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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
OVienna · 08/06/2020 09:44

Funny how they reserve their genuine, platonic concern for the young, single women. Right?

OP - I would take up the recommendation above to 'check in on her' yourself. If he responds poorly to the "don't worry, leave it to me" I'd pursue that as to why. "It's not like you guys have a special connection or anything, right?"

ChikiTIKI · 08/06/2020 10:02

Does he even know she is lonely? She could have plenty of friends and family that she sees for all he knows...

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2020 11:01

say my DH has really been thinking about you a lot, he says you told him you liked his type of man, he wants to meet you regularly, to me it looks like you two are having an affair, ha ha, you're not are you? You'd better not because I'd be really pissed off, and DC, etc. I'm thinking of taking DD to gym from now on, etc

Christ, I’ve Male friends, if my husband did that I’d friggen divorce him.

AIMD · 08/06/2020 12:13

@Bluntness100 I agree.

Making a ‘jokey‘ comment like that is a bit passive aggressive. Also it could lead to an argument that ends in you looking like the jealous partner. I think a direct and assertive approach one on one with your husband is the best route.

“I been feeling upset and worried about some of the things I have heard about your relationship with Brenda. It seems like you are thinking about her a lot and that you’ve got really close and had some personal conversation. I have been wondering if this is moving towards you both being more than friends”.

Kettlingur · 08/06/2020 12:15

This "either you trust him or not" stuff is so silly.

Not all affairs start with the spouse making a plan: "Gee, I think I'll be cheating on my wife this week!" It's more common that they meet someone they kind of like, and then spend time with them, and then start making up excuses to spend time with them, and then finally "I don't know how it happened but you can't help your feelings" yada yada.

I think it's completely reasonable to not be ok with your spouse putting himself in a situation which might lead to marriage trouble.

(And before the "my spouse would never" crowd arrives, that's what we all believed once.)

Original poster
CuriousityCatty · 08/06/2020 12:49

Ok, so I need to say no. I don't really want to accuse him of anything as it will get him on the back foot. How do I calmly say no without looking mean, jealous or controlling. He is obviously welcome to go wherever he wants but I certainly want no part in this.

OP posts:
Pebblexox · 08/06/2020 13:13

Just explain to him that you feel uncomfortable with the situation. That you know of he doesn't have a relationship with her outside of the children's activities, so you're a little confused as to why he's worried about her life.

Sadbridetobe · 08/06/2020 13:15

I have personal experience of this situation and there WAS more to it than him just wanting to be friends with her.

Cloudyday123 · 08/06/2020 13:35

You need to trust your gut on this.
Exdh had a “friend” who he would invite to do things with us and I was looking for signs and their body language...didn’t see anything suspicious. Needless to say he was having an affair with her.

I would tell your dp you’re really not happy with what’s happening and it’s making you feel uncomfortable. He should put your feelings and relationship above anything else and stop. If he doesn’t, you know where you stand.

But please, please don’t let this continue. I’ve been there and got the divorce.

Original poster
CuriousityCatty · 08/06/2020 13:42

So...had a quick chat and he said he was a bit over the top with being worried about her and his language.

It's so difficult to know what to think. He agrees that he knows that if he messaged her she would think it was weird, that's why he wanted me to message.

I genuinely don't know if he's just being nice. He seems to be being upfront about everything Confused

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 08/06/2020 14:06

It does seem weird... Just don't contact her! Surely that should end it. Or do you think he will find another way to develop the relationship?

How would he react to you taking over with the gymnastics trips?

NeutrinoWrangler · 08/06/2020 14:26

I think I'd just have to come right out and tell him that his relationship with her (the way he speaks about her and seems to be thinking so much about her, maybe even has a crush on her) is making worrying you.

If he's a decent husband, he'll put your feelings above silly, unfounded concerns for a mere acquaintance, preferably by focusing his energies back at home.

It's possible that if he is infatuated with her, he'll still have feelings for her and end up behaving badly, but there's also a chance that this could wake him up to the direction this could be headed, thereby avoiding disaster. Or he's completely innocent, will be mortified by the very suggestion, and will reconsider how he's presenting himself to her and you.

He needs to be made fully aware that you're not comfortable. How he reacts may tell you all you need to know.

BashStreetKid · 08/06/2020 14:26

Does he explain why he's so worried about her rather than all the other single parents around? What about if she were male? Would he be so concerned and caring then?

MiddleMonth · 08/06/2020 14:26

I would be keeping a beady eye on DH in the future. It sounds like a bit of female attention has gone to his head.

NeutrinoWrangler · 08/06/2020 14:27

Er, leave out "making" in that first sentence, please.

Yeahnahmum · 08/06/2020 14:29

Your relationship is in trouble op. Wether you facilitate this meeting up with this friend or not. Your husband is way to investigated and flattered by all this. And now is backtracking.

Tell him to clear up his act. Save your relationship

Crunchymum · 08/06/2020 14:36

What I don't get @CuriousityCatty is how (and why) he has mentioned this needs to be a regular thing?

You make it sound as though he has made it an all or nothing?

Context is everything

"you should invite Carol for a playdate, maybe we could even make it a regular thing" is very different to him insisting it has to be a weekly thing!

Suzie6789 · 08/06/2020 14:40

You need to Get to the bottom of why he’s so desperate to see her. If he doesn’t have a crush its very odd behaviour that he’s so bothered about her. Quite simply why is thus his problem to solve? Does he not have many other friends?

GalwayGrowl · 08/06/2020 14:41

Fuck no.

Cloudyday123 · 08/06/2020 14:47

“ He seems to be being upfront about everything”
My ex freely told me a long time before I found out about him cheating, that his best friend asked him if he was having an affair. He seemed outraged that someone could think that of him!
Being upfront can sometimes be used to cover up, double bluff kind of thing.

Upstartcrones · 08/06/2020 14:53

Just say to him 'it sounds like you have a crush on her, do you? I'm not going to message her because it makes me feel uncomfortable'.

Then if he continues to worry about her being lonely then say she's a grown woman if she is lonely she can get her own friends herself she is not a child.

DrManhattan · 08/06/2020 15:03

Op - has he done this before??

1forAll74 · 08/06/2020 15:10

Just all go for a walk whatever, and you will be able to see how things pan out,as in body language and chat etc.. Women seem so suspicious these days, not everything is how you imagine it might be.

Nosuchluck · 08/06/2020 15:12

He's doing all the classics, mentioning her a lot, trying to involve you so it all seems above board, he's a 'rescuer'. You've just got to say it's making you feel uncomfortable and it's not for him or you both to try and sort out her troubles.

OVienna · 08/06/2020 15:31

He agrees that he knows that if he messaged her she would think it was weird, that's why he wanted me to message.

He thinks that because....something is telling him it is weird.

If it were me I would say: "I think we're both overthinking this. She's just an acquaintance and yes it might seem weird if we come across as "concerned" about her. Let's leave it for now."

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