To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

On the earning more, I included that because it was the inevitable question. If he was earning more, do you think people would object less to his frugality? I think it has some bearing.

We get along well in many ways- sense of humour, broad outlook on life. Its the worsening of his frugality which is getting to me, especially when it just makes me feel guilty for enjoying tiny things. The fundamental issue is that things that I think should be normal, enjoyable parts of life he would rather go without. I guess he makes me feel a little bit shallow?

Find someone to enjoy those things with if you can't get your man interested.

@AllIMissNowIsTheSea

Finerthingsplease1 you are asking if you are unreasonable to want him to enjoy the things you enjoy. He never has so you are asking him to become an incredibly good actor or to become someone he has never been. I understaand you say he has become more extreme, but he has never been the person you now want him to be, from what you write. So you are unreasonable.

He's unreasonable too for spoiling your enjoyment, but you are unreasonable for asking him to become a person he has never been.

You're like the parents of teens who complain that their young teen spoiled their long weekend in Paris spent exclusively walking around art galleries because although they didn't actually complain or demand to be taken to Disneyland/ allowed to stay at home they failed to look happy and appreciate the art.

This sums it up very well. It sounds like he's got worse, but OP also objects to him even being at the same level of behaviour as he was when she chose to marry him. This is why I wonder about long term compatibility.

I really think OP if this relationship is to continue, you need to stop essentially placing responsibility on him for your enjoyment. You need to value yourself and your experiences highly enough that you getting pleasure from something is enough, that you are enough.

I’m going to say that I don’t think you’re actually compatible, on several levels. And if it were me, I’d be leaving him.

It will only get worse, and you will only get more unhappy.

As you are paying for your nice things, you do you and don't give him another thought.

I would also only be putting the same amount in your joint bank account as he does and skim the rest: it's YOUR money and as he insists on ruining your good times, when lockdown is over don't take him for nice meals anymore, go with friends and point out that he doesn't appreciate them: at least then you will be in good company.

It seems to me he DOES enjoy the good life with the luxury of complaining about it so just remove the perks, spend more time with people who fill your life with joy and let him get on with his miserly lifestyle.

I'm sorry but I couldn't live with a fun sponge.... you could get struck by lightening tomorrow, life's too short.

He’s possibly a bit uncomfortable with the fact that he can’t afford the finer things that you like so doesn’t want you to like them. It may be making him feel insecure about you. And of course there could be some jealousy there too.

He can afford them. They just don’t matter to him, and he gets more pleasure out of saving. Which is fine. But it’s not his place to dictate what OP spends her money on, and he needs to stop it with the raised eyebrows and comments that suck all the joy out of it for OP.

I broached the subject in a nice way. He seemed a little taken aback and said he comments on flowers etc. were largely a reflex. He sat and had a beer with me whilst I had a glass of wine. We agreed to make a list of things to do together once lockdown ends. So some improvement! I haven't raised changing the financials but I did ask exactly how much there was and where.

I think he was shocked that be may well be turning into his parents. Fingers crossed he realises it now and does something about it.

I would also only be putting the same amount in your joint bank account as he does and skim the rest: it's YOUR money

That's not how it works when men are earning more than their wives is it?

All money is family money or at the very least each partner puts in an equal percentage of their wages, ensuring each is left with the same amount of personal spending money.

Why is it different just because the high earner is a woman?

I would say he feels "less of a man" over you earning 2.5 times his salary. The answer might be to put in the same amount each for basics. Keep the rest in a separate account, and spend it on whatever you like. And do NOT allow the skinflint to ruin your enjoyment of it.

Presumably you have worked damned hard for your money. You say you have plenty of savings etc. You are ENTITLED to be free to do whatever you like with the rest, unless you want to end up being the richest corpse in the graveyard. What does he want you to do with that money? Sit and count it? And why is he acting as though you are in the wrong? Life is too bloody short: Enjoy your life, and your money.

@Finerthingsplease1

I broached the subject in a nice way. He seemed a little taken aback and said he comments on flowers etc. were largely a reflex. He sat and had a beer with me whilst I had a glass of wine. We agreed to make a list of things to do together once lockdown ends. So some improvement! I haven't raised changing the financials but I did ask exactly how much there was and where.

I think he was shocked that be may well be turning into his parents. Fingers crossed he realises it now and does something about it.

Is this OP with a name change? I'm guessing yes.

Yes, I changed back and couldn't use the new name again. Had to add the 1 - sorry for confusion!

sounds like his frugality is becoming an obsession you would do well to nip that in the bud

That conversation sounds promising. So does his desire for his DC's upbringing to be different from his. That seems a useful angle to approach this from, getting him to imagine how he'd like things to be for his child.

Life is to short get rid. Sounds jealous to me.

Hi

For me, I think he should learn to respect the differences in your views and outlook.
If he wants to be frugal 247, whilst enjoying a decent standard of living, then fair enough. But he shouldnt make you feel guilty for spending on yourself. Doesnt sound like you are a spendthrift kr a hoarder etc. Just like to enjoy the fruits of your labour occasionally.

You earn your money, and after your joint obligations, you should feel ok, secure, happy to spend on the finer things. Also, as others have said, get a control over your finaces and be in the know how, dont turn a blind eye etc, stay informed wrt investments etc.

My ex used to think flowers were a waste of money, only brought them once a year. He has moved onto pastures anew, and I relish on buying myself fresh flowers every week. If thats what makes me happy, then so be it.

I think partners can by very hypocritical, and it can be subconsciously there way of gaining back the control they feel they have lost.

Lockdown has made me think you only live once, we all end up 6feet under. Enjoy (sensibly) whilst you can if that is what you want. Honour your feelings rather than feeling guilty because you arent honouring his feelings 247.

I think that sounds promising OP. Sometimes attitudes around money can become unconsciously ingrained. I was raised in a very frugal house (90% of this was necessity because we actually had very little money) but it did become a habit for me for many years after I had started earning a decent income. My OH has helped me see that I deserve to treat myself to nice things. For years I felt guilty about getting my hair done, buying nice clothes or going out to eat because my mum never got to do those things.

Ask him as a favour, occasionally to make an effort to enjoy a special event/meal with you because it makes you enjoy it a lot more (this means avoiding making the small comments and active appreciation)

In turn, perhaps you could do a special event/meal that he likes - that he enjoys (eg for its good value and non-material benefits) and actively appreciate that.

We all like different things - but it is nice when people make an effort to do things simply because they know we appreciate them (even if not to their personal preference)

Could it be a difference in upbringings?
If you were raised financialy secure or unaware of money issues, its easier to be a bit more carefree about disposable income and have a treat yourself mentality. If he grew up more insecure or concious about finances that might make him worried about spending on non-esentials.
I quite often have to persuede DP to buy things he "likes but doesn't need" I always say, we are sensible with money 80% of the time, use the other 20% to reward yourself for working hard.
Sometimes I will have to stalk him round the shops and see what he lingers over then just grab it and buy it for him because he won't treat himself.
How does he react to presents?

He seemed a little taken aback and said he comments on flowers etc. were largely a reflex.

Well it's something he needs to stop. Thinking about what actually comes out of his mouth and how it might make others feel, rather than just letting go with snarky comments.

I was brought up very frugally and we had very little and that included never going on holiday. I longed to go on holiday and as soon as I started earning money, I paid for a holiday. Holidays have been a big part of my life. We don’t have to be an echo chamber for the ways of our parents. We can change if we wish to. You take the best things from your upbringing and then move on.

It would be good if the DH could do this for the op. He has an old fashioned attitude to money and needs to relax a bit. Definitely needs more friends and to plan more for DC in terms of food and exploring the world when it’s allowed. He needs to learn how to live a bit. The works is full of people who count their money but never get to enjoy it.

The conversation sounds good. It's interesting he thinks he is making a routine funny joke 'what a waste of money' about the flowers and it sounds totally different to you.

I had this with my husband who whenever we went shopping, if I picked anything fattening up would say 'Tut-tut'. He again thought it was funny/supportive, God knows why when he is usually an intelligent and thoughtful man. I had to walk him through the fact that we shopped from a list that was mean-planned, he ate the food not just me and as he well knew I had a load of body image issues and if he liked thin women he should have married one. The clot hadn't realised any of this and was just doing a reflex 'funny' presumably his Dad had done to his Mum.

He still does it occasionally and I give him a Hard Stare. I think his mouth starts moving before his brain engages.

I was bitter about this for about 2 years before we communicated - its the communication that makes all the difference.

i cant get over he wears your fathers clothes-i mean isnt that a bit weird

Of course it’s not weird.

Plenty of people pass things on to others within their family or friendship group, sell clothes on, buy clothes on eBay or get much of their clothing from charity shops.

I’m glad you were able to have a conversation with him about how your feeling. He doesn’t sound like a bad person. Many couples have different interests and tastes which makes them unique. You’re obviously happy in your relationship in every other way. Perhaps he’s realised now that he needs to keep quiet about what you buy. You’re entitled to spend your money as you see fit, as an adult! If you were frivolously spending thousands then a conversation should be had but a few quid on flowers and wine?! Just buy it if it makes you happy. Say nothing about it. He can have his cheap beer, pie mash and beans if that makes him happy. You cook your nice meals and enjoy them! My DH doesn’t really like anything that isn’t meat and potato based! He still gets fish served up twice a week...and he eats it without a word lol!