My marriage is over

[Wineandpyjamas]

Been going on for awhile. Almost a year, I’d say. He dropped a bombshell back then that he thought his ‘feelings had changed’ but didn’t articulate any more than that. He’s always been highly emotional and super sensitive (initially traits that attracted me to him in the first place).

Had a massive talk, lots of tears and thought things were getting better. But I’ve been walking on eggshells for months as he’s been so unpredictable in his emotions.

Tonight he announces that he ‘no longer has romantic love’ for me. Or he thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t know. He’s so confused. Oh woe is me etc etc.

I’m fucking devastated. I’m still so in love with him, we have two small kids, have been together 12 years.

I can’t fix this. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t make him love me. I know I’ll be ok but it fucking hurts! I never thought this would be us. I hate him for what he’s doing, I think he’s making a massive mistake but I have to take him at his word.

Now talking about a trial separation but how do we do that with the whole Covid situation? How do we live in the same house and pretend like nothing’s happening for the girls’ sake?

I’ve been in floods of tears all evening, shaking... the lot. All he can repeat like a stuck record is ‘I still respect and care for you’. He’s gone out to ring his mum and I’m just sat here in shock.

Don’t know why I’m posting this - I guess because I don’t have too many friends IRL that I can turn to and my family are too far away to help. What can I do?

@WornDownTired
Well done you!
Your name is so wrong! It should be Upbeat,Strong,Feisty! Or something like that.

OP - don't be his Plan B.
My ex thought he'd have a taste of freedom and if Plan A, (his OW) didn't work out, he'd move back in.
Hah! Sod that for a game of soldiers!
You are worth so much more than him - you and your girls will be fine. It won't be easy, but you'll get through this - lean on us and your mum and friends.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful. Things will get better but I know it doesn’t feel like that now. You need him to leave before that happens. Be strong.

First thing I’d do is tell him that he’s having the kids 50% of the time.
If he wants to leave to pursue an affair/live a single life, tell
Him you think you need some space too.. so wherever he’s loving needs to have a set up where he looks after the kids 3/4 days a week.
I’d call his bluff quite frankly

Obviously he slept downstairs last night but his behaviour is so weird. He’s almost acting like normal, like he has no clue he’s just shattered our life together.

Yes, because telling you will have been a huge emotional release, and a step forward. Of course, for you it was a huge, terrible surprise and you're stuck in place, trying to come to terms with the news.
But you won't always be in that place.

One thing that helped me move on, when everyone was braying for blood and for me to take him to the cleaners, was realising that I loved him. I loved him so much. And I wanted him to be happy, so I had to let him go.
That was the best thing for me, because it freed me up from thinking about where he was, who he was talking to, what he was thinking... the relentless thinking and over thinking. And it gave me space to focus on me and my life and my future.

OP - don't be his Plan B

This.

Fuck that.

Bless you OP, what a rubbish situation!

I’m so glad you took other posters comments on board and are not planning to go into a ‘pick me’ situation. If it was me I would be saying there is no ‘trial’ separation. We are either separating or we’re not, and as you say the trust is now gone. Do not let him play you around while he makes his decision.

It’s shit now, but you will eventually feel better. xxx

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce after 20 years it was a very difficult conversation and i was very aware it was much worse for him than for me as I wanted it. He carried on as normal which I suppose is a way to cling to your security and routine

Wow @WornDownTired
You sound so focused and strong. I'm sorry this has happened in your life but applaud your thinking and actions. 👏🏻

There was some brilliant advice on another thread re a man who is planning his escape. I'll see if I can paraphrase

• Agree, bright and breezy. Say you need space too and divvy up spending money, childcare, and housework so it's fair for you both
• everything is about what YOU need. And you need to see your friends, get out, do things without him (yes I know it's lockdown but even if it's just locking yourself in the spare room with a bottle of wine and having a raucous zoom call with friends). Or your non negotiable hour of yoga.
• Add comments like 'well I'm going to be on the market soon so better get spruced up!' as you get some new clothing delivered, try sone makeup looks etc out.
• Make plans! A holiday without him, with the kids and also with friends. You can phone people to ask what they think about going to x place can't you?
• Do fun things with the children without him. Don't invite him or give him notice just do it.

Force yourself out of the house. Go to the park with a book. Go for a run. Anything to get yourself away for an hour or two. Plan your life and live your life now as if you are a single woman with 50/50 custody.

Amazing how that can change their perception of you, and of the situation. It's easy to be the boring mumsy one not making an effort or having anything exciting to talk about and not wanting to have sex.. and then they meet the girl at work who 'understands' them, isn't a sure bet, and is like you used to be.

I'm no 1950s housewife but if having small children has turned you into someone else remember a) they are his kids too and he can share the load and b) if you are totally different now it's not completely unreasonable that he is struggling with that.

Even if that's not the case - and I'm not assuming it is - you 'getting a life' and getting on with it happily will be a massive wake up call. Be friendly but not his friend. Happy but not with him. Busy and he gets to stay at home. It will feel alien but if anything's going to work this will and if it doesn't you'll be ok by the time you find that out!

I am so sorry, *@Wineandpyjamas.

I knew someone and I would have put my life on them never cheating but they did. From now on the team is you and your girls. He is an enemy. No more thinking for him or looking after him. It is up to him to contact you to see the children and all you need to do is get the finances nailed down. Apparently men are more generous initially through guilt so take full advantage of that.

You can't control what he does. Only what you do. Make your line in the sand now with everything other wise in six months time you'll be doing it all on nothing while he runs around being Billy Freeballs with Jenny Newboobs from work.

Someone very wise on Mumsnet once said something like:
"It's amazing how often so-called 'sensitive' people are only sensitive to their own needs, not those of others."

It's so true and has helped me with several situations (MEN and work) with supposedly sensitive types.

Is that your H?

Ask him to move out. If he can go to his parents then both of you can run with "Daddy's going to look after Granny and Grandad for a while" until you both decide where this is headed. Think about your finances and tell him how it's going to work. It might sound mercenary, but he's on the wrong foot so use that to ensure you start off how you mean to go on.

Like a PP suggested, the DC can go and 'help him look after G&G' one night a week and EOW, or whatever works for you. Set the pattern so that if/when you decide you're separating permanently, the habits and expectations are already set.

Ask him to go to counselling with you. It can help you part amicably or work through how to stay together.

Yeah such a sensitive guy - so sensitive when he was betraying you and lying to you, stringing you along - so fucking sensitive.

Get him out OP.

I’ve been through this with a man who I totally adored. Together 20 years, married for 10. He didn’t have an affair as far as I can tell but the pain was still horrendous and still is 5 years later.

He told me out of the blue that he wasn’t enjoying life with me anymore, I had changed since our child was born (who doesn’t?) and that it was a life that he didn’t enjoy and didn’t want to be part of anymore.

He actually said he enjoyed time with our child more when I wasn’t there and that the three of us was a dynamic that didn’t work and that stressed him out.

He also said that he no longer found me sexually attractive And that the romantic side of us had died and that he just saw me as a friend who was a nice person but didn’t offer him what he needed now.

It was a devastating blow for me. Basically a complete character assassination and my self esteem sank to the floor. It’s still low now.

He moved out and got his own place, pays me maintainable each month and does his fare share. I actually think he is happier now and his relationship with our child is now much better. They seem to have fun together. He met someone around 2 years ago after spending 3 years alone and they seem happy. His partner is very nice so what can I do?

Part of me still loves him and I don’t think that will ever go. I was happy with my little family and simple life but he clearly wasn’t.

It has been a very hard journey for me and still upsets me from time to time. I have tried dating but that hasn’t worked out and to be honest some of the men on there have not helped me to recover my self esteem.

It’s a hard journey to follow and you are in the early stages. The affair or not is immaterial really. It’s the fact that he doesn’t want you anymore that hurts the most. I would have almost had an answer if it were an affair in my case.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Do pleas e link to the guidance saying the DH can move into his mum's house. I thought this was only for someone suffering from physical / emotional abuse in order to escape a very difficult situation. If it covers separating couples who want to move in with relatives, I apologise, but I would like to see the link.

@WitchWife

Someone very wise on Mumsnet once said something like: "It's amazing how often so-called 'sensitive' people are only sensitive to their own needs, not those of others."

It's so true and has helped me with several situations (MEN and work) with supposedly sensitive types.

Is that your H?

I said something very similar a while ago. Seems obvious to me.

OP if he is insistent that you separate he'd better get onto Right Move and find a place to rent.

One poster said it was fine for him to stay with his mum (or maybe the OW?)

I've just read the Covid lockdown guide and cannot see any mention at all of being able to move in with family, other than for domestic abuse.

In fact it's illegal to even invite someone into your house for a party, or more than 6 in your garden.

Just to make life harder for him now, maybe tell him the mum idea is not viable. (Unless of course I have misread the rules.)

Tell him he’s not moving out for a few days - he needs to move out for good. It’s over. He killed your marriage.

@JinglingHellsBells It’s a “reasonable excuse” to leave home - to stay with a friend (I’m assuming that includes family) following an argument at home. Says should be for days not hours. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-52312560

I think the key thing is to remember that you can no longer trust him about anything.

He has already kept an emotional affair from you. Be prepared for a drip-drip series of revelations, but don't bother to expend your emotional energy on ascertaining the extent of the cheating- he's already left you for her in his own head.

Sounds like he's planning to keep you dangling in hope of a reunion (the 'pick-me' dance has already been mentioned) while he tests the water with OW. He'll probably perform the scripted wailing and gnashing of teeth about how hard it all is for him in order to wring out emotional support for you. Don't play that game. You need to put yourself and your children first now- he doesn't have your back.

As others have said- he has to move out. He detaches, he loses the home comforts that come with having a family. You need to get tough- as they say, fake it til you make it. Get legal advice about how to divide marital assets (he will probably say that you don't need lawyers. This is so he can cheat you out of marital assets). Make it clear that, while you're devastated he's breaking up the family, you will not be putting your life on hold to accommodate his affair, and you won't hang around in the background waiting for him.

And above all- always remember that you can no longer trust him.

Chumplady.com Do not do the pick me dance

As others have said if he wants to separate then he can move out- where is up to him and not your problem. And make sure you get a contact agreement for the children nailed down, one that means he takes them for a set amount of time/overnight and feeds them etc. Don’t let him do the contact at your home.

If he wants a trial separation then he needs to actually have an idea of what it’s like. I’m gutted for you by the way that he’s announced this but you’re clearly a strong and resilient person so you’ll get through all this.

I don't think it's helpful to advise that the OP tells him to get out or that he can't do the childcare in the family house. I think it's best that she focuses her energies on what she can control.

OP how are you today?

None of this 50/50 split bollocks either if you are the one doing al the emotional, physical and financial hard work for your DC. I'd go for a 70/30 split or you keep house till DC are older. He's broken the contract which could stricken your boat, so go for the financial jugular. You will thank yourself later.

When I was going through this with my DH my brother told me that 3/4 of his and his DWs friends had split and with the exception of 1, the men were all miserable living in a flat. These were all well off blokes too, pilots, bankers etc. All of the ex wives had gone on to be happier without them.

@worndowntired

Awesome behaviour 👍