To be worried about DH and friend

[CuriousityCatty]

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband

What would you do?

“ S you message her and ask if she's ok as you (not him) were worried as she's on her own. She'll say she's fine. You'll say cool. End of. Then you tell him no she's fine, don't worry, meeting up not needed.”

Good text suggestion from poster above.

@CallItLoneliness

Urgh, I read these threads and I am so glad that I am not English, and that my DH and I trust each other. I'm also glad that we both recognise that we cannot control each other's feelings or behaviour, only our own. OP, if you have a problem, you need to be honest about YOUR insecurities, and hopefully your DH has enough consideration for your feelings to respect them. Because that's the issue, here, not the DH having a friend he might be a bit moony eyed over. The OP isn't happy, and that matters, but the way forward is honest. open conversation, not banning and controlling behaviour.

Ah so it’s only English men that cheat? We should all marry non English men as they don’t cheat, got it.

He has become increasingly controlling and if he doesn’t get his way he will hate me and/or threaten to leave me and the DC....I told him how I feel and that I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

As I feared, you are in a coercive, abusive relationship. Stand your ground and do NOT invite OW into your marriage. Exposing yourself and your daughters to his obsession would be madness. Asserting your reasonable, healthy boundary is not meanness.

He threatens hating/leaving you to get his way. Have you considered leaving this manipulative brute?

This is a very toxic relationship model that your children are learning.

Tell him that you don't feel comfortable, you barely know her, and you'd rather do a day out with x family, y relatives etc that you've not seen since (even longer ago)

* He's trying to bully you into facilitating his affair.* This with bells on!

Have you ever thought about ending your relationship with him @CuriousityCatty? What other time’s has he made you do something you don’t want to?

Start saying no. He clearly doesn’t give a shiny shit about your feelings.

He sounds very controlling and like my ex. I would say stop trying to make him happy and leave as he obviously does not care about how you feel.

The fact that you had to discuss this for two hours and him still not accepting the no is what is worrying much more then suggesting that you guys take a family and friend day out together. Not all single mothers are a threat lurking around the corner to steal husbands. At times this attitude from some can upset me as I had to see it with my mum. She was not allowed to sit next to certain people she considered friends and fellow parents, inviting a fellow parent to grab a coffee once at a near by place should meant that he never did the morning school bus drop off again and certain events she was excluded from all together 😔

He likes someone else, and by telling you about it, he thinks that lets him off the hook. It doesn't.

Before your update I was going to say ' great idea but it would be weird if you were involved, I will invite her for a walk with me', take control and exclude him. But this is just odd. You need to test out whether you can say no to him, and if you can't then you need to get out.

So sorry you’re going through this Op, but you need to toughen up and quick. Call his bluff. If he’s prepared to leave his wife and children over this he already has his foot out of the door anyway. Is he really worth hanging onto?

He is controlling, a bully and just plain weird. Let him go and have his fling with the gym mum and you can get on with your life without him. This makes me so angry. What a piece of work this person is.

Control freak men so often think that the threat to leave is a major winning card, presumably either because they think that they're so wonderful that no woman in her right mind could contemplate living without them, or because they assume she is completely subservient and will be terrified of coping on her own.

The first bit of reasoning is of course sheer self-delusion. Whilst, if they have been sufficiently emotionally abusive, the second may hold true for a time, the reality is that in many, many cases their behaviour becomes self-defeating because, sooner or later, the worm turns. Fortunately there are all sorts of sources of support available these days to help people to cope, and plenty of role models of single parents managing absolutely fine with their coercive partner out of the picture.

A couple of times I've had some involvement on the periphery of cases where men loved to hold the threat of leaving over their partners. In both cases, I was lucky enough to be present at the point when they made the threat yet again, only for the partner to respond with words to the effect of "Fine, there's the door, you can't leave soon enough so far as I'm concerned". The look of sheer naked shock on both men's' faces was an absolute joy to witness.

Where will this behaviour end? You are scared to say "no" in case you come across as mean or he will threat to leave. So what are your boundaries here? What behaviour are you willing to endure and to let your children witness?

I would rather appear a bit mean & protect myself than a mug who facilitates an affair. I replied as I did in my first post as otherwise you were giving the impression that all was fine on the homefront. But now we are learning of controlling behaviour & threats to leave if you don't do as he wishes. Let him go so...he will be leaving because of another woman really (affair or not,)... seeing as that is what started this all off.

All in all, it sounds like an unhappy scenario for you OP & you need to examine that a bit more & find your value & self worth.

It does read as though he wants you to set him up on a date with this woman so that when it all kicks off and you actually accuse him of an affair, he then can turn and put it on you - that you were the person that asked her to go out. It’s going to be his get out clause. Saying that ‘you agreed to it’. Trust your gut feelings, they’re there for a reason. This sounds like pre-affair behaviour. Stay strong and stand up for yourself if you can. If he’s threatening to leave then it sounds like he’s already got ideas in his head...

Let him go and have his fling with the gym mum and you can get on with your life without him.

^ this

Haven't RTFT but I will. My DH used me to get access to his affair partner, asked me to invite them along, reminded me to call them before the events to make sure they remembered. This happened on several occasions over a period of months until I walked in on them