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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
caperberries · 08/06/2020 07:46

@bluntness100 not necessarily

Monty27 · 08/06/2020 07:51

I would not be reeled into any mind games OP. I'd be completely stepping back from this woman. It's a recipe for disaster believe me.
I'd feel differently if you had a close friendship with her. It stinks of manipulation on her and your DHS (possibly unwittingly) behalf

InMyHeadAllTheTime · 08/06/2020 07:53

I highly recommend you and your husband read the book Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.
Many times affairs start off as platonic friendships. I would take the approach of educating him by reading together and discussing. If not the book, there are plenty of great articles on how affairs evolve from friends, to emotional affair to physical affair.
Your instincts are telling you his friendship with her is inappropriate... trust your instinct.
Men love a Damsel in distress. He has already told you that he wants to look out for this damsel.

BeltaneBride · 08/06/2020 08:05

does sound like potential pre-affair behaviour.
Yes He may genuinely not realise it but this is so common. Happened to me. Men love to be needed and helping a damsel in distress is in their DNA. Oftetm happens with older couples as in a neighbour is widowed and her friend's husband pops into go with odd jobs -no plans for an affair but the flattery makes him happy and they end up together. Happened to my when my H took pitly on a woman whose H was a bastard (supposedly) and she had lots of kids and no job so to give her a break from all that he started coaching her running (running club). He also geeky and flattered by the attention. Mentionitis (hadn't heard that word before but -oh yes!)
I don't know e best way to play this because your DH is clearly besotted but I would bring the cold light of day onto it and bluntly tell him this is classic pre/affair so if it does develop he will know you know and will put a dampener on their romance as you will hold the cards at the outset while most wives are clueless in the early stages and at a disadvantage.

ErnDincum · 08/06/2020 08:06

You need to tell him how you feel. Get it out in the open. She's an acquaintance not a friend, so really she should be of only minor concern to your husband during lockdown. Is he similarly fretting about any of your elderly neighbours or acquaintances? I doubt it. Funny how they reserve their genuine, platonic concern for the young, single women.

He should be happy to step back from this 'friendship' if you express your concern. If he can't or won't then he's not being honest about his feelings. My DH recently expressed his discomfort over me helping a male neighbour go and collect something a 2 hour drive away. This is unlike DH as I have a few male friends, but it was no biggie, and now DH is going with him.

It does sound like a crush though, and you are right to be concerned.

Standrewsschool · 08/06/2020 08:09

What prompted him to mention her now? We’re you having a general conversation about the gym? Single people in lockdown? Etc. Seems a bit random to mention her, unless they have been communicating, or she wrote something on the WhatsApp group which prompted the comment.

Maybe call his bluff slightly and invite them on a play date with you, dcs and her and her dcs. Make it a mums and dcs play date. Maybe a trip to the park, something simple. A day out is quite a lot at the moment.

Someone commented that they would invite her along to see the interaction between him and her.

It could be something platonic, or at least that how he perceives it, (and I chat to the dh’s as much as d-wives at my son’s sport clubs), but it’s wise to be wary.

Select500 · 08/06/2020 08:15

This needs to be nipped in the bud. You're not being weird. I'd say:

"Look, it's obvious you have a crush. Crushes are relatively harmless, but here you're actively trying to organise not one meeting, but a regular one. In any other case I'd agree to go out with her, but in this case it's clear it's for your benefit rather than just hers, so not a chance. It's not your job as my DH to make her happy and if that's something you want to do then I will be taking DDs to gym in future."

OR...I'd do the opposite and have fun with it: arrange the day out (get him to do it via text) but just as you're about to go find a reason to cancel. You'll know from his face then. And be ready to monitor the (inevitable) texts they'll exchange afterwards. Because the minute one of them says something untoward you can leap on it with evidence.

BashStreetKid · 08/06/2020 08:15

How does he know that she hasn't been seeing anyone? The mere fact that she is a single parent doesn't make that at all inevitable - she may well have relatives and other friends. And, if that really is is his excuse, it doesn't account for his wish to make getting together a regular thing. As PP have said, how many other single friends and relatives is he devoting this much thought to?

LuluJakey1 · 08/06/2020 08:16

[quote CuriousityCatty]@022828MAN that's what is so confusing. If he had a crush, why would he invite her out with his wife and kids?[/quote]
..........because it makes it safe and above board while he plays out his little crush and decides what it is.

He has feelings for her that he is kidding himself are platonic and is finding a way to make seeing her acceptable to you. It isn't acceptable because it makes you uncomfortable and he is being unfair. I suspect he will find a way to see her anyway though.

Change the childrens' gym club definitely.

AJPTaylor · 08/06/2020 08:37

Really?
Dh had a school run friend when ours were little. He only went once a week and she was the only person who spoke to him! He is a friendly and sociable person. He also had "swimming friend" who he chatted to whilst waiting at swimming. Isn't that normal? And I could see him suggesting meeting up in these circs.
Either you trust him or you don't.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/06/2020 08:40

Do it and pay a bit more attention to how they act between themselves then you would otherwise do.

People who are genuinely only seeing eachother as friends act very differently to those who have emotional and physical feelings for each other even when they are still in the denial mode.

RedRec · 08/06/2020 08:49

Excellent advice from @BeltaneBride to put the wind up him:

"I don't know e best way to play this because your DH is clearly besotted but I would bring the cold light of day onto it and bluntly tell him this is classic pre/affair so if it does develop he will know you know and will put a dampener on their romance as you will hold the cards at the outset while most wives are clueless in the early stages and at a disadvantage."

Select500 · 08/06/2020 09:00

@ajptaylor
I always envy people who can view trust as black and white. I'm not saying you're wrong in your relationship, but sometimes something that starts innocently and is thus trustworthy can become sinister and suspect.

For me personally the red flags are him thinking of her out of the blue in lockdown and speaking about how wonderful she is on several occasions. It's obviously strange enough behaviour for the OP to notice it isn't his normal style. This is actually how my ex-fiance's affair began and he was literally someone I never believed would cheat on me. Sorry, but they're classic bad omens, even if he's not conscious of what he thinks/ feels yet.

Coka · 08/06/2020 09:02

I thought this all seemed too far fetched and paranoid but thinking more, maybe he is trying to gauge her reaction to see what their relationship actually is. If she accepts and comes on your day out it is unlikely she is interested romantically in him. If she declines it may mean there is more to it..

YouDirtyMare · 08/06/2020 09:15

No I wouldn't be bloody inviting her
Your husband wants to be the hero of the hour. That woman maybe completely innocent. She may not need saving
I'd find it bloody weird if you contacted me out of the blue to invite me round

BreatheAndFocus · 08/06/2020 09:15

Definite red flags! I’d suspect this woman is making a play for your DH. Your DH might or might not be aware of this but he’s certainly loving the attention, I’d say.

I’m a victim of a ‘friend’ like this. I stupidly thought DH was being kind providing support for her. He’s ex-DH now and I wish I’d stepped in earlier because, in my case, I feel the woman involved might have backed off if I was a ‘real person’ to her.

I’d stop the gym club or take your DC yourself for a start. I’d also make sure I was in the gym WhatsApp group.

Personally, I’d take over this as suggested above. Express sympathy for this ‘poor woman’, and arrange a nice girly meet-up for her. You’re then in control and also making yourself visible to her. You’ll have a chance to judge her intentions too.

Patch23042 · 08/06/2020 09:18

YOur second post implies that he has previous form for this sort of thing. What happened?

thethoughtfox · 08/06/2020 09:22

She only has guy friends.
She has told him the type of man she likes.
It's the type of man your husband is.
He is happy about this.
he wants to start seeing her socially.

Would I fuck facilitate this.

areyoubeingserviced · 08/06/2020 09:27

Op, you don’t come across as a jealous paranoid person, which is probably why your dh feels comfortable inviting this woman.
However, I would trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable with this ‘friendship’ then you should do what another poster suggested. You should point out to your dh that his ‘relationship’ with this woman could possibly lead to an affair.
I think that he has a crush

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 08/06/2020 09:28

Yep, this happened to me , and pretty recently- damsel in distress was irresistible, I was forced to play along unbeknownst to me with meet ups with the kids etc. I’d go through his phone tbh as I wish I’d done this before things got out of hand.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 08/06/2020 09:28

I seem to be going against the grain here, but I'd invite her along. It would mean you'd be 'real' to her - someone she knows instead of a hypothetical person that doesn't mean anything to her, and won't get framed instead as a 'controlling wife' who doesn't let your DH have friends etc etc which is a really really common narrative and feeds into any inappropriate behaviour developing.

If it is nothing and they are just friends (which is verypossible) then it'll put your mind to rest. If they are kind of circling towards an EA, I think you being super friendly to her and getting to know her a bit will actually put the dampeners on it.

AFireInJuly · 08/06/2020 09:30

As others have said, it's not unusual for a man to invite the woman he's romantically interested in to family gatherings. I had a situation with a man at work who was senior to me. I was having difficulties with my boss at that time, and he was nice about it. At one point he said that my husband and I should come round and have lunch/dinner with him and his wife and family (it didn't happen in the end). He eventually declared his undying love and said he wanted to marry me. I think he was having some kind of crisis. I gave him a massive swerve and asked him not to contact me again.

TBH, I think the rationale for inviting me round was to convince himself that it was all innocent and we were just friends. Maybe it's the same with your H - he sounds quite naive and socially awkward from what you've said.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 08/06/2020 09:31

@AJPTaylor I completely trusted my DH - he’d never done anything like it before (and I trust that him that never will again) but it happened . Go with your gut OP

Ali2020 · 08/06/2020 09:34

He sounds like he has had a sensitivity bypass.

The test I always apply is whether he would behave in the same way for a male acquaintance. Would he talk about his male acquaintances like this? Does he worry about other random acquaintances? Would he react the same way if a male acquaintance told him the same thing she did about the type of man he liked?

If not, then you have your answer.

plimm · 08/06/2020 09:43

Would it be too risky to invite her along, and then talk openly with both of them whilst you are all together? e.g. say my DH has really been thinking about you a lot, he says you told him you liked his type of man, he wants to meet you regularly, to me it looks like you two are having an affair, ha ha, you're not are you? You'd better not because I'd be really pissed off, and DC, etc. I'm thinking of taking DD to gym from now on, etc.

i.e. call it out so it loses its lustre and fascination. It could backfire though!!

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