To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

YANBU - In your position I would enjoy the finer things too. You are not talking about buying things that are super extravagant in the scheme of things.
My DH has similarities, he is obsessed with making money and spends an inordinate amount of time researching stocks and shares. He says it’s all for our retirement but I feel it is at the expense of our marriage because it’s all he focuses on. He isn’t a miser though luckily. He is a good man overall but I feel it has distanced us.
I can see your DH’s attitude would be very tedious to live with. Can I ask if other areas of your life together are good? Does he have lot’s of good points that help to make up for this trait? The main thing is how unhappy is this one aspect of his character making you? I think you need to weigh things up.

If you’re working just tell him that you are allowing yourself a little treat out of your own money and that you deserve it. If he complains then tell him to sod off .

How is he with spending relating to your child (and possible future children)?

How much input and access do you have regarding the savings and investments? Is he in sole charge of the decision making?

Are your finances held totally jointly or do you have an account with access to cash which is totally yours?

I'm unsure if I could be in a relationship with someone who appears to disapprove of my spending to the degree he does OP, especially if I was bringing in the better portion of it...

My DH doesn’t have any interest in food or drinking so I eat out with friends and drink at home when I want to (not often as I’m nothing that bothered). Luckily, there are plenty of other areas in our lives where we do share common goals.

I think if you are hoping he’ll change and share your interests, you’ll likely be very disappointed.

Why are you together? There must be some common ground and mutual interests that brought you together in the first place?

If you feel he’s changing his underlying character and you no longer enjoy your time spent together or share common goals, then maybe it’s time to part ways?

I think you need to stand your ground and freely state "I work hard, we are financially sound I am going to enjoy life today doing things that give me joy"

Lol he literally sounds like me....

Is it possible he feels uncomfortable spending money because you earn so much more than him? Other than that perhaps you could join a dining club (if there is such a thing!) or online wine-tasting group so you can develop and share your interests elsewhere. I'm sure there are other things you can enjoy with your husband. Does he like to travel?

Have you actually got view on your finances? I would make sure you do know about savings, mortgage, shares and so on...

For all you know he could be squirrelling away into accounts that you know nothing about and wouldn't get declared if you ever divorce!

@Finerthingsplease

Princess - it taints my enjoyment because I know what he is thinking, he doesn’t even have to say it!

That is quite a lot you're wanting then, not just for him to keep quiet but to not have an opinion at all and go along with trips together to expensive restaurants when it's not actually what he wants to do. It seems to be more than he's asking of you. You don't say anything to suggest he's making his feelings known non-verbally either.

I would try and ride it out until lockdown ends so you have more access to people outside the relationship to enjoy the finer things with. But if this is still as much of a problem when things go back to normal, I'd wonder how compatible the two of you are.

If you don’t think divorce is the best option, then I would look to find like minded friends. I have to say I couldn’t be with someone like this.

My DH and I are in our 60s. He’s developed an interest in having nice things. He’s actually gone the other way, and can afford it. His family were very frugal and didn’t know how to enjoy themselves. Always knew the cost of everything but the value of nothing. It is draining to be around people who just want plain and simple and cannot derive pleasure from something better. They simply don’t develop as people. In your case, op, it’s worse as he’s regressing. I cannot imagine what the future will be for you. So think about how you can improve things for yourself.

My DH isn’t keen on ballet and opera (I’m a friend at the Royal Opera House) but we enjoy Michelin starred restaurants (yes they are worth it) and good wine. I simply couldn’t be with a kill joy.

You mentioned him getting older and turning into his parents . This is probably the crux of the matter.
As my dh gets older he is getting more entrenched in his reactions to things he likes and dislikes and isnt easily swayed.He will go with the majority if we are in a group situation but will be cool about the outcome if its not what he prefers. I think its just a older man thing.

He has never been a fan of food per se. He likes some things but doesnt see the reason why one would eat something just because you fancy it. He rarely fancies anything edible. So he is very happy with fish fingers and beans and doesnt place any value on restaurant meals .Not because of the price as he is a generous person and will pay for everyones meals but because its all just food to him . Sandwich or filet mignon - all the same.
So I have my own money in a different bank account and use it for meals out with friends etc . For home I buy whatever I want and cook separate meals which is a compromise that works for us.
I buy my own drinks too since I chop and change so wouldnt expect anyone else to know what Im into at any one time.
But in all other aspects we tend to agree. Child rearing, holidays, home decor .All is fine so he is 'allowed' to have this foible and I have mine.

So you've got your own money that you're spending on the things that you like but he's saving his personal allowance? He's allowed to do that isn't he? It's his personal allowance to spend how he likes right? And he's choosing to save it. Why is that a problem to you?

You're acting like the only way to enjoy life is your way. He isnt stopping you from doing what you enjoy, he just doesn't enjoy them. Why don't his likes and dislikes matter too?

@Finerthingsplease maybe your dh is saving money so you can both enjoy an earlier retirement and/or have a more comfortable life when you do retire!

My husband would spend every penny he gets. I put some savings in his name and the first thing he said when he got the bank statement was “can I just take that out and use it towards a new car?” Whereas I am more like your dh and prefer frugality. I get my enjoyment by getting the “best deals” on the things I buy! To be honest, even if I won the lottery, I would still enjoy getting things cheaper!

I imagine a big part of the problem is you've been stuck home with him for 12+ weeks and you have nobody else to go out and enjoy yourself with.

But if you have money, then just spend it. I'd never let DH tell me I couldn't buy something with my own money. It's clear you guys earn well and that bills etc. aren't a problem so just do it. Let him have an attitude all he wants, but don't let it stop you.

I don’t think the op is asking for the finer things. For most people I know, she wants ordinary things! £60 on wine (I assume several bottles for a tasting) isn’t excessive for a high earner. We did a lock down wine tasting and it was very enjoyable.

Op, he’s agreed to a frivolities allowance, that’s your green light to stop worrying about it.
Find a ladies gourmet lunch club or join the wine society and attend their tastings. Join a health club with a spa and enjoy yourself. I honestly think he doesn’t mind, he’s just not the same as you.
Allow him to be who he is but don’t deny yourself.

I totally get this. You need some lovely girlfriends who appreciate nice restaurants and splashing on excellent wine or gin. And the theatre and luxury weekends away. Then it wouldn't be quite so annoying that DH doesn't enjoy the same things as you. But now in lockdown everything is magnified.

Life is to short it is great to have savings but you can't take it all when you die.
He needs to find a balance.

I'm the penny-pinching sort, when I'm on my own: I'm a plain eater, reluctant to spend money in restaurants, I'll park some distance from where I'm going if it's cheaper, and I'm clinging on to my ancient iPhone SE with its cracked screen for as long as I possibly can, rather than pay to upgrade it. Ditto my car with more than 150k miles. If I have to make a big purchase, such as a laptop, I often delay it for as long as I can. For all this, I don't obsess about money; I don't check the balance every day, I just keep half an eye on it.

However, I am aware that I'm in a minority, and my DH is certainly not as frugal as I am. I let him do the extravagant spending, and I don't try to stop him spending on nice things for both of us.

I know how you feel op. We were very broke when we were young but are far more comfortable now but my husband is the same. Some one up thread called it being a fun/joy sponge and I definitely get that. Dh doesn't complain when I buy things, it's up to me, but it's the raised eyebrows, the 'do you really need that' which takes the joy away. I suppose I could go to expensive restaurants with other people but realistically that can only happen now and again, other people's work/life schedules don't fit with your own and anyway Iike going out with him ...once I get him out. When it comes to holidays, if it was left to him, we would never arrange anything. Funnily enough he always enjoys them once he's there. These days, I think about what I want to do, then get it booked before the objections start. Works for me.

I think many women do want their husbands to accompany them and get the same level of enjoyment as them from relatively normal activities. It’s also draining to leave DH at home all the time with their boring thoughts. And yes, he’s boring isn’t he. Do you have decent holidays? What about cars? What fun do you have? My DH is keen on his investments but we allow ourselves to live too. If you don’t, what will the next 20 years look like?

Surely this doesn't need to be a problem if he doesn't try to stop you doing the things you want. Surely this is only an issue if you decide you want it to be. He goes with you to fancy restaurants, he enjoys the meals you make. It's not his fault he probably likes nursery food more. Do you share at least some other interests, and might that be enough? Or do you want a partner you can do everything with, and who will wank on about fine wines with you to your heart's content?

I do get it - I'm quite different to my husband in lots of ways. I like outdoorsy active stuff, he is not so keen, but will go along with it if I plan, say, a day's hill walking with the children. He won't complain and will probably even enjoy himself if I plan it right - not too long and tiring, make sure there's a good picnic. But I know if I want it to happen again, I have to make it happen. It's annoying. There's other things too, all relatively minor and niggly. Sometimes I can't believe they ever bothered me, other times I can't imagine getting past them!

So I'm not unsympathetic. It just doesn't sound like he needs to change, and it also doesn't sound like a big enough deal to leave someone over, on its own. I guess what's left is to work out why it should bother you so much and whether you can get over it.

What's he saving for? If it's a comfortable retirement that's fine, but surely his attitude to money will be so ingrained that he won't change and you'll never get to see the 'comfortable' that you've saved for.

In your shoes I would stop caring about what thought in all honesty. You are not jeopardising household finances so treat yourself to wine/shoes/whatever you want. If he makes a comment then just tell him that he is sucking the joy out of things you find pleasurable and you'd like him to stop.

Are you married to my ex husband?!

I don't think you can ask him to enjoy things he clearly doesn't, you are getting to do the things you enjoy but his presence is ruining it so find a friend who also enjoys those things to do together.

A couple we know are very comfortable financially but the lady doesn't like spending money, she puts her allocation of monthly money just goes into her account, her pensions don't get spent and just sits in the account and his goes on nice wines, cheeses and food.

He likes nice things, she like her "comfies" on, sitting on the sofa watching rubbish tv. He has found a friend to go and share these things with. They are still very happy together, there are just some things that are individual preferences and Hobbies.