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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
LilyMarshall · 09/06/2020 01:18

Why discuss it for two hours. You just say, no. That doesnt work for me.

If he keeps asking and asking, well, thats not concern for her is it? it is obsession for him. He needs to see her.

timeisnotaline · 09/06/2020 01:23

This is very weird. He doesn’t get to choose what answer he will take. No means no.

Apple222 · 09/06/2020 01:38

Does your DH have low self-confidence? This is something mine would do because he would be so thrilled someone liked him (he feels unattractive and unworthy most of the time). Unfortunately, while most people with a healthy level of self-esteem would be able to maintain boundaries, someone with low self-confidence doesn’t necessarily do that. The thrill of being liked and feeling powerful means their defences go down and they get sucked in.

Trust your gut. Tell him what you are noticing. It may not have any effect but at least you will have told him and if he doesn’t pull himself back then you sure as hell spoke your truth. He may not like it but he needs to hear it.

ohfourfoxache · 09/06/2020 02:02

So if he wants you to invite her, you have said no and he thinks that means yes, then you have a very simple line to trot out: “I said no, I do not want to do this and I will not be extending an invite”

He sounds like an utter knob

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 09/06/2020 02:21

This is very disturbing. Your H is acting like a teenager. He obviously has a crush on this OW. Crushes are normal, but one has to be careful and create boundaries. A married person with a crush should create distance, not create opportunities to get closer. If you were this interested in a male friend, I'm sure he wouldn't approve. I know there are a few pp on here who are saying there isn't anything wrong with our DH having female friends. I agree, but we are also blessed with our instincts... if you're one who has been cheated on, you know that your instinct was most likely the first tell tale sign that something was wrong. If you've never been cheated on, well, this why you're not understanding what most of us are warning and you're lucky.

Just to see his reaction, I would suggest introducing her to a single male friend and play matchmaker, then she could have someone who isn't taken keep her company.

MumMumMummyMumMum · 09/06/2020 02:25

Just my opinion...She sounds like the type who enjoys flirting, she needs men to fancy her in order to validate herself.

Prob why she has no female friends, she gets no validation out of a relationship that isn't based on sexual attraction 🤷‍♀️

She's flirted with your DH to the point where he now fancies her, is she getting the validation she needs from that? Or is she the type who will get an extra ego boost out of properly cheating with your husband?

He, on the other hand, sounds like a bit of a tit tbf anyway, if he had an ounce of wit he wud see that she is a threat to his family and stay away from her.

You sound like a lovely, considerate, patient, tolerant, intelligent woman, who deserves better.

❤️

managedmis · 09/06/2020 03:09

Just tell him that she needs setting up with Hot Soccer Dad, that you met pre Covid19? Maybe he can come on the play date? Wouldn't that be lovely?

ilikefrys · 09/06/2020 04:20

Are you scared of him op? Why aren't you telling him to do one?

SailingAwayIntoSunrise · 09/06/2020 04:35

Oh wow, this isn't looking good OP.

Your dh has a crush on another person and wants you to facilitate spending time with them.

Please keep saying no, this isn't something you want to do, so don't.

Blossom513 · 09/06/2020 05:12

She sounds like the type who enjoys flirting, she needs men to fancy her in order to validate herself.
*
Prob why she has no female friends, she gets no validation out of a relationship that isn't based on sexual attraction 🤷‍♀️

She's flirted with your DH to the point where he now fancies her, is she getting the validation she needs from that? Or is she the type who will get an extra ego boost out of properly cheating with your husband?

He, on the other hand, sounds like a bit of a tit tbf anyway, if he had an ounce of wit he wud see that she is a threat to his family and stay away from her.*

Wow are you this misogynistic towards all women? Or just the single ones? A whole paragraph of hate towards her and he's just 'a bit of a tit' despite the fact he's the one who is actually married. The only threat to the OPs marriage is his behaviour.

Given the DH doesn't want to message the woman himself suggests she is not aware any of this is going on and he knows an invite would be seen as more acceptable from mum to mum. He probably thinks she would be more likely to say yes to his wife than to him, what does that tell you?

His behaviour is definitely odd and OP is wise to be cautious but this doesn't mean the single mother has any part of this. If he has a crush on her then it's very likely he's taken her comments out of context or twisted them to flatter himself.

But yeah let's blame the single motherAngry

Blossom513 · 09/06/2020 05:13

Sorry bold fail.

Chiochan · 09/06/2020 05:31

hmmm, this is an odd one.
My feeling is you dont have anything to worry about, certainly atm.
Men who are into another woman go to great pains to seperate out the OW from their family. The fact he wants you to invite her out with his family indicates to me that he is not trying to, excuse the phrase, get in her knickers.
It sounds like he actually likes this woman, maybe she is easy to talk to, and if he is generally reserved maybe he does not often meet people he feels relaxed with.
Invite her and DD out, she must be quite nice and you might make a new friend?

SuperSange · 09/06/2020 05:45

So just don't do it. He can't make you. Just be aware they he's prioritising her feelings over yours.

Natashabobasha1 · 09/06/2020 06:06

I would arrange to go out all together to see what exactly is going on between them. Be careful. You might see something you don't like. Be prepared to act on suspicions.

Blossom513 · 09/06/2020 06:10

Just be aware they he's prioritising her feelings over yours

Actually I think he's prioritising his own... we've no idea if the other mother even wants to meet up with him or his family.

wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 09/06/2020 06:15

This is awful op.

overnightangel · 09/06/2020 06:48

He sounds like a fucking moron

Pikachubaby · 09/06/2020 06:55

2 hours? Not taking no for an answer? It matters to him a lot! Why? .....Hmm

Unpeufatiguee · 09/06/2020 07:05

I would now be so intrigued that I would at least text her, and possibly have the outing just to gauge the situation.

Do you have any idea who she is/what she's like and if she'd want to come?

Personally I would detest him glowing with pleasure that she confided in him that she only has male friends and fancies geeks like him.

Him telling you that shows he's a numbskull but he is your numbskull. If he's that naive and she has no female friends then I'd just want to protect your interests.

So you need to check her out. Maybe there's nothing to worry about. 🤔

Unpeufatiguee · 09/06/2020 07:08

Also 2-hour discussions - no bloody way. Quick convo. You said no, he's ignoring it. Ok, check out the woman then. Because with that much feeling, you will not stop him doing what he wants. So check her out and NIP this in the bud mercilessly!

AIMD · 09/06/2020 07:16

Op how was the rest of the evening.

Are you able to say more about what you spoke about for 2 hours? Might help us understand how he is justifying still wanting to invite her. Did you tell him how you are feeling and how they seem to have crossed a line?

wibdib · 09/06/2020 07:24

Not sure (I’m guessing as are you!) if you are organising this or not...

I would leave if and see how many times it gets raised by him to check if you have done it. Even if you are usually super efficient at doing stuff, just don’t do it - murmur bland platitudes about it being on your list of stuff to do along with a zillion other things.

If he raises it lots then that gives you a chance to explode as you see fit, point out that you said you would do it and you will but that you have a bazillion and 1 other jobs and anyway it’s hardly an important or urgent thing, it’s not like the girls are all special friends. Then back to it being on the back burner...

And if he raises it much more then it’s a FFS, stop pestering. I can’t believe how many times you have raised this and it’s not like I can arrange it yet as we can’t meet up under rules of lockdown- we don’t know when we can meet up again so how can I arrange it. No idea when Boris is planning on saying we can meet in groups bigger than 6 but gives you an excuse not to actually do it for now.

When/if you eventually get to the point of doing this, are there other people you want to arrange to see first? So you can say that you’re getting to it but obviously you need to sort out visits to x y and z first.

Finally if you do organise something donit for just a late afternoon coffee / afternoon tea and if he complains about the length of time point out it would be really weird to jump straight in to a whole day out, you don’t have time for a whole day out, she was happy to do that and it would be really odd to suggest meeting for a whole day when you hardly know her, you build up to days out and see how well you all get on together by seeing how it goes on a short meet-up first.

If she suggests a day out when you (eventually!) contact her about a short meet up then that’s when it becomes really odd and you wonder quite how much they have been talking to each other!

AIMD · 09/06/2020 07:28

Sorry realised that sounded really nosey. I just can’t imagine how a two hour conversation went. Did he get angry or make you feel that you were the one being unreasonable. I’m basically wondering if there’s any abuse or control in your relationship ...just your comments about you knowing he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I’m picking up on your reluctance to challenge him suggest maybe there’s a wider issue.

Does he often make decision without taking your thoughts into consideration at all or is this unusual.

Do you generally feel you are able to challenge him when you are unhappy about something he’s done?

Are you scared of him?

I might be way off Mark......just something I wanted to mention given some of the signs here.

Just can’t imagine someone Continuing to insisting on this type of interaction in a equal relationship. I wondered if this is unusual for him or if he is always making decisions and ‘in charge’.

YouDirtyMare · 09/06/2020 07:33

Bloody hell, I don't think I've had a two hour discussion with my husband about one person in my life
Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop making a fool out of himself
I'm embarrassed for him

copycopypaste · 09/06/2020 07:38

My friends ex husband would invite the ow out with him and his wife as they all knew each other. I think it was so they could see each other and he though his wife wouldn't cotton onto the affair.

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