Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
QueSera · 07/06/2020 22:49

he says he wants to make it a regular thing

What?

Sonotech · 07/06/2020 22:49

Some men are so stupid. It’s mentionitis. He wants to be her hero.

And yeah some men do get kicks out of having their wife around the women he wants to knob.My bil was expert at it.

MadeForThis · 07/06/2020 22:49

Sounds like he misses her and wants to see her again. Is he flattered that she spends time with him?

He has convinced himself that it's an innocent friendship and is proving to himself that's true by asking you to arrange a get together.

He's skating on dangerous ground.

Sonotech · 07/06/2020 22:50

[quote CuriousityCatty]@AmericanAdventure It's because I have said in the past that it wasn't appropriate for him to be messaging or inviting women places with him.[/quote]
So he got form for this?

Foxesanddaffodils20 · 07/06/2020 22:51

Reading with interest Op, it all seems a bit weird tbh.

For those who mentioned pre-affair behaviour and emotional affair, can you give more details pleeease?
They can hide it well and is good to learn what to do in those horrible situations!

greydaisys · 07/06/2020 22:52

I defo would not !!! I would tell him how I felt abt it all

GertrudeCB · 07/06/2020 22:53

Oh dear, mentionitis.
What was his reply when you told him how you felt about this ?

OhYeahLucky · 07/06/2020 23:00

FFS would you feel this threatened if she were married? Single parents have enough shit to deal with than to be dragged into your crap too

AIMD · 07/06/2020 23:02

Hell no! This is really odd.

My husband is chatty and talks to a couple of the mums from school. However it’s mainly kid m/school related conversation or benign general Chat and through the school Facebook page or individual messages about specific activities etc.

The comment that he’s made about liking him are concerning. It’s like their testing the waters with each other, slowly crossing the boundaries.

At the very least it flirtation that could lead to more.

Have you out right asked how much they communicate and how?

SionnachGlic · 07/06/2020 23:02

I'd be v curious too & tempted to ask her over because I'd want to assess all of this for myself. Have you ever met this woman? Could you go to gym lessons & see what the dynamic is before you invite her anywhere? I don't agree with the theory that men & women can't be just friends...I have male friends from college & work who are married & that I am friendly with for over 2 decades & I am single ...not all of that time but for long periods of time. We have lunches, send texts sometimes to catch up etc. And I have a child...but I am not trying to take someone else's husband. Maybe a 'new' friendship is more of a concern though? Does your husband have any female friends independent of yours?

I think I would sneak a peak at a lesson, introduce yourself, make yourself real to her. If you don't like the vibe say it to your husband. Maybe he can reassure you there is nothing to it, no feelings more than friends.

Unpeufatiguee · 07/06/2020 23:05

Wow what's weird is I was given an almost identical script!

She's such a great friend ... she's a cool person ... I just want to help her out because (whatever) ...

And the same mentionitis.

And the same pride he couldn't hide that she'd somehow flattered him,

I was that muppet - I was so trusting that although my hitherto-untested senses were going crackers and saying to me 'wtF is going on here???' - I was super nice and said yes of course you can have a friend! And genuinely thought who am I to deprive him of the pleasure of a friend?

Because I trusted the fucker.

OP, make no mistake - he's infatuated with her. This meeting up at least is to involve you. I'd probably say yes just to observe behaviour. But it would not be a regular thing.

I'm afraid you can't stop his feelings. But you can, with the help of lockdown, not permit him to meet her regularly.

One day lockdown will be gone though.

Women with no respect for other women's territory - I don't like that. But I'm afraid you either try to stop him completely (which I think will be nigh on impossible) or you try to limit contact and you have to rely on her decency ... I know. Not great.

Unpeufatiguee · 07/06/2020 23:07

Check the phone bill. Surreptitiously.

With a large glass of something strong, just in case.

notangelinajolie · 07/06/2020 23:07

No way!! This does not sound right at all.
Part of me wants to say - find out more about her, invite her round but I think you would regret it. Keep her away!

FabulouslyFab · 07/06/2020 23:07

Absolutely not. No way. Don’t give an inch!
Similar thing happened to me and it wrecked my marriage. ‘She’s lovely. She said she’s not been able to talk to anyone like she can talk to me. She won’t be any trouble’
No no no and no.

Minniee · 07/06/2020 23:09

Why does it have to be a regular thing? He's jumping the gun there.

DamnYankee · 07/06/2020 23:11

The problem is that if we invite her once, he says he wants to make it a regular thing. So I either say a flat no or I have to put up with them forever

Forever? It can't be that black and white. He's actually saying, "If we invite her once, we have to keep meeting up forever?"

Equalityumber · 07/06/2020 23:14

Sounds like he has a crush. You could invite her over and test the waters..

SummerWhisper · 07/06/2020 23:14

I'm hoping you are in the WhatsApp group. That way, you can track what is discussed in there and make note of what they are contacting each other about outside of it. That would be my first subtle step.

Under what circumstances has she told him what type of men she likes? It can't be in the WhatsApp group so it must be at the gym. Therefore, they are having long conversations alone (unless she's incredibly forward e.g. "Hi Daphne, how are you?" "Me? I love a geeky man, that's how I am").

So, why are they having long conversations alone? If it's not at the gym, they are private messaging. Both of these stages are beyond friendship and I would be worried. Time for some truthfulness from your hubbie. Maybe check his phone, too or at least check when he's using WhatsApp.

TriciaH · 07/06/2020 23:15

Do not do it. My partner and I had a friend who was his old mates ex. Anyway he hinted as they had split and she was a single mum we should invite her to a Bbq at ours so she had company. The a couple weeks later he invited her over for another. She turnt up whilst I was at work without her child. He took her and our kids to the pub. I met them there after work and was very blunt with her as it felt odd apparently her daughter was being dropped to ours but her mum was running late. We'll I should have followed my instincts and punched her in the pub that day as 4 weeks later I found out that was the day they started seeing each other behind my back.

Reluctantbettlynch · 07/06/2020 23:17

These threads are mental. If he actually fancies her, then you refusing isn't going to change anything. He will see her when lockdown is over and you will be the crazy, jealous wife. Meet her and go from there.
If my DH tried to stop me having male friends he'd be XDH.
You don't own someone in a relationship, it should be about what you both want. If someone your with is a cheating dick then they will cheat no matter what. If I thought DH was cheating that would be relationship over because without trust there would be nothing left for me. He has female friends, I have male friends, we have many friends in common but neither of us dictates who the other sees / messages / speaks to.

AIMD · 07/06/2020 23:18

I don’t agree with some of the comments about keeping her away from him. It’s not her behaviour you should be worried about, it’s his....your married to him not her.

I think you just need to be really blunt with him. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he doesn’t know he getting close to crossing a line. At least he might have chance to distance himself. If he doesn’t choose to distance himself there’s not much you can do.

Frozenfan2019 · 07/06/2020 23:18

I don't necessaely think that he has a thing for her (or that he knows he does) but I do think that.you.know him better than anyone, perhaps even better than he knows himself so if you get a bad feeling about this then I would tell him.and say you are not comfortable with meeting up. Just don't do it.

I would respect my DH if he said that to me and that would be the end of things.

thefourgp · 07/06/2020 23:19

Don’t meet up with her and don’t agree to him meeting up with her. It doesn’t matter whether or not she’s romantically interested in him. Don’t invite temptation and drama into your life. He fancies her and he wants an excuse to spend more time with her. You know this which is why you feel so uncomfortable. Trust your feelings/instincts. He’s probably in denial about his attraction to her. It’s how thousands of affairs start. Although some men enjoy having their wives around their romantic interests/lovers. I knew a woman who went on holiday when she was twenty with a married man in his 40s and his family. It was under the pretence of babysitting the kids so the man and his wife could have more time together and the wife have more time to herself. The 20 year old was having sex with the husband and this was their way of spending time together on holiday. Some people are shameless.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2020 23:22

Are there other people he's expressed concern for? It's a difficult one - just make sure you're there if you all do meet up again.

grassyhillocks · 07/06/2020 23:22

[quote CuriousityCatty]@022828MAN that's what is so confusing. If he had a crush, why would he invite her out with his wife and kids?[/quote]
It's 'safe' that's why. He gets to see her, but it's all 'above board' because you and the kids are there as well.

It's also a way of him being able to ask her out without it being just the two of them, and he might be thinking she'd run a mile if he did that, and he doesn't want to scare her off. For all you know, she might have been politely fending him off for months.

Swipe left for the next trending thread