My marriage is over

[Wineandpyjamas]

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

What an awful situation. What do you want to happen? Walking on eggshells is awful, I'd want him out.

It doesn't really matter whether the emotional affair is also sexual. It's also possible that the OW doesn't think of herself as the OW - in her head, it may be a workplace flirtation and she'll be horrified that your DH wants to cling to her now. Again, doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that he has moved on from the marriage, mentally and emotionally, It's hard, it's horrible and he is a shit but, for your own protection, you need to do the same. Your marriage is over. Ring a lawyer

Sadly I suspect most people are right and that your husband is having an affair. He will be minimising but eventually you will piece it together.
You're right, OW or not, he doesn't want to be with you. So ask him to move out to respect your feelings and to make arrangements for financial support and childcare.
I know this is gut wrenching. Don't lose your head and use all your resources to get you through. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the replies - I’ve read them all and there’s some really good advice.

With regards to the OW, he showed me his phone this morning and all texts to her are those of close friends but haven’t crossed a ‘line’. Same with her replies to him. Of course he may well have deleted any incriminatory messages but I don’t think he has. If it were anyone else I would 100% suspect a full blown affair but honestly I don’t think that’s the case. I can see that he has emotionally gone towards her though and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they got together.

It’s so shit. He’s apparently arranged to stay away for a few nights, I don’t know where and I didn’t ask. Obviously he slept downstairs last night but his behaviour is so weird. He’s almost acting like normal, like he has no clue he’s just shattered our life together.

I’ve been on the phone to my mum. She was shocked and upset but is probably going to come visit sometime this week.

I’m not going to do the pick me dance (thanks so much for that term, describes it perfectly!) I’ve been thinking all this morning if things could ever go back to how they were and you are all right - they can’t. I can’t ever trust him again, I don’t want to be with someone who’s just ‘pretending’ for the sake of the kids.

I know I deserve better than this but bloody hell it’s so hard. I’m still crying this morning and feel like my eyes have literally swollen.

For the PP who said they believed that he really was ringing his mum and that he’s a mummy’s boy, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I think (and others who I’ve spoken to who know both of us) that he has unrealistic expectations of what a long term relationship is.

He could move to his mums. I know that doesn’t help with the kids but if you actually seperate then they will have to get used to split houses. You come up with him a way to shield the kids at the moment by saying he’s going there because x. I think it would be very difficult to have a true separation in the same house because you’ll inevitably make his dinner, wash his clothes etc. If it’s a trial separation he needs to know everything he’s missing.

@LouiseTrees How do you suggest he moves to his mum's during lockdown? It's not allowed. No one is allowed to stay anywhere overnight other than their family home where they are now.

His option is to find a rental, flat or house, and move in.

Just seen your update. Especially the last line. It’s important he doesn’t get away with zero childcare. He can leave you but not his responsibilities. Make sure you say to him if you are away for x days you need to have the kids x amount of time. So he understands he can’t just walk away from everything.

You sound very strong OP. I think you're going to be fine. He sounds weak and undeserving of you. Nevermind him going for a 'few days'. He needs to go properly.
This happened to a friend of mine just before lockdown. She was utterly broken. Saw her last week and she was like a new woman again. So much better. It's hard but you will come through the other side. Think about finances and do what you can to protect yourself.
Sorry you're going through this.

@MrsNoah2020 we knew a man cheating on his dw who told ow he was going to leave his dw fo her. She ran a mile so he stayed with the wife until he found another victim to move in with.

@Wineandpyjamas I get how upset you are, but in all honesty, Id slow this down a bit.

I'm in my 60s and have seen countless marriages go through bumpy patches like this. I'm not for a minute diminishing what you are feeling, but both your DH and you need to take a deep breath and consider your children. Especially him.

You need to do some serious talking.

Ideally, you need counselling as a couple to discover what happened in his head to make him find another woman to get close to.
Maybe there have been underlying issues in your marriage for years.

I know this may go against the grain of MN where it's often LTB or one strike and you are out, BUT when there are children involved it's THEIR lives too. He and you owe it to them to talk this over and not just separate at the drop of a hat.

I know this is not your fault and you are reeling with shock and anger, but really, don't throw away 14 good years and family life for what may be no more than a silly flash in the pan flirtation. (And those words are for him too.)

If he moves out he has to be on his own somewhere- we are in lockdown- and your mum is not really allowed to come into your house. I know that sounds awful, but it is how it is.

You both need to talk about how your marriage got to where it is.
All marriages go through the non-romantic stages, often, but where there are children you both owe it to them to dig in deep and try to resolve things. I think you need to talk to him about them, and what impact it will have. He clearly thinks the grass will be greener which it rarely is.

He needs to leave sooner rather than later. Can you ask him to go today?
Do follow all of the legal and financial advice you’ve been given here. You are going to need it.

So he has utterly unrealistic expectations, then yes find a recommended marriage therapist.

Let him tell you there what is "lacking" in this marriage, why he is having and emotional affair with his colleague (because it is - read the book "not just friends").

The positive thing about marriage therapy is that you will know that you have done everything possible without having done the pick me dance. If nothing else you can discuss child contact arrangements and finances.

Presumably he Mum isn't going to tell him to grow up???

It’s so shit. He’s apparently arranged to stay away for a few nights, I don’t know where and I didn’t ask. Obviously he slept downstairs last night but his behaviour is so weird. He’s almost acting like normal, like he has no clue he’s just shattered our life together.

Of course he is acting normal, he has just removed his guilt and placed it on your shoulders. He has checked out long before he ever mentioned his "feelings"

Tell him to leave or better still leave him at home with the children and go and have sometime away from him.

OP, I'm so sorry. There is lots of good advice here. Divorce is horrendous, but you do come out on the other side. It takes time, but it is ok in the end.

I'm always a bit surprised, though, by people advising mothers to ensure that their children's father has them 50/50. The one thing that stopped me leaving XH when my children were small was the fact that I wanted them with me 100% of the time.

The down side to that, of course, is that I had to put up with XH for longer.

There are no easy answers to any of this.

Ahhhhhh, poor him. About a year ago he had his head turned/ ego massaged outside of the daily humdrum of marriage and DC and for the past year it has been sooooo hard for him. On one hand he wants to "try out" freedom and realise his potential as gods gift to womankind, but on the other hand he also knows he will be judged very harshly and has the potential to end up alone without the woman he will come to realise he did love, his DC and everyone else thinking's he is a selfish bastard. I feel so sorry for him He may not have slept with his emotional affair (he will have massively minimised this relationship) but he soon will, in the space he is creating and tell himself he hasn't done anything wrong. He has though, he has been doing the groundwork at the very least.

This happened to me last year and yes, it does follow a script.

I worked out that in this situation the man is energised by the power balance he thinks he has in his favour. My gentle, kind DH became a monster during this time. He thinks he holds all the cards. You need to take some control back, which takes a lot of balls and strength.

After a few days of shock I picked myself up and demonstrated to my DH that I will be OK and get on better without him. I took care of myself, started a diet, cleared out things all for "my new life". He asked me what I was doing on the internet as I'd upped my time on it and I told him I was looking at dating websites as I was going to make up for lost time as soon as he left. I told him I was googling houses and decor now that I could do what I wanted and I was looking forward to making a place my own. I kept my mouth firmly shut when he wanted to talk about money, custody and splitting finances and acted naive. My DH has a very good job and meanwhile I had collected copies of all his finances, bonuses, shares and kept a record of all the times he had come home 11pm, stayed out overnight and worked away on business (50% of the time).

When he saw that I was getting on with it without him and cheery he started to come around. I gave him an ultimatum one day and I had 2 suitcases waiting in the hall for him to pack. I told him, there are your cases, you are either going or staying and making it work.

He is still here, but I am not sure if I want him here TBH. I loved my DH to the moon and back and I've made so many sacrifices for him. I've always been a very selfless person but now I won't be. He can stay, whilst it suits ME. My DC love him and need him. I am making improvements to my career, going form p/t to 4 days a week, getting fit and healthy and making a list of things I want to do, with or without him. He can go or he can stay. Whilst he decides I will save every penny I can and improve my own life so the landing is softer.

He has detached from you emotionally and is talking to someone else. This happened to me. I couldn’t live with my ex after finding this out, when I asked him to leave he moved in with the other person, they are now married. It lifted a weight from me even though I was upset as it meant our dreams and plans had gone. I have never regretted that decision it was right for me and the children.

@MrsNoah2020 we knew a man cheating on his dw who told ow he was going to leave his dw fo her. She ran a mile so he stayed with the wife until he found another victim to move in with

Yup. A lot of women like the ego trip of being the shoulder to cry on at work, or being the 'office wife', but that doesn't mean they necessarily want to take the place of the home wife. The office wife has the fun bits of the relationship (emotional closeness, shared jokes etc) without any of the grind of domestic life.

Not saying this to defend the OP's DH though - just to say that it doesn't really matter how committed the OW is to the affair, or whether it's sexual - what matters is that the DH is no longer emotionally committed to the marriage.

@WornDownTired - you sound awesome!

OP, what you have to realise is that right now he is way ahead of you in terms of this. He has been planning this for some time, and he is now relieved it's in the open, and he's had months of justifying it to himself, and kidding himself that it's the right thing to do. So he will minimise any hurt you show, because that suits his agenda.

You, however, have been dealt a body blow (I remember well feeling I'd been punched in the guts for weeks after this happened to me - the pain was physical). You need to process this. I wouldn't ask him where he's going, just let him go, and use that time to gather your thoughts, and get legal advice. Get paperwork together.

Don't be surprised if, in the months ahead, you find out that he's with the 'friend' from work. But for now, that doesn't matter. This week is about you looking after yourself, trying to detach from him emotionally, and then looking at the practical steps.

You'll be fine, you really will. I found that the year leading up to my ex telling me he no longer loved me, whilst we lived together and I jumped through hoops trying to be what I thought he wanted, far harder than the year after I threw him out. He swore there was no one else. 3 months after I threw him out, it transpired that he'd moved in with a 'lady' from work - they'd been having an affair for two years. I'm not saying this is the same for your H, but I'd be amazed if there is no one else, even if it is still at the friendship stage.

Good luck

I’m so sorry for your hurt, OP.

But you’re gonna be okay.

Don’t put energy into “snooping”. It won’t change anything.

The actions you can take now, which will have a positive impact on your future, is preparing for divorce and doing it as soon as possible. Paperwork, financial records, etc. Don’t fool yourself by trying to guess how your DH will behave after you’re separated. Somehwre on the separation boards, someone will have the “ducks in a row” list!

From the beginning of your first post I thought he sounded like a teenager. The blithe lack of care for you here, from someone supposedly “sensitive”. He sounds very immature and self-centred. He has a wife and small children ! Small children change every relationship , where is that quote from “ like running a small nursery with someone you used to date” ?
Living through those years together brings you closer again. No marriage has the intense falling in love feeling forever, but can have something far deeper . He is too emotionally immature to see this, and just wants the glamour and glitter of the new.
I am so sorry OP. You sound so much kinder and more adult than him, you deserve far better than this.

why are so many people here saying this man should move out and go to his mum's?
We have a lockdown going on.
He can't go anywhere.

I'm not sure where people are getting their 'information' from, but yes, he absolutely can. This is specifically set out in the government guidelines, precisely for situations like this.

I echo PPs' comments about the 'pick me' dance. He doesn't get to view his wife of 12 years as an 'option'. He needs to know he's being required to leave, and that it's over.

So sorry, OP. There is never a good time for this kind of hurtful situation to happen, but life is tough enough already and he couldn't have chosen worse. That would be enough for me to end it completely in your shoes.

P.S. I’m divorced and so is my OH. There’s defo love and happiness to be found after divorce

Exactly what SophieB100 has said. Start preparing your battle, you will need it and to be strong when you realise he’s paving the way for another life. I am sorry Op.

My marriage ended exactly the same way. Previous chats, tears, sensitive man... mine also did the 'I think I'm having a breakdown' line. Only difference, he'd previously confessed to an 'attraction' to another woman he thought he was in love with. He also thought she loved him. When it turned out that they'd never so much as had a coffee together, he backed down, wanted to stay with me - but he couldn't do it and went off to 'have new experiences.'

I adored him. I'm still feeling the repercussions nearly ten years on. You will be fine, OP, you really will. Just give it lots of time.