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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
welliesarefuntowear · 09/06/2020 07:42

Ive been here OP and I feel for you. It's a script. It's hell. I tried to be oh so fucking reasonable about it. He's being a twat. You're in dangerous waters here. Do not let him blindside you because if his ego gets the better of him it will destroy your family.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 09/06/2020 07:53

I'm reading this and wondering if there's other relationship issues with you and DH? You said you knew he'd not let you say no from the beginning and then ignored your 2 hr protests.
Is he difficult and controlling in other ways too?
Have you directly told him that you feel uncomfortable with your husband acting like this over another woman?
Would you feel comfortable saying very bluntly, "I've said no DH, please drop the subject."

It's a tricky one, if it were me I'd be worried.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/06/2020 08:05

What the fuck? You had to discuss this for TWO HOURS and he’s pushing you to make it possible for him to see her?!

He’s infatuated with her. Don’t be such a doormat!

Just make it clear you won’t be arranging anything and if he does it’s clear he’s being disloyal to you and your kids.

What a entitled prick! Shock Pressurising you into getting his crush/emotional affair onto the next level!

BashStreetKid · 09/06/2020 08:06

@CuriousityCatty

Well we talked about it for two hours and I said no repeatedly but he has taken that as a yes. I knew from the start that he would not take no for an answer Sad
Is that a no to you contacting her, or him doing so? Because if it's the former, it's easy enough to deal with. When he asks if you made contact, you simply say "I told you several times I wasn't going to".
Original poster
CuriousityCatty · 09/06/2020 08:06

It puts me in a difficult position because if I say no then I look mean, so I feel like I lose either way. Sad

Yes, I did know that when he asked me he wasn't really asking me. He has become increasingly controlling and if he doesn't get his way he will hate me and/or threaten to leave me and the DC.

I know I am in a terrible position but I'm just trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace.

I told him how I feel and said that I felt I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

OP posts:
Endless11 · 09/06/2020 08:08

He sounds awful @CuriosityCatty - does he often threaten to leave you? Might it be better if he actually did??

Spotsandstars · 09/06/2020 08:10

Tell him, no problem I'll give her quick ring and ask her if she's after my husband. See how he responds. Although tbh from your last update maybe you should let her have him.

YouDirtyMare · 09/06/2020 08:13

@CuriousityCatty

It puts me in a difficult position because if I say no then I look mean, so I feel like I lose either way. Sad

Yes, I did know that when he asked me he wasn't really asking me. He has become increasingly controlling and if he doesn't get his way he will hate me and/or threaten to leave me and the DC.

I know I am in a terrible position but I'm just trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace.

I told him how I feel and said that I felt I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

Stop being the victim Why do you have to make everyone (him) happy? He threatens to leave you? Grab those suitcases and start packing for him
LockdownMayhem · 09/06/2020 08:15

Hmm, I suppose this begs the question then, do you actually want to be with a man who threatens to leave you and the kids everyone he doesn't get his own way?

That's not a fair or healthy way to live. This is just his current bee in his bonnet, what will be next? Everyone you go along with him to try and appease him and diffuse the situation,there will the next thing, and the next and the next, which may be even more unreasonable.

If he's not listening to you and your concerns right now, it's unlikely he will become MORE reasonable over time.

Igtg · 09/06/2020 08:15

He would really leave you over this?

OVienna · 09/06/2020 08:18

@ShandlersWig your post made me realise I have no triggers for cottoning on to someone's being a swinger. They'd have to stand naked in front of me. I wonder if I've missed any opps????

OP I think there is a possibility he's already raised it with her and she said something like: "What would your wife think?" His reply was something along the lines of: "She'd be fine."

I think this could explain the determination- the plans have been laid and you're there to confirm. Otherwise the two hour back and girth is really crazy. She's waiting for the invitation.

I wonder what she'd say if your text said : "Hi, DH mentioned that he suggested meeting up?" She might tell you all you need to know about how much contact they've had, inadvertently.

It is possible she's not got a clue. I give this 40% to 60% the other possibility.

And I still think by far the best thing is to be direct and continue to say no and btw why is this so important to you.

OVienna · 09/06/2020 08:19

I just saw your update, sorry.

Nihiloxica · 09/06/2020 08:20

Who cares if he thinks you're mean?

Let him think it.

He sounds really dreadful.

He's trying to bully you into facilitating his affair.

Maybe you should take him up on his generous offer to leave.

Alwaystwomagpies · 09/06/2020 08:21

OP I was confused here until you described he is controlling I’m other situations and threatens to leave if you don’t comply

That isn’t a healthy relationship.
His manipulation and unwillingness to accept that this makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason isn’t acceptable

Could you consider speaking to an organisation like women’s aid to get some support in how you manage him?

If you can then I think you have to maintain saying No in this situation. It isn’t likely to end well however you play it but going along with it will be opening a huge can of worms that will see you as a participant and facilitator of his own emotional affair.

I’m so sorry OP it sounds very difficult for you and not a healthy happy marriage.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/06/2020 08:30

Your update makes the situation much clearer and I appreciate how hard this is for you but you need to be assertive .
DSD’s ‘d’H worked with a single Mum he felt sorry for so invited her to a BBQ at their house ( didn’t ask, just did it) DSD wasn’t happy but didn’t make a fuss until she spotted them having a crafty handhold ! Anyway her H blamed DSD for making a scene etc etc . She ended up apologising . No idea why. Turned out they were having an affair . DSD opted to stay .
Point of this is 1) go with your gut and 2) DSD is still in a controlling situation . Please don’t be like her.

Endless11 · 09/06/2020 08:37

Yes in this situation I would be inclined to think that the ship has sailed - if my H was manipulative, controlling and pushing me to invite someone over whom he seems to have the hots for, I’d be saying yes dear, here is my divorce petition and you will be able to see her whenever you want once you no longer live here Angry.

I know it takes a lot to build up to divorce, but people often wish they had done it sooner.

Endless11 · 09/06/2020 08:38

(I wish I had got divorced sooner and for years I was shit scared of the prospect. I am lonely as hell as a single parent, but so much better off than with someone who did not love me at all. That was a much worse type of loneliness.)

Treacletoots · 09/06/2020 08:43

I'm afraid you've only got one course of action. The relationship 180.

You need to swiftly kick his feet from under him and make him see that you won't be treated like a twat.

He needs to realise he can't behave so badly and you'll still be there, and even worse facilitate his fucked up little affair.

You need to go full hard ball. He doesn't sleep in your bed, you don't cook his meals, you start investigating what it means if you did split, and don't hide it from him.

He needs to feel the fear, that you've reviewed the situation and decided that rather than be played like an idiot, you're putting yourself and your DC first ahead of his penis.

If this doesn't shock him into behaving like a decent human being, nothing will and you can carry on through and divorce the twunt.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I had an ex many years ago who did this with a young trans woman and thought I would believe his bollocks that they were just friends Hmm

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/06/2020 08:46

Yeah I’m sure she’ll be delighted to have your dh on the market with his 3 kids every other weekend and a reputation of being the neighbourhood husband stealer.

What a bastard.

OnTheRollercoasterCalledLife · 09/06/2020 08:49

OP it's a simple as this:
Tell him NO! End of!

If he threatens to leave you then tell him to fuck off and leave. He sounds like an arsehole so you'd be better off away from him anyway. Stand your ground!!! Wish I could just do it for you id fucking tell him what for. I really hate men like this they ruin multiple lives through their lifetime and they take great pleasure in doing this! Please tell him to get fucked.

I'm sorry I know it's easier said than done but I hate to see women being treated this way!

Sonotech · 09/06/2020 08:49

@CuriousityCatty

It puts me in a difficult position because if I say no then I look mean, so I feel like I lose either way. Sad

Yes, I did know that when he asked me he wasn't really asking me. He has become increasingly controlling and if he doesn't get his way he will hate me and/or threaten to leave me and the DC.

I know I am in a terrible position but I'm just trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace.

I told him how I feel and said that I felt I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

Honestly let him go - I face tell him to go. No man is worth that. Your self esteem must be absolutely battered. You don’t die if you be in your own you know. Lots and lots of women choose to be on their own.

If your financially trapped to this man start making moves to be independent

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/06/2020 08:56

So he’s a horrible, controlling dick anyway, regardless of pressurising you into arranging his affair for him Angry

OP there is no way back from this - your self esteem is obviously crushed. You cannot save this relationship unless you become nothing, treat yourself as worthless shit. And you’re not - you deserve respect, love, support and loyalty.

LTB.

wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 09/06/2020 08:58

@CuriousityCatty

It puts me in a difficult position because if I say no then I look mean, so I feel like I lose either way. Sad

Yes, I did know that when he asked me he wasn't really asking me. He has become increasingly controlling and if he doesn't get his way he will hate me and/or threaten to leave me and the DC.

I know I am in a terrible position but I'm just trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace.

I told him how I feel and said that I felt I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

Oh OP. Flowers

I'd stop trying to make this horrible man happy and focus on your own future. Let him leave. And look up the Freedom Programme.

OVienna · 09/06/2020 08:59

Fluffy right? I'd love it to be the case that she slings a "WTF you weirdo" right back at him.

AIMD · 09/06/2020 09:08

Following your Update op this is much more worrying that I first though.My guess if that you’re doing to go along with what he wants to keep him happy?! Is that right?

I think you need to have a look at your relationship as a whole....this recent situation with him friend seems like just a symptom of a wider problem. That problem being he is a controlling arse who thinks he can make you do anything.

Honestly if you don’t draw a boundary here... where he is a clearly getting you to facilitate an inappropriate relationship...where will you draw the line.

Do you feel you are safe to say no to texting her or do you worry about your safety if you say no?

If you can say no safely I would say a firm no and explain you are not happy with their relationship, then he can make his own choices about he progresses and it’s all on him! If you can’t safely say no, or feel too controlled to be able to say no, then I think you need to contact a domestic abuse charity for some specialist support as there is clearly support you need beyond the situation with this woman.