To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

Thanks everyone for input.

To answer some questions - no I probably don’t know exactly where all the money is. I have an account which my allowance goes into. For clarity, it’s 4% of our total income. I don’t care that he doesn’t spend his.

To be honest, we’re at the stage where I don’t see a need for huge savings. I’m not interested in early retirement and I want to live my life now.

He doesn’t moan about childcare expenses or clothes etc but he tracks every single penny spent in a tracker and sends me the finished pie chart at the end of each month!

Lockdown probably is exasperating things

If your not puting a strain on your finances and he's not being a nag or argumentative about it, I would say just do your thing. If I could afford the finer things without unbalanicg our finances, I definitely would. We are only around once, what the heck. Enjoy!

Why do you get an allowance, and why is it only 4% of the total family income?

I’d never agree to not actually knowing exactly where all of my joint money with someone else is!

You really need to take some control of your finances! And why the hell is an allowance paid into your account for you?? Does your salary not go into your own account? I would change that...

Allowance is our individual fun money

That's so much like us! Though I barely earn, so don't have as much leverage as you!

We compromise. We do quite a lot of cheap and cheerful stuff, and then splash out occasionally on something I choose. I'd like us to buy better quality items for each other as presents, but he really doesn't appreciate when I buy him something special- can't look after it, doesn't notice it's special. And he can't choose anything extra nice for me. So that one's gone by the board!

Stand up for what you want, tell him beforehand 'I'm spending a lot on this because I want it to be nice. Don't put me off by saying something about it'.

Salaries into joint account and then put into ISAs etc

I grew up in a household like this. My parents were very comfortably off but the heating was only on if it was literally freezing outside, telephone calls were after 6pm and timed with an egg timer, we sat in darkness to eat in the evening etc. It was a typical ant rather than a grasshopper existence - and it's really difficult to shake off (I am 50 and have really tried). My ex was so tight fisted that he's never paid a penny for DD so I obviously found "my level" there, but more worryingly I have unwittingly brought DD up with the same approach. She's very generous (bought me a washing machine last year for Mother's Day), but yesterday I was going shopping after work and asked if she wanted anything. She did, but "only if they're on sale". They weren't and I knew better than to buy a full price Danish pastry because she wouldn't have had the same pleasure eating it.

The point is that my early years with her were penny pinching - working full time, no maintenance, she was in private school (my choice). Once a pattern is established, it's really hard to break. On a positive note, after retirement, my parents went quite wild with redecorating and going on holiday, eating out several times a week etc, so they reaped the benefits from the years of frugality.

OP,
You sound very passive.
His disapproval of things you like has changed your behaviour.

I would be very concerned that you may be moving into a controlling relationship.

Your mother being worried about this is very telling.

You earn lots of money and he's controlling it.

Have you basically handed over control of your money?

This is an extremely unwise decision.

I couldn't imagine how awful life would be with someone who only care about money.

60 on wine is nothing to spend.

I would be very pissed off having him rain on any little treat in my life.

He has become more controlling about YOUR income since you've gotten married....

I would first have a good hard look at your life, your access to your finances.

I would look and having my salary paid into my account and a separate joint accounts for everything that is shared.

You are either happy with this bullshit or you or not.

Meanness is an awful trait.

He could keep you on the tightest budget for years and walk off with half of everything.

Be careful.

Maybe you should sit down and have a chat to him about how this is making you feel and that you feel your relationship would be better if he could try and compromise about these things and enjoy them with you.

I agree with the PP - what exactly is he saving for?

Quite honestly, it's horrible to watch someone who's got money as they begrudge spending any of it. I completely understand what you mean, that his attitude is stopping you from enjoying spending your own money. Your poor mum, too - I feel for her.

The only good thing about this is that if you decide to split up, you'll be able to cope financially and won't have the restrictions that so many other women have.

43 years married to a man like this. It does irk. However, he retired before 60 is rolling in money, saves his state pension. When he has a moan about my spending on presents for family grand children not myself I remind him of his one extravagance his boat. Which cost a lot of money and costs 4k per annum marina fees plus all the extra costs. He has a private pension sitting there he has not touched yet so when he moans about being broke I remind him of that.

The irony is I do his tax returns so once a year see just how much he has stashed away. It is a silly game he plays. He grew up with wealthy parents so never wanted for anything this miserliness is quite odd. He moans when our children now grown, married with kids have a splurge on holidays, treats. He thinks them feckless. I tell him it is none of his business.

If you earn a lot more, put it into a separate account. I really would hate someone tracking expenditure like that when there’s no need. In fact it’s controlling behaviour. It’s not ok.

I’d change that.

Salary into your personal account, then you take charge of allocating it.

What are his savings for?

My FIL was miserly because he was saving up either for retirement or for the children.

When it got to retirement he wouldn't spend it on that either. Then it was for the children's inheritance. But he wouldn't do proper investments so while yes he saved a lot, a proper investment plan would have doubled it.

And if his then adult children asked for any money they didn't get it because 'it was being saved'.

When he did become terminally ill, all those 'savings' paid for a nice nursing home for him. Which was good because we wanted him to be cared for but it wasn't the bloody point for 80 years!

The mantra of saving became so strong he couldn't see the wood for the trees, his children grew up and left home, had children of their own, he and MIL were well into their retirement but still no money could be spent because 'saving'.

I'd start asking him what the savings are there for, you are supposed to be working as a team after all.

My DH has sometimes said I spend too much but he’s the one who has had several new Porsche cars! One recently. So who has spent the most? Not me.

Everyone is so quick to say get rid of husbands. It's not the worse sin in the world for him to be happier with simple things. It would be worse if he was living outside his means and drumming up debt. Unless he's actually stopping you from doing things I don't see it as more than a mild annoyance. Most men have their annoying traits as do women. Maybe he's traditional and doesn't like the idea of spending your money if he earns less and couldn't afford them otherwise. I'd just ignore and carry on doing and buying what I like.

I would say, just carry on doing the things that give you pleasure, and leave your Husband to his own thoughts about this issue. I am a bit like your Husband. It's nothing to do with the fact that you have the funds, and that you like a few treats. your Husband just views things in a different way to you.

I would stop worrying about how you know he views all these things.

The only answer (for me) would be to tell him exactly how you're feeling. Once he knows that his comments and "jokes" and general attitude are draining your joy in life, surely he'll at least agree to try to make you happier by shutting his mouth.

If you need company to enjoy the finer things, you'll have to find someone with whom to indulge. Sadly, it might not be him, if he doesn't fully appreciate it.

As for not doing things because just thinking about his probable opinion discourages you, that comes down to you. You'll have to train yourself to not consider his opinion. So long as you're within your "fun allowance", it's none of his concern.

You can't really expect him to change who he is. You could ask him to try to enjoy these things, but it probably won't go well, and more than if he asked you to prefer "toddler food" to a fancy meal in a restaurant. He should be able to stop commenting, but if you've already internalised his "jokes" and are well aware of his thoughts, it's not easy to pretend you don't.

Does he enjoy his job? Maybe he doesn't like to waste money he earns doing something he'd rather not do.

Is he anxious about security in old age?

Is he generally anxious and find controlling the money comforting?

Those are the reasons my DH is the same about money and things.

(By the way, DH likes the sound of the pie chart and thinks your DH sounds like a 'top bloke'!)

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

Mmm.... if he never wants to do nice things that would be very wearing. On the other hand I am very careful with money and also think that 60 quid on wine and 5 quid on flowers is a waste of money.
I was brought up very frugally and it's ingrained.
However, you've agreed to your "frivolities" budget. If he doesn't want to spend his, that's his business but you should be free to spend yours on whatever you want without him moaning about it.

It sounds a bit of a miserable existence. You enjoy the "finer things" and he basically spoils it for you with his attitude. He won't change ever. If I were you, I would look around for a like-minded friend or relative who also enjoys, fine-dining, wine, whatever... and spend your budget and time with them.
But if you can't enjoy things in the relationship it doesn't bode well. Maybe you're just not compatible.

Unfortunately I don't think he will change.

You can accept this though and continue to do whatever it is you want to do with your money, enjoy living without feeling guilty for it because you have earned it.

I would find his 'jokes' unnecessary and rude though and would tell him. Surely as an adult he can keep his comments to himself and be polite. It's worth telling him to stop being jokey because it's not uplifting you and making you unhappy. I'm also wondering whether he puts you down in other ways as well with his 'jokes'.

how is your relationship in general OP? do you love him? fancy him? have fun together? how do you feel about the future?

I don’t think the op is asking for the finer things.

I think people are saying finer things because that's the phrase OP herself uses bubblesbuddy. Personally, looking at the examples she gives, I don't view having a mooch around the shops as one of the finer things, or even remotely desirable. I hate shopping. But seemed easier and more constructive just to go along with the terminology OP has chosen, rather than dissect whether complicated recipes are inherently more valuable/treatworthy than baked beans.

Just to be clear, we don’t have separate savings but he manages them.

I don’t think he is controlling, it’s just his frugality has got worse and his attitude has rubbed off on me so that I question all spending.

I agree that I need to get login details to all accounts so I have better control over the,