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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
CuriosityCatty · 08/06/2020 15:31

@drmanhattan No, he hasn't . Which is why something doesn't feel right about this. Although we have had conversations about what and what isn't appropriate i.e. he shouldn't be private messaging women, etc. So he knows where I stand.

Kettlingur · 08/06/2020 15:34

He agrees that he knows that if he messaged her she would think it was weird, that's why he wanted me to message.

But why wouldn't that also seem weird, you hardly know her do you.

It's almost like it's school and you're his friend who is supposed to find out for him whether she likes him or not.

areyoubeingserviced · 08/06/2020 15:39

I will repeat . Trust your gut aka your sixth sense. It’s there for a reason

OVienna · 08/06/2020 15:39

I am also interested in whether he has past form for this and if he has explained why he is so concerned about this woman.

And also the regularity - do you seriously have the sort of lifestyle as a family to commit to a permanent fixture with someone you've met in a child's extracurricular activity??? Who seriously does.

If they're going a few times a week I am guessing that you're not really in the position to take that over completely, although I'd be interested in his response to that suggestion.

Pebblexox · 08/06/2020 15:47

If you're still concerned about it, you just need to be upfront with him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. It's all very bizarre that he agrees it would be weird him reaching out to her, but yet he wants to make it a regular thing to get together with her for days out.

CoronaIsShit · 08/06/2020 16:07

It would be different if he framed the invite as wanting the DDs to get together or if she was a ‘friend’ he’d had regular contact with rather than an acquaintance who he only had contact with at an activity.

Did you ask why he’s suddenly worried about her almost 3 months into lockdown and what basis does he have for this ‘worry’ if he hasn’t had any contact with her?

They’ve definitely been messaging. I’d be digging through his phone, iPad etc and phone bill in case he’s stupid enough to have contacted her where it can leave evidence. He’s obviously stupid enough to have told you that she likes guys like him! Look for any apps that can be used for messaging, check WhatsApp to see if he’s messaging her off the group chat.

CoronaIsShit · 08/06/2020 16:17

I would also definitely invite her for one outing and watch them like a hawk to get a sense of how ‘close’ they are. You don’t have to commit to anything regular at this stage. Take it one step at a time. This woman is not going to go away if he’s going to still be seeing her at the gym class when it restarts. If he wants to try something with her and she’s open to it, it’ll happen anyway then.

CuriosityCatty · 08/06/2020 16:17

If I agree to this, it will be on the condition that he shows me any messages that have been sent between them.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/06/2020 16:20

I think whether innocent or not, he has an unhealthy attachment to her and I wouldn't encourage it. He may just genuinely care as a friend but personally I don't encourage my husband to get close to other women. The line blurrs too easily.
It sounds like he's so desperate to see her he's using the only means he can think of and that's you all going out together.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 16:24

How would you ever know that he did though? How could you be sure of this? I'd just knock it on the head now.

CoronaIsShit · 08/06/2020 16:44

How can the OP knock it on the head though OVienna? If her DH has an infatuation with another woman I don’t think it will matter if she refuses to accommodate a day out with her, or says she’s not happy with this friendship, especially if they’ve been stoking the fire by messaging through lockdown. Lockdown will be over at some point. He’ll just take it underground and deny. At least she can figure out if something’s going on with it in plain sight and she’s certainly not blind to it so she’s ahead of a lot of other women who’ve had a bad outcome in situations like this.

Upstartcrones · 08/06/2020 17:22

why would you want to agree to this if it's going to put you under stress?

If I was in your husband's shoes and my DH said to me look I'm not comfortable with this I'd care enough to stop and think.

I'm currently witnessing an affair that started on very similar lines to this and was done in plain sight. He normalised it bit by bit until it tipped over into an affair that 'just happened'.

Men and women can and should be friends but its usually borne out of a more platonic situation than this. This is based on attraction and they are both sending out those signals loud and clear.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 18:45

How can the OP knock it on the head though OVienna? Well, I'd not suggest she rolls down and plays dead, as an alternative. And I wouldn't be encouraging it.

I would say this: "DH, if you think she'd feel uncomfortable with you ringing do you know what? It's probably because it would be a bit weird. Kids haven't mentioned meeting up with hers and since she's just someone we know from the club. If you like, I'll send her a text but suggest we leave it at that."

If he's a determined cheat, she'll soon know, but this is where I'd start, were it me.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 18:46

His reaction to a talk like that will tell her plenty.

I doubt he'll show his cards on the first trip, on the 'meeting up' logic she could be in for days of these events. Sod that.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 18:48

If he strops and insists or brings it up again, she'd be well within her rights to ask him what the absolute fuck is he playing at.

It's still a bit premature for that.

grassyhillocks · 08/06/2020 19:21

If she and her dd wanted to see you then she would have contacted you, surely?

BeingKindIsFree · 08/06/2020 19:38

I wouldn't trust this. He has mentionitis. Would he have the same concerns over a single dad who he thought was lonely, I doubt it.

MsDogLady · 08/06/2020 20:06

They’re attracted and have already been ego-boosting and having fun. Now the rescuer/damsel element has been added. This dynamic can be incredibly seductive as emotional intimacy develops.

If you agree to this you’ll be playing with fire. Your H is too invested in and energized by this OW. Don’t be passive. Your feelings are valid and he needs to know that you are uncomfortable with his attachment.

Original poster
CuriousityCatty · 08/06/2020 21:58

Well we talked about it for two hours and I said no repeatedly but he has taken that as a yes. I knew from the start that he would not take no for an answer Sad

OP posts:
Greenkit · 08/06/2020 22:01

What was his reason for being over invested in her life, to the detriment of yours?

I guess it's her or you and your marriage

Pebblexox · 08/06/2020 22:03

You need to be putting your foot down then. He isn't taking your feelings into consideration, and is putting his concerns about his 'friend' before you. Big red flags op, I'm sorry.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 22:09

What exactly was said. Is he reaching out or you? Just don't.

"No, I don't want to spend time with arbs from the gym. No, I won't text her sorry. It's not appropriate and you are acting increasingly strange, aren't you, DH?"

Original poster
CuriousityCatty · 08/06/2020 22:11

No, he wants me to do it. Blush

OP posts:
Minniee · 08/06/2020 22:11

How has he taking it as a yes? You said no.

Minniee · 08/06/2020 22:12

I'd be saying is everything okay, you seem awfully keen to meet with her? Is there something you want to tell me?

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