To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

Ooft, I would be changing that immediately.

Salary into your own account, then put your share of bills etc. into the joint account. Save whatever you want (ideally have your own account in your name) and spend the rest of it on whatever the hell you want.

There are alarm bells ringing here.

Our relationship is ok in general. It has been impacted by baby and lockdown but we still love each other. I think we are both a bit bored though and this issue plays into that.

He is not saving for anything really, just ‘the future’.

He loves his job and it is very secure. His earnings will increase but slowly and will never be close to mine. He does not feel at all bothered by me earning more because he really loves his job

Yes, that needs to go. If you're to have a relationship with such different attitudes to finances and spending, once you've got past the stage of having a few months of expenses put by for an emergency you should have separate savings accounts.

To be clear, I have nothing against baked beans ha! But I do appreciate quality food and people who are skilled at making it. He doesn’t get that which is a shame but I guess I have to live with that

@Finerthingsplease honestly all these normally slightly irksome issues are hugely magnified by lockdown. If you read through some threads on here, there's plenty stuck with some absolute assholes ( cheating, watching porn, bullying, criticising, sapping their confidence). So kill the guy if he likes fish fingers instead of gourmet dining. If you get on well otherwise and and you love each other just enjoy your nice things and leave him to whatever he likes.

We have joint account because I guess that has always been my perception of married life.... I am happy to share my salary with him so I guess that’s why we did it

My fiancé feels exactly the same as your DH about flowers and I can honestly say it doesn't bother me at all. We are 2 different people and don't have to like the same things.

I know my husband not fancying a wine and cheese nice is hardly a big issue......but it’s these little things that made me realise the bigger issue about me stopping doing the things I liked which has crept up on me

It sounds draining and it spoils your fun. Is everything else ok? I'd have a serious conversation with him.

Completely see where you're coming from. Your interests dont match up, you want to enjoy things with your husband but he doesn't want to.

All I can think of is finding other people to enjoy those things with.

@Finerthingsplease do you have friends or relatives with similar interests? I love going for nice meals with my friends and my sister and having a good chat over nice food and wine

@Finerthingsplease

We have joint account because I guess that has always been my perception of married life.... I am happy to share my salary with him so I guess that’s why we did it

There's nothing at all wrong with having a joint account but I would always make sure you have your own savings too. You never know what might happen and when you might need immediate access to your own cash.

I can do these things with others but income disparity is an issue amongst friends. We go out for a drink or two but lots of them wouldn’t be able to afford a weekly restaurant meal (I don’t mean that in a braggy way). I go out with my mum quite a bit

Oh God! No way! Luckily my partner is a bit snobbish so we only enjoy the finer things most of the time! Shop @ John Lewis, enjoy luxury holidays abroad etc luckily we both have high paid jobs so we can do this but yea we're used to it now and no going back!!

Well I think there is a difference between buying scallops (for example) as opposed to eating fish fingers. They are more expensive and definitely a treat. And definitely yummy!

I think it’s a massive shame that her DH cannot grow up a bit and try something new for pleasure and to please his wife.,I don’t find the things op has described as particularly fine and therefore I don’t think she should feel guilty and her DH certainly could enjoy her fairly ordinary taste if he wanted to. He doesn’t, comments about very ordinary purchases, and produces expenditure pie charts which is controlling behaviour. If I was the op I would just buy what she wants. It’s not expensive and she can afford it. It’s not very “fine” at all and perhaps this is an issue. I would view it as ordinary expenditure and most of our friends would do the same.

Who, on a high income, gets grief for spending £5 on flowers? I didn’t give my DH grief for buying Porsche’s. Good choice I said. Well done. You deserved that car. Now what about those diamond earrings I like?

It’s fine to have a joint account but the way you’ve done it sets him up to be the boss of finances, and by extension he feels he has a right to comment on what you spend your money on. The balance needs redressing, and quite urgently so, to put you equal to him.

Money from the work you do should come into your account and you should be responsible for allocating it, and then you should leave yourself a fripperies fund. He is not your boss - he should not be giving you an allowance.

The point is that I should think we all have partners and are hoping for some companionship. The op has already started doing that to share activities she enjoys. This sounds like the solution, but when you get to this stage I think you have to ask yourself if is this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
My ex would never drink at home, but would go to the opening of an envelope. Everytime I had another glass of wine he would say ' having another one?' It spoilt the treat for me.
There was no companionship in our relationship either and I used to find that with friends instead, but it is not really the answer to the problem.

My DP is the same and it can get tedious. If fact my DP is far worse than yours - he won't even have a coffee from a cafe as he sees it as a waste. We only ever eat once or twice a year, and then it would have to be somewhere quite cheap and cheerful. In normal times I just ignore him and do what I want, I earn my own money so he doesn't get to tell me how to spend it, but I am quite frugal too. If I was splashing out a lot on stuff it would cause arguments because he just sees it as wrong. My dad is like this too, so perhaps I am able to handle it or even drawn to the familarity of it. It's something you have to find ways of accepting if you want to stay with him. He won't change - it runs deep.

We both like different things we both enjoy our own music, we both love a curry at our favourite curry house but it’s a treat once a year or so, he has his things I have mine. Enjoy your stuff without him him.

So in other words:

You get paid.

You transfer money into joint household account to cover monthly bills and general expenses.

You transfer money into savings accounts (some of which needs to be solely in your name so you can access it whenever you need to, whatever the circumstances).

You keep what’s leftover as your rightful share of the money you have earth.

*earnt

Find some good food and fine wine friends. Do this stuff with your existing friends. Join a wine club, go to tastings, or go on a course.

View it as your hobby.

As for stuff in the house; nicer dinners, flowers, just get on with it, smile serenly and say that it gives you pleasure. He does not need to share or understand your pleasure in these things. You don't understand his pleasure in frugality. You understand its utility but don't share the kick and satisfaction it gives him.

Oh god, my dad is like this. Subjected my mum to years of misery due to his sheer tight-fisted ideals. He won’t go to a restaurant, won’t buy anything excessive beyond the very basics. He’s a fucking pain. Mum wishes she’d just had the courage of her convictions & divorced him years ago. Men like this don’t change unfortunately. They get worse

That’s just existing! It’s awful. Surely there’s something you can enjoy together that costs a bit? Why do you have to cook at home all the time?

I agree with lottie
Maybe having children has encouraged him to be frugal. If you've a baby, you may be glad in future years that you've saved the money he could have spent! (As long as he doesn't stop you going out with your friends.)