My marriage is over

[Wineandpyjamas]

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

Does he honestly expect you both to live in the same house after dropping a bombshell like that?
Are you supposed to feel sorry for him and the emotional trauma he’s going through?
Ugh. Horrible, horrible man.
The sooner he leaves, the better. That way you and your girls can start living your new normal lives without tiptoeing on those eggshells.

Op. Sorry to second what everyone else I'd saying. It happened to me too. In fact it's how I stumbled across mumsnet.

The thing I couldn't reconcile is that the person standing in front of me who I had always loved and trusted, and been my friend was now being called a liar by lots of (very well meaning and wise as it turned out) strangers on the internet.

He swore blind there was no one else but of course there was. It's so rare that men (people- but in my experience men more so) leave - be it physically or emotionally without their heads being turned elsewhere. It's too much hassle otherwise for many. There is almost always a compelling force pulling them away in my experience and those of friends and countless others on here.

I think this will turn out to be more than an emotional affair too sorry. But he will carry on denying as how bad does he look otherwise?

It's so incredibly hard to come to terms with. I remember @anyfucker saying to me at the time 'you need to stop seeing this man as your husband and now purely as the father of your DC' . And she was right.

Please surround yourself with good friends if you can and keep posting on here. As some have said- does it matter whether there is someone else or not? He has said what he has said and the end result is the same..true but for me I had to know - otherwise the playing field is not level and you need to know what you are dealing with.

I'm really sorry OP. My DC were also very young, but you will get through this. It's hard but you'll be ok.

You can separate now, and as upsetting as it is, I would get him to leave asap. See how things go. If it turns out he has someone else you will soon find out about it. Then at least you will know what you're dealing with.

Do some digging, get him to admit to the emotional affair via email or text, then tell him

I don't believe you have been honest, the fact that you can only repeat a few glib lines about falling out of love and care and respect indicate that this is not the truth. You have admitted to an emotional affair and have crossed a line. Due to this you have made the last few moths miserable for me,. I have been treading on eggshells while you have been at best romantically engaging with your mistress. I want a divorce, you need to move out. Please confirm when you will be able to leave and your starting position on arrangements for the children so we can discuss and come to an agreement.

Be cold. You need to start detatching to protect yourself.

Really sorry about what’s happened op. It sounds awful and you must be shattered. But I don’t agree with all the responses on here. Of course he may well be having a physical affair but it’s not a dead cert, especially if you say he’s a bad liar. I don’t feel in love with my husband and I think about leaving. He’s a good man but I just don’t feel in love and I hoped for more. I agonise about it... and there’s no one else, nobody. Does that make me a horrible person? I hope not, I can’t help how I feel and nothing is black and white. As someone said above, stay on good terms for the sake of the kids. It would probably be a good thing if he moved out straight away though to give you breathing room. You can’t make clear decisions when you’re walking on eggshells and your children will be affected. Wishing you all the best.

He’s not the man you thought he was.

He’s been deeply romantically engaged with someone else for months and he’s strung you along.

He’s being entirely self-serving.

He doesn’t want to protect your family unit, he doesn’t care about working to save things.

Detach. Go cold on him, get angry. Agree with PPs - tell him it’s over and he had to move out. And he has to take the kids for x amount of time.

Be strong. It’s time to draw on all your resources - within your own strength and in your family relationships and friendships.

Thisback is right and you should speak to a solicitor to understand the legal position. My husband lived here until decree absolute, court sealed financial consent order and property and money transfers as that is the law in England (unless one of you choose to go earlier).

By the way people can move in the pandemic - the regulations have always allowed it and the newest version makes it even clearer that even buying and selling houses is allowed. The children can also move between homes so unless you are happy he moves out and has the children half the week etc do remember that separating does not mean the children will be with you 365 days a year and there will be financial implications for everyone.

Spend some time now paying for 1 hour of advice from a solicitor; make sure you have copies of his and your P60s, all pay slips, marriage cert, know where everyone's passports are, have details of yours and his pensions if you have them and savings and debts and know exactly what is outstanding on the mortgage or what your rent is and whose name everything is in.

As someone say earlier. 'That's fine Darling. Can you move out this week so we can all move on and be amicable EOW is fine'.

Seeing someone else and was waiting to see how it panned out before telling you

Find someone better.

I’d assume the girl at works the ow too. The man you marry is completely different to the one you divorce, he’s not on your side anymore.

Do not do the pick me dance, dh works with men who’s wives took them back only to be unceremoniously dumped when they decided actually they were bored of that relationship anyway and moved out.

Take control now. Get paperwork out of the house, hire a storage unit if you have no one you trust, research lawyers and ask him to leave when you’ve got the documents you need.

I have no advice as all pp have already said it. I just wanted you to know that you have good people on here who know what you are going through and will support you. I hope you are able to recognise what you are worth and it's certainly not treading on eggshells.

He has betrayed you. He has lied to you and he is emotionally manipulating you. He is not the man you thought he was and you are worth so much more

In the case of my friend S, mother even covered for the husband. He left her and went with the new lady at work. He's lived with her for 6 months. Now he's moved back and ended it. Really? More like my friend is ill and he feels guilty and new woman isn't so exciting. She's a fool, she took him back. OW been messaging him saying 'I love you, leave your W and DC for me' -he shows he these. Blame is now firmly on OW and not H. Poor H he had no choice when she wanted him and doesn't mind destroying a family. I give it 12 months at the most. He gets an ego stroke -both of them want him. My friend S no longer moans about his long bike rides and his need for space -he's won. Not her.

I agree with @THisbackwithavengeance Dealing with acceptance and kindness (to you and him) will be a far easier and quicker process than animosity.

When this happened to me it was the worse thing that ever happened to me, but also the best.

I was you nearly 6 months ago (virtually to the letter, although I didn't have any pre-warning). Also an emotional affair with someone from work (turns out they kissed too). He went out after telling me and was straight on the phone to her. Much of the script followed, but we have managed to stay on good terms for the sake of the kids.
It's brutal and I am really sorry you are going through this too.
I have just started the divorce process. There are good days and not so good days (I have a thread at the minute having a bit of freak out about things...)
Just allow yourself to feel every emotion. I would ask him to leave so you have space to process things (difficult with kids, I know).
Surround yourself with virtual friends and family.
And don't be ashamed. Hold your head high. It is his shame and you deserve so much better than a man who does this.

Two of my male cousins split up with their wives a few year's ago.
There were no other women, so it does happen, I'm not sure why everyone is so convinced.
However, since he's mentioned another woman in this case, doesn't seem like it applies here.

He has told you he is cheating and has feelings for someone else - although has minimised it in his vocabulary choices.
Ask him to leave immediately for his 'trial separation' and make sure he has his children 3x a week and every other weekend (and not at your house) does their washing, helps with homework etc while they are there.
He will be seeing this woman within 24 hours! I would bet money on that.

Look after you and your daughters.

Sadly, I agree he is having an affair and wants out. Whatever you do, don't do the pick me dance. Even if he were to pick you, your marriage would still be broken.

He is no longer your friend. You cannot trust him. Focus on practicalities and ensure that you get the best settlement you can. The decisions you make now will determine your quality of life for years to come.

Find and copy all financial information. Everything. Including pensions, which are worth way more than you think. You are entitled to way more than 50% of all assets, particularly if your career and earning power have been affected by having children.

Think about what kind of arrangements you want regarding your children, especially childcare. Think practically, not just emotionally.

Read Divorce for Dummies or similar. Check out Wikivorce. Then go and see a competent family solicitor. Be totally clinical and organised in handling your divorce. No need to try to be fair if it means you and your children losing out. Your future self will thank you.

@deydododatdodontdeydo

Two of my male cousins split up with their wives a few year's ago. There were no other women, so it does happen, I'm not sure why everyone is so convinced. However, since he's mentioned another woman in this case, doesn't seem like it applies here.

Did they admit to an ongoing emotional affair?

why are so many people here saying this man should move out and go to his mum's?

We have a lockdown going on.

He can't go anywhere.

He also can't or shouldn't be seeing anyone else. at the moment.

OP you could suggest counselling for him, or both of you.

I'd not be hasty.

This is likely to be a fling.
It will die a death like most flings do.

Be prepared for him to come back in a few months.

Question is, are you willing to try again if that happens?

It does sound as though he's having an affair.

Ask him to leave and inform him he'll be having the children 50/50

And detach, detach detach.

As a PP said, he isn't your friend

We are all having a touch time at the moment with the present situation and this will increase people's anxieties and make them rethink their lives. Lots of us (men and woman) go through panics.

Tell him you love him since you still so and hope you can work it out. Sometime understanding can be all that is needed and it doesn't mean weakness. Some on here would lynch any man that says he is confused and suggest taking him to the cleaners. It's your life, son't throw anything away until you think there is no hope/moving forward.

Take some time to sit down and work out given the current situation what to do next.

Best wishes

There are a lot of men who end up what I call ‘serial monogamists’, mistaking the feeling of settling into a long term relationship for the loss of romantic love - moving on when that madly in love feeling wears off and they feel the need to experience it afresh .... Very immature.

Sadly true, OP. Don’t let him mess you around for years. Good luck to you and DC. xx

@JinglingHellsBells you are allowed to move residence.

I’m so angry on your behalf OP. Even if he’s not having an affair how dare he thinks he can keep you on egg shells and be all woe is me and we will have a trial separation without consulting you.

Did they admit to an ongoing emotional affair?

No - one finally got fed up with her controling nature (she had been like that from the beginning, but he couldn't see it), the other just said they had got to the point where they were arguing all the time.
Affairs aren't the only reason people split up.

I asked him if there was anyone else. He said there isn’t but I think I’ll try and check his phone if I can.

So he says there's no one else and you believe him and then he says
he did admit he’s been essentially ‘emotionally cheating’ with a girl from work but he’s not in love with her.

When I read your OP I thought he was having some kind of affair straightaway. It's the classic script. Then you updated.
This sounds like my ex. I don't believe my ex cheated with other women (but he did use prostitutes...). However he did start up "friendships" with other women, writing to them on Whatsapp etc. Once he thought he was "getting somewhere" he would start behaving the way your 'D'H is doing, saying pretty much the same thing and eventually admitting there was another woman he was interested in and wanting to split.
We'd split and then nothing would come of the relationship and then he'd be back begging.
It happened three times - I took him back twice - more fool! There were also alcohol issues involved and he would get very aggressive.

It's sometimes hard to break out of these things but once they start messing about with emotional affairs and coming out with the I don't know if I have romantic love for you anymore, oh woe is me etcetc, I'm so confused, you really do need to be the strong one and get rid of them otherwise you have years of torment.

Basically, what he is doing is hedging his bets. He's maybe not sure if things will work out with OW (she might not even be interested in him, might be just a flirtation at work) so he leaves the door open to you while "looking around" to see if there's anything better. When there isn't he'll be back - I love you so much etc. Until the next time.

The only thing to do is pull the rug out from under him. You don't want a trial separation, you want a proper separation. The marriage is over. He should make plans to move out by x date (Corona or no Corona). Corona and lockdown has not stopped people being able to move out in circumstances like this.