My marriage is over

[Wineandpyjamas]

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

What an absolute arse!!! He’s shocked you’re upset because if he acknowledged it then he’d have to acknowledge that he’s shat all over you and his family from a great height and he can’t do that now can he... as then he’d be totally to blame.
You’ve had AMAZING advice on here OP! Take the high road, live life showing it can be done without him easily xx

@Fluffycloudland77

Is it too soon to apply for benefits and single person discount for the council tax?.

Fuck him. He can stay with mummy in la la “I’m a special soldier” land.

No. You can apply even when still living together. I didn't know this until a couple.of months in as ex and I had to live together for a while. I was really surprised they were willing to take my word for it that we had separated. I got UC, I didn't apply for the council tax reduction until he had left as that is based on adults in the house

OP, having gone through what you are now going through, please be aware that your emotions will be all over the place over the next few days - you'll feel sad, angry, confused, free (yes, I know, but I did), scared, hurt, then the same on repeat. But this is normal, just accept it all and see that it is normal.

So go on a benefits checker and see what you're entitled to - and get some free legal advice asap.

And take care. As far as your mum is concerned - of course she should visit you. It goes under the 'helping a vulnerable person' bit of the guidance. But even if it didn't, I would say you should have your mum with you.

You'll be fine. Don't whatever you do, agree to anything with him. My ex thought we should do it all amicably, and came up with his 'fair' offers - my solicitor laughed at his offers. I got a much better deal than I ever imagined.

So, this week - mum, friends. Eat, sleep, cry. Talk to us. Get the ball rolling with regards to what you're entitled to. Get some legal advice. Small steps.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend.
I wish you well
Sx

OP, so sorry, but you sound like a woman who will survive and thrive.

@WornDownTired
Well played, but sounds to me like you have moved on in your head, because you know you can do better.👍

He’s acting like he has no idea why I’m upset

Because he is deluded. He thinks that you should be OK with it all, it won't affect the DC, everything will be OK, its what you want too, you just haven't realised it yet and its all for the best. He wants it to be as easy as possible so it is as little inconvenience to him as possible. After all, it is all about him and his needs.

OP I could have written your post 8 years ago.
All I can say is it is better to be single than married when you are lonely and unloved.
It does get better, you will get through it but it is very very hard. I hope you are ok.

Treat yourself as you would your best friend

Fantastic advice.

So much sympathy OP. I could have almost written it word for word, right down to the 'sensitive soul' character (and nodded in agreement to the comment about how supposedly sensitive types are very insensitive to the feelings of others).

The only thing that is different is there's no evidence at the moment of an emotional affair / physical affair. But it's possible, I acknowledge that, though with lockdown it would have been very difficult to sustain.

No advice as I'm where you are so I don't know how this plays out either.

@Wineandpyjamas
How are you doing?

Just wanted to say it's so raw and painful now OP. Time helps ease it. Get angry and do what's best for you and your daughters. Life will get better.