To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

I strongly recommend separate finances, and for you to ‘take back control’ of your money. Have your salary paid into your own current account, not the joint account. Work out with your DH a fair way to split the amounts each of you should pay into the joint account each month to cover the mortgage, household bills, groceries etc etc. We do it 50/50 but we don’t have as large an income disparity as you.

Then the remainder of both of your salaries are your own for each of you to spend, save or set fire to as you see fit. As long as you are covering your fair share of household expenditure, what you choose to do with the rest of your money is none of his business, and vice-versa.

You are entitled to spend £60 on wine & £5 on flowers. He is entitled to see this as a waste of money. Neither of you is wrong, so agree to differ and structure your finances to enable you to do what you want without feeling guilty.

That’s just existing! It’s awful.
Lots of people don't have much money and still have a happy life! Plenty of people don't go out for meals. The issue isn't the lack of spending, it's the different attitudes.

You transfer money into savings accounts (some of which needs to be solely in your name so you can access it whenever you need to, whatever the circumstances).

As can the DH - which means he can empty the account without OP's say so. Separate savings accounts are ALWAYS sensible. You never know how someone might behave in the event of a divorce or similar.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/joint-accounts

"If one of the account holders takes money out of the joint account, there aren’t many options for getting it back."

Are you more middle class than your DH?

Yy re wine clubs etc. You'll surely get much more pleasure out of sharing your love of wine and restaurants with like minded people than with someone who you know views it differently and who you're resenting for their feelings.

People like what they like. I've turned down evenings in michelin starred restaurants (where I would be paid for) as I didn't like anything on the menu and I don't like pretentious food, which is often what is offered.

I have also enjoyed extremely expensive kobe beef, love oysters and shellfish but prefer crab to the more expensive lobster and enjoy whelks more than langoustines.

I don't like wine so wouldn't enjoy a wine tasting event.

It's not necessarily about enjoying the 'finer things' in life but enjoying what you do. And if I (or anyone) would enjoy a pizza more than a 12 course taster menu costing £200 it's a no brainer to suggest the pizza makes more sense to spend money on. That's not frugality, that's just realising that the latter would be a waste of money for that individual.

That’s just existing! It’s awful. Surely there’s something you can enjoy together that costs a bit? Why do you have to cook at home all the time?

Don't be silly. Plenty of people live like that and have perfectly enjoyable lives. You don't need to spend money to have fun.

Yes...my point exactly.

He is not saving for anything really, just ‘the future’

Well if you still love each other but have just got a bit bored, and the baked beans are grating on you in lockdown, I'd starting having a few conversations about what does that future look like, when will it be, what will you be doing together in it, could you do any of it now given we are a long time dead.

You need something in common more than a bank balance.

Hmm I see this both ways. It's a shame you dont share those interests but as long as he isn't stopping you or ruining it by complaining, I don't see what more he can do. He doesn't have to get involved for you to justify doing it. Order the nice wine if you want - that's more for you!

On the food you are being a bit UR. He likes what he likes. I like take away pizza too, and the cost doesn't come in to it. I'm not a picky eater but some "high class" foods I don't like. I'd rather pay double for a take away pizza than eat oysters and caviar for free, in fact I wouldn't eat them if you paid me.

Yes, I'm not sure how doing a wine tasting you don't want is somehow a more meaningful and pleasurable existence than eating the takeaway pizza you enjoy. People need to understand that theirs are not the only values.

“...whereas I spend all of mine, mainly on haircuts, clothes, books, nice things for me.“

Perhaps he sees you buying a lot of stuff and thinks why, she already has fourteen handbags, twenty pairs of shoes, eight winter coats, the library is just down the road, why is she wasting money on that stuff she doesn’t need?

Sometimes one partner gets worse in his direction when you get worse in yours, eg dad is strict and mum isn’t and the more she isn’t strict the stricter he gets to make up for it etc (I know that’s slightly different but it’s a good example)?

Have you any idea what your pension is? I’m asking because I just got my statement and it’s frighteningly low. TBH I don’t know how I am going to manage. Perhaps he’s trying to put a bit by knowing how little pensions pay and just thinks you are wasting money on tat you don’t need but want, as men generally have just a couple of each of the things we have multiples of! And their haircuts cost a fiver but ours cost £140 incl colour every six weeks. Perhaps he just doesn’t get it because of the difference in cost? He thinks your wasteful?

Ask him about your pension if he deals with that or ask your employer or get a statement. After you’ve seen that think about whether it will be enough. That may explain why he’s frugal?

You can do what you want with your money but you need to talk about this stuff or you’ll be single either because you can’t hack his frugality or because he can’t hack your attitude to spending. Just talk and compromise.

Sounds miserable to me.
I'd be looking for a separation.

He does know that he can't take it with him when he goes - right?

Like - he can't grind up all his monies and have it stuffed into his coffin and buried with him.
Miserable bastard.

Am I more middle class? No, about the same but his family are super frugal and loaded. My family spend my money, we always grew up going to restaurants etc.

What does he spend money on? Nothing. The occasional computer game maybe. He wears my Dads cast off clothes (my Dad is stylish and likes clothes) !! Gosh, that is quite embarrassing actually

The other thing you coud do, to keep yourself sane on the money front, is to set up a budget line, or even a bank account, as 'your leisure fund'. He can have one too of course.

I find that if money is budgeted for, then all you have to worry about is going over budget (in that month or that year, as you might know it will even out over the months. Do keep track). That removes the sense of extravagance with each bit of spending. In fact It swaps it around to satisfaction; as you're getting something lovely and staying within budget.

Wanting to eat toddler food is a particular preference that gives him pleasure. Don't ignore that fact. There is better, cheaper or equally cheap food.

@Ninkanink

Yes...my point exactly.

Sorry, totally misread your post

I understand your frustration OP. I would find this deeply off-putting. Frugality when it's not financially necessary makes me think a person is likely to be emotionally and sexually stingy too - as though pleasure itself needs to be kept under tight control.

Stop asking permission or consulting him because doing so will suck the joy out of everything. Buy lovely flowers and wine. If he comments that they are a waste of money, challenge this: Is your pleasure of no value? Does what gives you joy in life have no importance to him? He needs to respect and sometimes indulge your values as you have respected and indulged his. As long as you are financially secure - what's the harm? Clichés I know, but you do only live once and you can't take it with you.

Go halves on how you live - half the time you get to enjoy more indulgent food, drink, flowers etc and half the time, live on beans on toast.That could be a happy compromise.

He will gets worse over time, when it comes to retirement he will be some entrenched in frugality he won’t all of a sudden be able to start spending. I’ve seen it over and over again. I think you have to be firm with him.

What would he like to be spending money on? Or if he think you should save, given you've already said you have plenty of savings, what is he saving for?

So your saying you can halve your expenses on luxury goods ?.

Fillet steak for you, fish fingers for him. You won’t even have to buy branded by the sounds of it.

I have a zoo for sale if you would rather invest in that?

Elieza - I don’t spend much! I said it was 4% of our income. I don’t accumulate stuff but I do buy expensive things and have to dress well in my job. Books are never a waste of money, imo.

He looks after my pensions. I am ashamed to say I’m not sure what my contributions are, but I am sure they will be as high as possible!

My husband has just read this with me and wants to stick his ore in.

He says maybe given that you earn more than your husband, perhaps he feels a little inadequate and perhaps trying to control the money is the only way he knows to make himself feel better about it?

As long as he doesn't stop you - and I would be saying about certain things "Please stop commenting about the flowers, you're ruining my enjoyment" - I would just see the shopping, wining and restauranting as a hobby you do with friends, not with DH.

My sibling is like this, lives like they are extremely poor, waters down hand soap, shampoo, beans etc, I thinks mean spirited and probably due to some deep rooted self loathing. I couldn’t live like that. I feel for their kids.

Op I think that he is sucking joy from your marriage, do you have fun together?