My marriage is over

[Wineandpyjamas]

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

Three quarters of about 15 couples, not 3 out of 4.

I’m so sorry OP - it will be better forging along than playing pick me and walking on eggshells- good luck

@WitchWife Thanks for the link. I have read it. it's now almost 2 months out of date and I don't think it applies to couples deciding to live apart. It does say after an 'argument' and it implies it is temporary, (days) not for a change of residence.

I assume that guide was for couples or families where there is a risk of violence, but it doesn't cover moving in with someone else on a permanent basis at the moment.Anyway, it's his problem to sort and anyone else who decides to re-home him!

Agree with PPs, no pick me dance (as OP has already said), he should leave immediately and do at least 50% of child care including cooking, washing clothes etc wherever he moves to and certainly not in the family home. Be sensitive to your own needs OP

I didn’t say what I said to be spiteful- that’s the advice I had from my solicitor and also from other mums who had split with fathers of their children. Separate completely, Put a claim in for child support and don’t be doing any “wife work” type stuff for him anymore. It’s not to prove a point it’s to help you move on and so everyone including the kids knows where they stand. I know a few mums who don’t do that and they all seem unhappy with the situation in one way or another.

Definitely his problem @JinglingHellsBells - one of the other "reasonable excuses" is moving out, according to this v up to date document. Whether that means getting your own place, moving home or moving in with someone else (e.g. your mother) on a permanent basis. The govt is really not keen to force split up couples to live together, that would be madness.

Anyway I think this is providing a distraction from the thread, bottom line is if one of a couple wants to leave, they CAN.

It IS his problem @Witchwife BUT what I am also hearing and reading a lot is that this is not the time to make major life hanging decisions.

I have read there are 10000s couples now contemplating divorce ( as they do in January!) and I suspect that 10 weeks of lockdown and maybe 24/7 at home together is a tipping point.

However, with this guy, it may very well make the grass look greener. When he's having to pay up for his kids, manage them on his own, etc etc, the attraction of the OW may wear off.

Oh for gods sake Jingling of course he can move to his parents. If Dominic Cummings can use his sense to do what he did the OP can quote ‘emotional abuse’ when her DH said he no longer loved her and smashed her emotions to the floor, then had a fucking good trample on them for good measure.

For you OP .

Webchat with family law barrister Paula Rhone-Adrien on divorce during lockdown and more - Tuesday 9 June at 8.30pm - www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_live_events/3932382-Webchat-with-family-law-barrister-Paula-Rhone-Adrien-on-divorce-during-lockdown-and-more-Tuesday-9-June-at-8-30pm

"It's amazing how often so-called 'sensitive' people are only sensitive to their own needs, not those of others."

So true.

I'm not really sure this is the thread to be banging on about Covid regulations and semamtics over argument v splitting up. It's going to take a lot longer for him to view flats, get/take furniture etc. than it will to take a bag to his mum's. There is not a single furnished place available in my area.

I'm so sorry, OP. I would agree that the emotional affair is the trigger for this.

*semantics

Hi all. So he picked up the eldest from school then announced he was ‘off to work’ and left with a bag. He’s gone to his parents - I believe this is allowed under guidelines as long as it’s for days rather than just a visit.

I’m now not sure about my mum visiting - everything is so confused about what is allowed and what isn’t.

He’s acting like he has no idea why I’m upset - kept trying to talk normally to me today and got all offended when I offered minimal/distant responses.

I’ve put a load of laundry on and got a very petty satisfaction in deliberately leaving his in the basket.

In terms of custody he’s a fantastic father and it would really devastate him not to have equal access. And the girls both adore him, especially the eldest. Finances are going to be an utter minefield. We’re both part time so not a lot spare. He definitely can’t afford a flat atm and I can’t do the mortgage on my own.

I own 75% of the house so it’s possible in the future I could buy him out of his share.

I’m still incredibly upset but now moving into the anger phase I think. How fucking dare he? I genuinely think he believes he can just have this new life with no inconveniences at all. He’s always been a dreamer type and I’m afraid he’s going to come back down to Earth with a thud. And I won’t be there to catch him this time. In terms of personality I’ve always been more practical/logical. It’ll probably help me now.

I’m going to look up a lot of the links that have been posted so thanks so much for those.

So pleased you own 75% of the house

Gather your finances together and make him believe you are absolutely fine without him.

He can ride his fantasy on his own

I am so sorry that this has happened to you , and so quickly, but you are being very strong.

I could have written this for you. The drama and betrayal nearly destroyed my mental health for over a year. I’m six months separated and will be divorced by the end of July. It was a rough few months but you’re likely to see quite quickly how much happier you will be. There are plenty of guys out there who aren’t weak, pathetic narcissistic liars. Do not entertain this nonsense.

In what way do you own 75% of the house? Assets are normally considered joint when it comes to divorce! If I were you would seek legal advice without delay.

On divorce it doesn't matter who owns what eg your 75% of the house or even if you or he own 100% of the house as the divorce finances in England are based on factors other than in whose name things are. The starting point is 50% and as you both work part time you might well have the children equally between you and probably neither can afford to buy the other out of the house so do speak to a solicitor.

I was about to say the same about the ownership of the house. In divorce, absolutely everything is put into one big pot, then both parties are awarded their 'share'. The only thing that matters (and rightly so) is that the children maintain their status quo, in so far as is reasonably possible (which it often isn't, as there isn't enough money to go round - but in that case, it's the nearest approximation).

Those who are advising the OP to "go for 5:59 custody" (note, btw, that 'custody' doesn't exist in this country: it's an American concept) need to bear in mind that if this happened, it would affect her settlement (even if she could bear the thought of not being with her children for 50% of the time, which I certainly couldn't have done). If parenting were equally shared, the assets would be shared 50:50 too.

^ 5:59 should read 50:50. Bloody phone.

He's acting normal because he checked out of the marriage a while ago...whereas you're just coming to terms with it.

Don't worry too much about the future ATM (although it 100% WILL be better for you, I promise you.)

Definitely read Chumplady - she explains a lot that makes sense when your head is mashed. She has a book 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' which explains it all perfectly.

I've been through this, it hurts like nothing else - as another poster mentioned, it's physical as well as emotion pain. I think I lost 2 stone because I physically couldn't eat.

Good that you're getting angry, that gives you the energy to do what you need to. People who do this are weak, emotionally stunted individuals and one day, you'll look back and see how much better off you are without them, I promise.

Oh OP I am so sorry. It's shit and it hurts like fuck, but I promise you it does fade and it will get better.

In terms of why he's apparently struggling to understand why you are still so upset, read up on the leaver and the left.

He's been working up to this for months - and emotionally he checked out a while ago. So once the initial shock of delivering the news wears off, he's onto his 'new normal'.

Whereas you have been completely blindsided by this and feel like it's hit you over the head. You're shocked and struggling to make sense of it all. It's worth reminding him that if he is as truly caring and sensitive as he believes, then he should bear this in mind and not expect you to be in the same place as him.

Is it too soon to apply for benefits and single person discount for the council tax?.

Fuck him. He can stay with mummy in la la “I’m a special soldier” land.