To be worried about DH and friend

[CuriousityCatty]

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband

What would you do?

It is not mean to say no to something you do not want to do.

You should start looking at leaving him anyway.

I just read your update op. 2 hours! There is something wrong here and you know it. I bet he's promised her to meet up and doesnt want to have to say no. Why are you bothered about if a woman your husband fancies, thinks you're mean?! Who cares what she thinks. She can do one! Keep saying no, be strong. Sounds like he is not respectful of your feelings, and very controlling. It is not the end of the world to be single you know. You will survive and be very happy.

OP,

You need to prepare yourself for the worst.

Your husband is controlling.

He dismisses your opinion when you have stated it clearly.

He obviously has a crush on this woman.

You sound as if you are walking on eggshells.

Prepare for the worst...
Get copies of all financial paperwork.

He sounds like a man who would gaslight you about what is going on.

Be prepared.

This line summed it up for me

He's trying to bully you into facilitating his affair.

How does he account for the fact that he is so desperate to help this woman and no other? Why, for instance, is he not equally keen on helping single elderly people living near you?

I'd be tempted to pick on a single man friend or acquaintance and insist he support that person. His reaction would be interesting.

Stand firm OP. If he threatens to leave say you'll help him pack. Then tell his family and friends about what a controlling weirdo he is.

I told him how I feel and said that I felt I was always sacrificing my own happiness to go along with what he wants.

How did he respond to that?

My initial thought was that he has a crush on her. Not in an affair type of way, but in a pre-teens way that he might not even know it himself but it's totally innocent. But then with your last update It really changes the whole thing. This is the least of your problems. I dont have advice other than if he wants to meet with her, you shoudltn be the one inviting her to come along

I’m with treacletoots, relationship 180 time. Trying to keep him happy all the time is not making your marriage stronger, far from it. Distance. Independence. Look after yourself . Tell a friend he keeps threatening to leave you and the kids. Tell him you’ve told a friend (don’t tell him who maybe) and they said That asshole would forget the kids names in a week, tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

Be strong, be clear. Your answer is no.

For once, do what you want.

You are not on this planet to facilitate his social life or support women you barely know, nor care about, who are alone.

My DH tried to get me to befriend a female acquaintance of his with lots of ‘issues’. He thought I would be a ‘good friend’ for her. My response was “Yes I’m sure I would be a good friend for her. But she’s not a good friend for me”. He hasn’t mentioned it again.

Seriously OP, what I’m hearing is your DH seems to want you to put his needs and wants first. Absolutely not. If he decides he wants to form a friendship with this other woman then there is nothing you can do except to tell him his behaviour is making you unhappy. If he ignores that then you have to decide whether this is something you can put up with long term but there is no way I would be happy to facilitate it in any shape or form...she’s not your friend and it doesn’t sound as though you want her to be which is perfectly fair enough. I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

He’s gaslighting you by being so upfront so he can innocently say “oh but you were the one who invited her” also how do we know she even wants a friendship with him? You say he doesn’t take no for an answer and she would find it weird if he messaged so it sounds like she’s not interested either! I think you know this isn’t right and the fact he tells you he hates you and will leave is your answer really. Sorry OP.

@billy1966

OP,

You need to prepare yourself for the worst.

Your husband is controlling.

He dismisses your opinion when you have stated it clearly.

He obviously has a crush on this woman.

You sound as if you are walking on eggshells.

Prepare for the worst...
Get copies of all financial paperwork.

He sounds like a man who would gaslight you about what is going on.

Be prepared.

All of this.

Hi 'friend', my dh wants to meet up for a day out all together. I think he has a crush on you - how embarrassing friend!!
Obviously assume you will be declining our kind invitation...
Regards op..

He is playing you op.
First he made it seem like he is running it past you. Then he wanted you to invite her, so he can always throw it back to you that you were ok with it.
And now that you have outright said no hes just cutting straight to what he always wanted to happen.
Massive red flags.
How the hell does he even know shes been lonely. That is not his problem even if she was!

Stay strong OP and listen to all the advice. We are all concerned about you - I think this is one of the most disturbing posts I've read, especially with your updates.

Just wanted to add my support OP.

I don't often comment on relationship issues because everyone's is different and sometimes my own view is a bit skewed due to my own experiences in controlling relationships, however the alarm bells here were too loud to ignore.

It really seems like you are being set up for being "in the wrong" no matter what you do or say.

If you agree despite your discomfort in order to be "nice" he will wonder how far the "not minding" can be pushed - he can frame further boundary pushing by suggesting female solidarity "Now that you know her / have the bond of being female you must be able to see she's not a threat so it'll be okay if I do x, y or z with her on this day when you're not available..... what harm can it do? She's YOUR friend too" ......

If you say no and sick to your guns, there is the risk he will use it to justify having to sneak around behind your back, tell his pal what a controlling, jealous unreasonable woman you are and then say if an affair develops that he was pushed into it by your refusal to accommodate his "friendship".

Another thing that strikes me here is a possible view of and enjoyment of the idea that he is a worthy prize to be fought over by two women who are both supposed to revere and admire him for his selfless, caring qualities. Maybe she has pursued him - maybe they have had chats which he has cherry picked things from to stroke his own ego - as he has taken your no as a yes, it appears he has a problem with actually hearing and accepting what a woman says because only his wants are important and he constructs his world view to justify them, even if its demonstrably false.

You say he seems desperate for this meet up - is it lockdown fever, or saviour complex, or a clever way to facilitate his desire?

I would love to ask this woman what has happened in their conversations to prompt this and whether she is as invested as he seems to be?

But he is the brick wall between any sort of honest communication in all this between you because he could accuse you of ganging up on him, misinterpreting his genuinely altruistic motives etc etc because "jealous women" "man hating etc etc".

So he's kicked open a hornet's nest and potentially exposed two women to the stings of male manipulation.

Just my thoughts and I really hope this gets resolved with the best outcome for you.

In a normal, strong marriage, both people should be allowed to sound a bit "mean" (not that you would be, in this instance, but even if you were being a little selfish) from time to time without worrying that they'e endangering the entire relationship.

It's not sounding like a good marriage, honestly... If you can't tell him "no" without him threatening that he'll "hate you" or leave you, he's not worth having!

I'd take a long, hard look at the relationship. What are you getting out of this? Does he normally treat you with respect and love? Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you weren't walking on eggshells? It doesn't have to be this way.

Not only would I say no, if open the door for him to go the next time he threatened it. I’d also switch the girls gymnastics club too actually.

Fuck her, fuck him. Thanks

I’ve become this intolerant of bs because my ex used to set me up to fail all the time, so give me an ultimatum and Be ready to take it.

I say again. Fuck him, fuck her and blow it all up.

So that woman is not the actual problem, it’s him being controlling and threatening you.

Few random spell check words added there, sorry

Sorry to read your update OP.

He prioritises his own desires and those of another woman over yours.

Might it be best if he did leave? I second the PP suggestion of a relationship 180. The dynamic is all wrong at the moment.

Following your latest update, I think the female friend is irrelevant.

He sounds awful. Do you really want to be in a relationship with this man?

Have I missed something? My children do loads of clubs and here's lots of the opposite sex at each one. We're all friends. We all chat. Message. Etc.

Their just the kids parents. There's no sexual attraction. Jesus. I've even rung someone's husband after he had an operation. I mean. That's worrying now.

My husband knows them. He also chats if he ever takes the kids to the after school club. One of them we even go to a fancy spa place and all have a cup of tea!

Yes @Hoggleludo you have missed plenty

The OPs husband is gaslighting and controlling and trying to get her to set up a date with, with a woman he fancies and herself. When OP has said this makes her unconformable he has confirmed he gives zero fucks.

We are telling her to not let him carry on his abusive little charade and kick the cock out.

There's a difference between casual friendship (especially where both members of a couple are involved in the friendship) and obsessive infatuation.

OP's husband is the one being "controlling". He is apparently the sort to ignore her completely valid feelings and react poorly if she dares not do exactly as he wishes.