Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
rayn · 08/06/2020 22:12

I say the same as the others. I had a friend who used to come over and was a single
Mum. Yep my husband had an affair with her. Hiding in plain site!

OVienna · 08/06/2020 22:14

Catty "I don't understand why this is so important to you DH. This is very strange and to be honest I think she'll find it that way too. Suggest we leave it."

"I have nothing to add apart from what I've said."

"No, that doesn't work for me and the DDs."

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 08/06/2020 22:15

Don't do it.
You said no anyway, he can't physically make you.

The fact that a two hour chat needed to happen and he still pushed for it to happen is fucking weird.
Who does that?!

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 08/06/2020 22:16

I can't imagine spending two hours trying to persuade my husband that it was a good idea to meet up with another man, but he must must must text him first, and by the way he's really funny and sweet.

No way.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 08/06/2020 22:21

Fuck that

lunar1 · 08/06/2020 22:24

Tell him you'll do it if he sets you up with one of his mates first, maybe then he'll realise how odd it is!

Baileyscheesecake · 08/06/2020 22:40

You’re between a rock and a hard place. He probably is saying this in all innocence thinking he is just being nice and kind but obviously has a soft spot for her. If you agree to the invite you have to watch him fawning over her even if he would never consider actually having an affair with her (innocent until proven guilty?) but if you object you come across as the jealous insecure nasty one compared with her royal saintlyness and risk pushing him more towards her. Sorry OP - there’s no easy answer to this one so you should just trust your instincts and go with the option which is right for you. In your shoes I would probably say no to the invite on the grounds that you think she’s got lots of support from other sources and doesn’t need your sympathies. Don’t come over as jealous and insecure - just brush it off nonchalantly if you can as it it’s no big deal !!! Good luck XX

backseatcookers · 08/06/2020 22:48

Well we talked about it for two hours and I said no repeatedly but he has taken that as a yes. I knew from the start that he would not take no for an answer

Is he saying yes to him messaging her or only yes if you do? If it's that important to him then he'll do it surely. I think it would be weird either way but if he hasn't got the bollocks to do it himself I don't know what the fuck he's playing at other than hiding a crush in plain sight. Ugh OP what a shitty situation he has created totally needlessly Thanks

Ali2020 · 08/06/2020 22:49

Seriously? I actually hope this isn’t real because he’s behaving terribly.

OP you need to put your foot down. Tell him it isn’t happening. Repeat as much as you need to. He is free to do as he likes but you won’t be facilitating this nonsense. If he persists, I’d be seriously worried about the future of our marriage.

StSaulOfSnacks · 08/06/2020 22:50

But you're not going to message her, so it doesn't matter if he takes no for an answer or not.

Ali2020 · 08/06/2020 22:50

I mean seriously who argues for TWO HOURS over an acquaintance when your wife has told you it makes her uncomfortable?

Im aghast on your behalf OP.

rainbowlou · 08/06/2020 22:51

If he wants you to do it, you need to say absolutely no.
He sounds so desperate and I would point out to him how embarrassing and cringeworthy he sounds as that often has a bigger impact than getting cross (speaking from personal experience sadly)

NeutrinoWrangler · 08/06/2020 22:58

I'm sorry, but I don't understand how he can take a firm "no" and interpret it as a "yes". How exactly is this conversation going?

This is very confusing... I can't imagine telling my husband, "No, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want our families to go on outings together-- not even once, much less as a regular thing. I'm not comfortable with the situation, and I won't be inviting her," and having him reply, "Great! So glad you're onboard with this wonderful idea of mine!"

If he won't invite her himself and expects you to do it for him, how is he going to "force" you to do it? If you don't call or text her if you, say, "forget" or don't feel like it at the moment, and so on it won't happen. Until he decides that it's okay for him to do the inviting, you hold all the power here.

Unpeufatiguee · 08/06/2020 23:01

S you message her and ask if she's ok as you (not him) were worried as she's on her own. She'll say she's fine. You'll say cool. End of. Then you tell him no she's fine, don't worry, meeting up not needed.

Sonotech · 08/06/2020 23:09

Tell him to fuck off

NeutrinoWrangler · 08/06/2020 23:09

If you haven't already, I'd clearly communicate that you're uneasy with this situation and need him to demonstrate that your sense of security is worth more than his "concern" for this "friend". I'd tell him right to his face, unequivocally, that you'll lose all respect for him as a man if he won't just drop this nonsense immediately. He's making a fool of himself in front of you and her. It's distinctly unappealing for a man to behave this way.

What a disgusting specimen.

NeutrinoWrangler · 08/06/2020 23:11

(Well, it would be disgusting and unappealing behaviour in a woman, too, but I'd be aiming at his fragile male ego with all the "man" talk... A low blow, maybe, but he's making me angry on your behalf.)

Sonotech · 08/06/2020 23:13

It’s weird he is asking you to do it. Like he knows it’s weird but is so compelled to want a ‘family date’ with her he is orchestrating this.

I wonder if he’s actually creeping her out when he sees her

She might think you are swingers

theneighbourswindchime · 08/06/2020 23:16

What's he like with his mobile phone? Is it always with him? Locked? Face down on the sofa / table?
On silent? If it does buzz or beep, does he turn the screen?

If you see him texting, go into WhatsApp, find her number and see if she's online. Keep an eye out for matching "last seen" times.

Say you asked her and she said she would get back to you... if he is talking to her secretly then he will seem shocked.

notapizzaeater · 08/06/2020 23:21

It's not weird him inviting her what is weird him insisting when you've said no.

ShandlersWig · 08/06/2020 23:44

If I was a single mum, and had got chatting to dad at swimming or gym club. Then during lockdown I got a text from the WIFE I had never met for a family day out....I'd think = swingers.
Its such a weird scenario, coming from you or him.
OP Id tell him to stop talking about it. It's never going to happen. If he then pursues youve got your answer.

ShandlersWig · 08/06/2020 23:45
  • Apologies for lack of / poor punctuation. Time for bed!
Mummyshark2019 · 09/06/2020 00:04

I would throw the fucker out! How bloody disrespectful. Just tell him strongly that his behaviour makes no sense. This is an acquaintance from gym class and not a friend of yours. You don't care if she is single and lonely, she is not your friend. Tell him is he carries on, then you will assume something untoward has happened between them and this will be the end of your marriage.

Does your husband have form for this? You mentioned before about having to tell him about not messaging women.

He seems like he's having an emotional affair.

MsDogLady · 09/06/2020 01:06

...I said no repeatedly but he has taken that as a yes. I knew from the start that he would not take no for an answer.

Well, his determination certainly matches his previous intensity and desperation.

He is prioritizing OW over you. He has an agenda and is determined to coerce you into facilitating his fantasy. It appears that he feels entitled to ride roughshod over your boundaries.

I would lose respect for my husband if he pulled this stunt and I wouldn’t tolerate it.

Something is very wrong here.

Magnumrose · 09/06/2020 01:16

Don’t do it. Stick to what feels right OP. He is being incredibly disrespectful towards you by ignoring your feelings on this.