To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

The 4% for my personal spending is 4% of our total net household income. He gets the same but rarely spends it. I have no desire to increase it, really. I am not extravagant. It is the joy sucking and slightly superior attitude to 'things' which is my issue.

In fairness to him, he does 'spoil' our baby more than I thought he would and he says he would like a different and less frugal upbringing for her. I think he almost cant help himself, he is quite compulsively drawn to something which is cheap whereas I would prefer to find the best option, however expensive.

I think I could possibly raise us having a joint 'fun' fund, rather than just separate and that could be a way forward on the money front.

I dont mean to offend regarding the food. He describes it as toddler food. Its galling when you buy nice ingredients and make something delicious for it to be totally unappreciated....

No a joint fun fund is not going to work. Fun spends should be separate otherwise this will get worse and you will end up feeling more guilty.

If the DH has a hobby, then the op could and probably would support it. It only appears to be saving money.

Living with this personality is draining and it’s not the same as one partner being sporty and the other not. Or even liking different things. It’s the disapproval of what the op likes. There’s no support. There’s just a kill joy attitude. Surely people who just do their own thing and don’t support each other and cannot find pleasure from what the other does or enjoys are just doomed to fail.

If this DH retires at 55 what on Earth will he do then? Bore the op for the rest of her life? She will be working to keep him. There’s no way retired people get the same income as fully working people. The op is expected to go without do he doesn’t have to work. It just gets worse in my view. What would he do all day?

Sounds like an utter fun sponge.

One of the most important factors in choosing my DP (soon to be DH) is we have basically got almost identical attitudes to money and have an almost identical value system.
We are both Top notch savers and joyful spenders - think good food/wine and experiences are worthwhile and that it is important to enjoy our hard earned money.

We also care about each other's happiness A LOT so while I don't always agree with some of his clothes purchases - he spends A LOT on fancy brands and has A LOT of it - I wouldn't comment on how he spends his cash.

We also LOVE to treat and surprise each other and our families. It brings me PURE JOY to be able to buy my mother a designer handbag I know she will absolutely love as a birthday surprise. It makes me happy in a way no amount of money spent on myself does.
I could NOT handle it if my DP was tutting and frowning over my shoulder.

We balance our odd "extravagance" with general good sense money saving. We don't buy coffee and bring packed lunch, we are flexible with holiday destinations and shop to get the best deal. if we dine out it's £10 main asian restaurant or something properly fancy/delicious we don't waste time on Mid-range mediocre stuff.

He sounds like an utter misery - I agree with others, if you don't want to separate, take control of your finances and do your own thing...

That's a lot of caps - I may have been at teh gin

@Finerthingsplease

We have never really shared any specific interests, more just done our own thing and but clicked as a couple. I had always seen our opposite-ness as a positive but perhaps not anymore. I suppose I don’t really see wine and food as interests but a normal part of life to be enjoyed. He doesn’t, so that’s the issue.

Did you not realise any of this before you married though? I understand he's getting more extreme but presumably he's always disliked eating out etc.

Why marry someone with whom you have such fundamental differences?

I am wondering OP does he have any aspergers traits? As I understand it, people with aspergers can be very mean "cautious" with money. I have someone like that in my family. I think perhaps it is a "control" thing .... controlling money, perhaps controlling people too, and perhaps controlling events as they wait for the day of some imagined disaster ...

But I would add, the person in my family, does enjoy good food and wine, but can be very parsimonious still even though they could well afford better quality e.g. why spend £10 on wine when you can spend £5 .

@billy1966 makes a very good point about the length of retirement. If he's saving because he wants to retire at 55 or 60, are you going to be happy with another 25-30 years of him not working and with nothing better to do that analyse every penny you're spending?

Don’t people get promotion at work and change their aspirations though? People mature in their tastes and what they want from life. Well some do. Not the OP’s DH of course. I do things now I wasn’t that interested in 40 years ago. I’ve changed and so has DH. Luckily we matured together.

My ex-h used to do spreadsheets
He was fun

He sounds a bit like me. I'm not a miser per se, just don't see the point of spending money on things as I don't believe the return justifies the price.

I dated a guy a few years ago who loved to spend hours cooking elaborate meals for me. After a while I got a bit fed up with it and wished we could just eat a bowl of cornflakes on our knees in front of Homes under the Hammer once in a while.

Could you have a conversation about your plans and dreams for when you retire? If he is saving all his money and not spending it on fun things now, what does he eventually plan to do with it.

It might make him realise that money is only useful if you actually spend it on something.

I would do the things you want to do and hopefully he will feel like he is missing out on spending time with you.

Could it spring from his having lower earning power than you? It struck me that it could be a defensive ‘yeah, well, I don’t want any expensive things anyway’ attitude, to cover up feeling bad that he earns less?

I dont really think he wants to retire early- he loves his job! I think it's more that he gets pleasure from having money stashed away rather than spending it.

I also dont think its pride or being defensive. Hes mainly saving the money I have earned! He is very confident in his job and his ability

Split your finances, contribute a pro rata share to bills and an agreed amount for savings.

Enjoy what remains of your salary.

So he gets the same satisfaction from saving/tracking finances as you do from enjoying treats. The only difference is you feel he (without saying) disapproves of where you put your money. Is there anything he spends money on as a treat?!

Nope! He literally has no desires for anything 'treaty'. Maybe a takeaway pizza counts as his treat but that's about it...

I really cant imagine going back to separate finances but I can definitely get a better view of how they are currently

I would find this hard too. But for the dining side - depending where you are, consider joining meet up groups or going and enjoying a good meal with friends.

The buying flowers and stuff for the home bit is tricker though. I get that not every purchase will be met with delight but if it’s impacting you buying what you want, it’s tricky.

What happens with holidays @Finerthingsplease?

Well he's got a bloody check making snarky comments about your spending, when there's plenty in the bank and it's your money that's doing the heavy lifting in the savings account.

I really know what you mean @Finerthingsplease my DP does not get the concept of treats or doing something (that involves spending money) just because or just for fun. I blame his mother! .

I have a somewhat similar one here.

He grew up in a family who only know how to work and have no idea how to enjoy themselves and place no value on trivial pursuits. They're not tight - in fact they can be incredibly over generous with money - but all the things I like (travel for pleasure not work, eating out, concerts/gigs etc.) are alien to them.

Like yours, my DH will come along and make all the right noises but he doesn't really enjoy it which zaps the enjoyment out of it for me. It is a case of incompatibility but we were married and moved back to his home town before this became evident (when he morphed into his father!)

Glad to see I'm not alone here! Its miserable in a way that is difficult to describe.

Holidays we are weirdly aligned on. They are not a huge priority for either of us, we dont plan and are more last minute when we decide we need one. DH will actually pay more to ensure the journey etc is easy rather than stressful. So that's something I guess!