To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

He doesn't sound so bad to me. It's disappointing when your partner doesn't share your interest, but not LTB territory.

Can you find a friend who appreciates these things to spend more time with? (Post lock down obviously). If he's happy at home with his fish fingers- leave him there! Go out and have a blast with someone else.

I married someone like this....he took me for a "lovely meal" that's he'd banged on about for weeks....to the local shitty pub that made average (at best) food.
He knew I liked a particular restaurant so told me to book it for my birthday. Once there, he moaned the soup wasn't hot enough (it was, but it's served at the right temperature to eat NOW not in 5 minutes with copious huffing because you've nuked it to death!) and then moaned that the portions were too small and basically ruined my birthday meal. Then he complained it cost too much money.
He refused to contribute to anything I bought for our baby. I paid for everything with help from my parents and asked him to buy an aural thermometer for £40. He did but moaned constantly.
I divorced him.

How did you not filter him out sooner? I would have dumped a boyfriend like this why on earth did you marry him?!

What's retirement going to look like? Not much fun.
I don't think you are a good match anymore.

I could have written this post. We live in a town with a lot of nice restaurants but we rarely go out for a meal and when we do it always has to be an Indian or a pub that does Thai, or occasionally one of the chain Italians, because he won't shell out for one of the nicer places, even though we can well afford it.

I definitely think he is getting worse with age. For example, we were watching a programme the other night about the Rocky Mountaineer train trip in Canada, which I know he would love. I pointed out that since we haven't been able to go away anywhere or spend money on anything except groceries for the last few months we could spend the money saved on a RM trip when coronavirus is out of the way. Oh no, that's too expensive, and yet we did a number of expensive long-haul trips when we were younger, and our finances are no worse now than they were then.

It's a difficult one. You're both entitled to an opinion and there's nothing intrinsically wrong with him holding the views he does. Neither of you has the right to change the other.

Often, when couples have really different feelings on things like food, entertainment etc, it works out because they just pursue those interests with other people. So under ordinary circumstances, you might just as easily go and enjoy expensive restaurants with a friend who shares your passion, and it wouldn't bother you that he prefers a takeaway pizza because he could just stay in and chill and do that. But because of lockdown, differences are magnified as you don't have the same access to pursuit of interests outside the relationship.

If it's going to work, there needs to be give and take, but sometimes people just have views on lifestyle that are too divergent. It doesn't necessarily mean anyone's done anything wrong. You need to think as well about whether an agreement to not criticise certain things is going to be enough for you if you know the other person isn't on board deep down.

What does he think you should spend spare money on?

He sounds very much like my father. My poor mum was ground down by 60 years of his miserly ways. Me and my sister have childhood memories of being miserable and hungry on days out to the seaside because he'd make us walk all over town (often in the rain) to find a place where chips were 1/2 a penny cheaper. Really.

Wow so many comments!

He has got worse with age. I used to like how he was financially savvy and sorted everything out. Now I feel like it’s all he thinks about. It has got worse since we’ve got more money, weirdly!

We have a child, we get on in most ways. It just occurred to me recently that I had stopped doing things I enjoyed and this is why.

Nothing wrong with being careful with money, but when it takes all the joy out of life there has to be a limit. There are no pockets in shrouds.

I couldn't live like this. I'd recommend separate accounts then you can spend your money how you like without someone commenting on your purchases. Let him be a miser.

He saves all spare money

Is it imperative that he feels the same way about the things you enjoy, or would you be ok with him simply having a view but keeping it to himself?

You are right that I need to do these things with other people when that is possible again. I know it bothers my mum - she sees me hesitate to buy things when we are out together shopping/eating and she knows it’s because of him

Does he earn well compared to the national average or is he in a career where he’s reached the limit?
To be fair I wouldn’t spend £60 on wine- does he have anything he likes to splurge on? Holidays?

Princess - it taints my enjoyment because I know what he is thinking, he doesn’t even have to say it!

So he's not actually complaining...you just think he's unhappy. Find something more important to worry about seriously.

I know what you mean, OP. My DH has very 'simple' tastes. If I ask what he would like for dinner, he always says 'pie, chips and beans'. He would have baked beans every night unless I say it's just green vegetables tonight. He doesn't like most of the food I like, such as chicken and fish. We eat different food most nights.

He earns well over average and has a good career. I am a very high earner (to be brutally honest)

Then yeh he’s penny pinching - i’d hate that, live a miserable existence to retire at 49...why?!

I can understand that a lot of the problem is that you’re being deprived of the chance to do and enjoy things together, but I do hope that you do have your own personal account, and that not all money is shared.

I would start by taking back control of your finances.

I used to be married to someone like that. Note the verb used.

We share everything but a year or so ago we decided to have an allowance each for fun, frivolous stuff and to buy each other presents. He doesn’t spend his except for my birthday and Christmas. So his actually goes in our savings, whereas I spend all of mine, mainly on haircuts, clothes, books, nice things for me.

Yes, when lockdown is over, widen your circle of friends and share these experiences with them.