will never be the same again. I don’t trust him, and I don’t really like him that much any more. It’s awful. I wish with all my heart that I had kept my dignity when he walked out on us and just let him go. I would have definitely moved on by now and be so much happier. Sending you strength and courage Flowers

differentnameforthis · 08/06/2020 03:36

@BananaSpanner

The trial separation is for him to try out his new gf and let you both do the pick me dance. Do not give him permission to do this. If he wants to separate, he goes and doesn’t get to come back once he’s had a bit of fun. Or he stays and stops cheating (if that is what you want). You deserve better and his tears are all for himself.
This^^

although he did admit he’s been essentially ‘emotionally cheating’ with a girl from work but he’s not in love with her.

I think affair too, especially with this line. They only ever admit to the minimum at first, but I am thinking more will come out.

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 08/06/2020 03:40

About to go to sleep at bloody last, but so sorry OPFlowers Sorry you're going through this. Have been there and got the T-shirt and whole outfit. Its terrible.

You have to decide if you want to let him go or try and fight.

Whatever you decide I will pray for you that you get through it. No decision is the wrong decision.

You will survive this and be happy again and this hurt will fade with time regardless of what you choose to do. In the meantime be as kind to yourself as you can.

user1493423934 · 08/06/2020 03:45

^Yes, sorry I agree with this too. She may be waiting til he's offically 'single' before it becomes physical, so he can say nothing happened til he was single so he doesn't look like a cheater . . . even though that isn't the truth . .

Techway · 08/06/2020 03:49

I am sorry as he isn't the man you thought he was or deserve.

It will hurt so much but you will get through this.

PopsicleHustler · 08/06/2020 04:39

Let him clear off into the sunset. It appears he is cheating my love. Let him to and just focus on yourself and.your family . Sending all my best wishes to you at this time

Zoflorabore · 08/06/2020 04:48

He’s telling you the bare bones op. I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty situation.

Make it crystal clear to him that it’s HIM that has chose this so there’s no going back once he leaves. I’ve seen it so many times where this happens and many men realise what they’ve lost when it’s too late. Hold your head high, none of this is your fault.

Please take care of yourself Flowers

Classicbrunette · 08/06/2020 04:57

Let him go and keep your dignity. It’ll be better for you both, but you will benefit the most.

everyonebutme · 08/06/2020 05:37

Oh so sorry to hear this OP. I've been there. The walking on egg shells with his unpredictable emotions. The affair (she's just a friend who needs someone to talk to about her marriage breakup). I remember shivering and not eating or sleeping for weeks after I found out. 18 months I lived like this knowing it was going on. But it's eight years on for me now and I'm with someone else and happier than ever. It's awful for you now but stay strong and you'll get through it and be rid of him. You deserve better.

Smackupthekipper · 08/06/2020 05:53

The ‘thrill factor’ of romantic love lessens and changes over time as you settle into a long term relationship, it’s inevitable and normal. I suspect that this girl at work is perhaps causing him some ‘first flush’ feelings which are clouding his judgement. You said this came up a year or so ago - was this girl on the scene then ? You need to find out because even though he says he’s not in love with her, obviously something is there or he wouldn’t have mentioned her. There are a lot of men who end up what I call ‘serial monogamists’, mistaking the feeling of settling into a long term relationship for the loss of romantic love - moving on when that madly in love feeling wears off and they feel the need to experience it afresh. Could this be the case here ? If so, I think I agree with previous posters - you need to protect yourself and make sure that he shoulders responsibility for the family he created before he ‘fell out of love’ with you. So sorry this is happening to you. He sounds very immature. BTW l’m at odds with other posters in that l think he probably is ringing his mother. Emotionally he’s still a baby and will go running back to mummy for comfort and reassurance.

Luddite26 · 08/06/2020 06:08

Everything that everybody has said I was thinking.
Open the door let him go. Keep your dignity.
Yes it will hurt. You will go through stages of grief but you will come out stronger.
Focus now on you and your children. Love yourself not him. Respect yourself - just because he hasn't been respecting you doesn't mean you don't deserve respect.
This is him doing this to you and you don't deserve it. But you should stay strong and there will be life for you beyond this and, you know, it will be a better life. Sending you love.Flowers

Muh2020 · 08/06/2020 06:14

Oh dear.
yes, the ow will surface soon enough.
honestly - find your anger and leave him to it.
don't ever take him back though.

Casino218 · 08/06/2020 06:22

He sounds very self indulgent. Kick him out he's acting like a tool.

zscaler · 08/06/2020 06:24

I’m so, so sorry OP. I can only imagine how difficult and distressing this is.

You’re absolutely right that you are going to be ok, and one day this will not be a raw pain, but I understand how much it hurts right now Flowers

SophieB100 · 08/06/2020 06:30

I was you 10 years ago.
He swore blind there was no one else, but there was.

We had been married for 20 years and had teenage kids.
Get a solicitor, and detach from him emotionally and focus on him moving out asap.
You will get through this, the pieces will fall into place.
I divorced my ex after he left, and moved on.
But it hurts like hell at the time. Get legal advice, rely on family and friends for emotional support.
But please don't believe a word he says. There is almost certainly some one else.
Perhaps start a thread (or move this one) to Relationships - you'll get a lot of practical and emotional support there. So many of us have been where you are now.
Best bit of advice I had when it happened to me: He's not your friend.

EThreepwood · 08/06/2020 06:43

I was you 4 years ago. You are going to thrive without his drama!
Let it all out but never let him be a confident and never do the pick me dance/desperately cling on because you're scared.

Life turned out a lot better when I dumped his repetitive cheating ass and the ego crush of indifference was priceless.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 08/06/2020 06:50

Yanbu.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/06/2020 06:56

Not sure if I agree with all the responses on here.

He is entitled to end the relationship just as much as you would be. It sounds as if he has done so respectfull. He might have someone else but no-one on here knows that and ultimately, does it really matter? You can beat yourself up over ot but it will not alter the outcome.

I also don't think you can kick him out of a property as posters have advised if he also owns it but you can ask him if he is willing to do so.

It sounds as if both you and he are amicable, reasonable people and my advice would be to try and keep it that way for your own well being and for your children.

I would sit with him and discuss practicalities. If you need to, get a solicitor.

I am sorry, OP. I have been divorced and it is truly shit. But you will come through.