To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

I know it does sound weird when I write it down but its basic classic stuff - jeans/chinos and a shirt. They're not identifiable as old clothes or somebody else's. It's probably preferable to the alternative of him choosing his own to be honest!

Why do you need his approval to do or buy things that give you pleasure, spending money that you have earned?

Because the op wishes to have her husband not criticising all the time. It’s not seeking approval for everything: it’s the weariness that comes looks and disapproval over very simple everyday purchases that don’t agree with his philosophy. Most married couples don’t live like this.

OP earns 2.5 x times what her husband does, can you imagine the boot on the other foot if she pursed her lips every time her husband the big breadwinner bought something. Turning miserly behaviour into a virtue is cock eyed.

She is the main breadwinner he needs to get over it.

Earning more does not make you the boss of finances nor give you the right to Lord it over the other person and tell them to suck it up when it comes to spending or how money is allocated. It’s not the income level that puts the DH firmly in the wrong.

Incomes are entirely irrelevant. It is family money regardless of who directly earns it.

There is plenty of money so no need for anybody to be making any kind of point about quite reasonable spending.

If you pay into the joint account to cover all expenses, mortgage, food, utilities, then if you are the high earner what you do with the rest is your own money not to be frowned upon, tutted by the other person. You have done your bit if you want to buy something frivolous then good for you.

@justasking111

If you pay into the joint account to cover all expenses, mortgage, food, utilities, then if you are the high earner what you do with the rest is your own money not to be frowned upon, tutted by the other person. You have done your bit if you want to buy something frivolous then good for you.

This notion really would not be supported if it was the man who was the breadwinner. It just wouldn't.

My dh earns 2.5 times what I do. We both pay equal amounts into a joint account and then he keeps the rest of his wages to spend on whatever he wants - nice meals out, wine, haircuts etc.

People would be outraged because it's considered family money that they should have joint access to. Why does that change because the woman is the higher earner?

My DH has been the higher earner since the kids arrived, he said they came first so for a few years my career took a back seat. I was a SAHM mum until youngest was five so 8 years out of work. I had to retrain but still stayed part time because OH self employed. He paid mortgage elec./utility bills, I paid for all the nice things. He knew I did not put myself first so never queried what I did with my salary which was for children, etc.

What I had was nouse, so when he had piled up enough money because he was not careless with it was find an investment to put it in. In the early years it was shares which I followed very carefully as time went on it was property. So you could say I was his investment advisor.

Marriage is a partnership you use all your strengths to improve things with your partner putting on the brakes when necessary. If he ever pouted because I bought some flowers which make me smile he would be in a heap of trouble. The second I see daffodils in the shops the signal for spring they are on my kitchen windowsill.

That's true. Doing a lower-paid job one regards as virtuous and finds satisfying does not give one the right to be a sanctimonious bore, or to direct and restrict the ordinary and affordable dining, relaxation and pleasure-seeking activities of other adults in the household.

The big question now, is whether he is someone who believes habitual behaviour is something that can be changed, with conscious effort, or the kind of person (and there are plenty of them) who believe behaviour is immutable, just part of how someone is and not something for which they are really responsible.

He seems to get it, OP, though he will probably never participate enthusiastically. You need a shopping friend, I think. One person can never bring everything you need - that's what friends are for.

What he can do is switch off the negativity when he sees what you've bought. I think that's what's bringing you down.

You could say to him, "I work hard, I earn well, I save wisely and I like to spend occasionally on things I like that bring me joy. Is there a reason you want to take the small joys out of my life? I'd like you to stop doing that in future. If you find yourself tempted to sneer or scoff at some treat I've bought myself, I'd prefer you to voice it honestly by saying,

'Darling, I can see you've treated yourself and seeing your joy makes me feel miserable and mean, so I intend to spoil this for you.'

If that truly isn't your intention, you just need to smile whenever I treat myself to something nice."

That should work if he loves you.

Yes to everything Granny said. Say that exact thing to him every time he makes a comment or raises an eyebrow.

@NearlyGranny - that is brilliant. So blunt.

Agreed that is a brilliant way to phrase it, thank you!