Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DH and friend

292 replies

CuriousityCatty · 07/06/2020 21:51

I would just like some advice really as don't know whether I am overthinking or being silly.

DH and I have a acquaintance/friend whom we know from our DDs gymnastics club. We have three DDs, who all go to club a few times a week (obviously not at the moment). I am working most of the time and so DH takes them and spends a lot of time talking to this friend whilst waiting.

We haven't seen her since the beginning of lockdown but tonight DH has said that he is worried about her and wants me to invite her and her DD on a day out with us as it would be a nice thing to do. The more he spoke, the more he dug himself into a hole really. He was saying how she was so nice, would do anything for anyone and all the funny conversations they'd had, etc. If he wasn't my DH, I would have been suggesting that he should ask her out on a date. Hmm It was so uncomfortable hearing him speak like that about someone. He is very reserved and barely has time for anyone, let alone being so complimentary.

Part of me thinks I should go ahead and do as he asks, particularly if he wants us to all go out together.

The other part of me feels really uncomfortable about the whole thing. He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband SadBlush

What would you do?

OP posts:
thefourgp · 07/06/2020 23:23

@Reluctantbettlynch the OPs situation isn’t the same as yours. She isn’t saying he can’t have any female friends. She doesn’t want him to spend time with a woman he has a strong crush on. That isn’t unreasonable and it isn’t about controlling all his relationships.

Frozenfan2019 · 07/06/2020 23:24

Also agree with posters who say it's not her you should be worried about but your DH. He's the one who would be being disloyal, he's the one who made the vows. If you think he could be infatuated with another woman pleass make sure your anger is directed at him and not her.

Reluctantbettlynch · 07/06/2020 23:26

@thefourgp she doesn't know he has a crush. She's jealous and doesn't trust him.

AIMD · 07/06/2020 23:33

@Reluctantbettlynch I mean I’d be thinking it was a jealousy thing too, but the comment about the friend saying she likes him and him seeming happy she likes geeky boys (or whatever the exact phrase was) just seems to be beyond a usual new friendship. She’s talking about a change in his usual behaviour too.

I mean none of us really know, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to feel uncomfortable with the situation.

grassyhillocks · 07/06/2020 23:41

Are her DD and yours good friends with one another?

copperoliver · 08/06/2020 00:16

I would tell him how you feel and tell him he is over stepping boundaries with his women that you feel comfortable with and he needs to reign it in a bit. X

Inkpaperstars · 08/06/2020 00:34

I have to say that several women I have known who 'only have guy friends' have slept with the majority of them. Somehow that phrase rang alarm bells.

Why not say you rather keep family trips family but that if he is really worried about her you and whichever DD is friendly with hers will do a garden visit? If he really is just concerned about her, then he has no comeback. Or say you will call her and then afterwards say that is what worked best for you both and so that is what has been arranged.

However, I don't think you need to do any of the above, it would just be a way of testing his reaction. You can just say no, but whatever you do I would be giving this some thought. It seems odd.

Inkpaperstars · 08/06/2020 00:36

Actually copperoliver suggested much more mature response.

MsDogLady · 08/06/2020 06:15

He seemed so desperate about it all... I honestly would feel like I was arranging a date for my husband.

You would be. Don’t do it. He is desperate to be in her presence and is willing to hide in plain sight, right under your nose as a cover. It sounds like he is infatuated and attracted to her and they’ve developed an emotional connection.

In your shoes I would be clear with him that you are uncomfortable with the tone of their relationship and that he is crossing a line which could damage your marriage. If he dismisses your feelings and boundaries, you have a problem.

Unpeufatiguee · 08/06/2020 06:23

Ink paper stars good idea for OP to take over the 'care' aspect of this woman. So just 'ah yes - don't worry - I'll check she's ok - I can talk to other gym Mums and we will organise a socially-distanced coffee with her/text her'.

ReluctantBett the problem is some of us have done the open trusting thing and been royally fucked over. So yes then have had to get rid. But a decent partner should agree to avoid contact with a potentially disruptive person. We all stumble across attractive alternatives from time to time, but the decent ones among us, if committed to our relationship and mindful of our partner's heart and feelings (and our kids' happiness), just don't go there.

Unpeufatiguee · 08/06/2020 06:25

(anyhow the concern to 'look after her' is bollocks and aggravating in itself) (let her find her own 'geeky husband' to look after her)

ukgift2016 · 08/06/2020 06:34

Trust your gut.

Ewan McGregor did this with his younger costar, invited the woman he liked to family meals with his wife and children. It's hiding in plain sight.

Personally, I would also be stopping him taking the kids to the activities clubs where this OW will be at. Have a chat about the inappropriateness of his behaviour and feelings as a married man.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/06/2020 06:42

There’s probably been a few men she’s done this to.

Unpeufatiguee · 08/06/2020 06:44

There’s probably been a few men she’s done this to.

Yes, Fluffycloud.

Some women see others' partners as fair game.

Monty27 · 08/06/2020 06:46

You really must see what's happening right there under your nose.
Nip it in the bud OP. It's clear from outside a fog.

frazzledasarock · 08/06/2020 06:47

He’s done this before? How did that end?

It would be a no from me. Maybe one of her other guy friends, who isn’t married can go out on socially distanced dates with her.

Monty27 · 08/06/2020 06:49

There's many an experienced word on here OP including mine.
Royally fucked over is a great expression. Don't be one of us.

MsChatterbox · 08/06/2020 06:50

The first post I was a bit hmm. The second post NOPE. At best she's an ego boost for him - at worst he fancies her and is being open with you so he doesn't have to feel any shame or guilt about pursuing it. I would tell him its inappropriate and she can hang out with her other guy friends.

CallItLoneliness · 08/06/2020 06:55

Urgh, I read these threads and I am so glad that I am not English, and that my DH and I trust each other. I'm also glad that we both recognise that we cannot control each other's feelings or behaviour, only our own. OP, if you have a problem, you need to be honest about YOUR insecurities, and hopefully your DH has enough consideration for your feelings to respect them. Because that's the issue, here, not the DH having a friend he might be a bit moony eyed over. The OP isn't happy, and that matters, but the way forward is honest. open conversation, not banning and controlling behaviour.

Chimpd0g · 08/06/2020 07:15

Blimey, I wouldn’t think anything of this if it was my DH. I would be proud that he was being kind and thinking of someone who was on their own

Roselilly36 · 08/06/2020 07:16

It would be a No from me too OP. How would DH feel if you were showing such concern for a single dad at school? Would he be cool with that, I expect I know the answer!

megrichardson · 08/06/2020 07:17

Me and my exDH once 'took pity' on a woman with young children and took her with us on outings, helped out a bit etc. They ended up having an affair and from reading many of the posts above, it seems that this is not particularly uncommon. You need to talk to him firmly OP.

Beautiful3 · 08/06/2020 07:23

My husband has female friends who he meets occasionally. That's fine with me because I don't own him and trust him. I cannot make him be faithful, that's down to him. But if I heard him say all that about a woman, I would assume that he fancied her. If she said that, "she only has guy friends and likes geeky men", I would think she's flirting with him. Big red flag if she can't make female friends, only male ones. Unfortunately after the lockdown, if they meet privately you may never know. You'd have to trust him and see if he gets caught. But inviting her out with the family would be a no from me. Just say it's inappropriate.

EatDiamondsForBreakfast · 08/06/2020 07:38

@Zoecarter how clever! Grin excellent suggestion. Maybe just telling him she said no will kill this thing on its own too

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2020 07:42

Christ, I’d just say sure and invite her, get to know her. I really don’t get this lack of trust people have in their partners. If he was going to try to shag her the last thing he’d do is ask you to invite her, he’d do it himself and somewhere you weren’t present.

Swipe left for the next trending thread