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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

413 replies

Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 13:29

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

OP posts:
Siennabear · 06/06/2020 20:26

Just because he prefers those things, doesn’t mean that’s what you have to do!
If you can afford it, treat yourself! Try and split it so say one week you go out for dinner and next get a takeaway. If you like flowers , get them. I’m sure he must be the odd thing for himself now and then.
What is life all about if you don’t do things you enjoy?

PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock · 06/06/2020 20:27

I dont mean to offend regarding the food. He describes it as toddler food. Its galling when you buy nice ingredients and make something delicious for it to be totally unappreciated....

This just seems utterly bizarre to me.

You know he isn't bothered about you cooking something complex. So any appreciation you did get from him wouldn't be genuine and would be for your benefit, because you just aren't on the same page. Yet when you prepare a meal, you're bothered by him doing exactly what you knew he'd do and by him being the same as he was about food when you decided to settle down with him.

You should definitely cook complex things if you want to: just because he likes fish fingers and beans doesn't mean you should. But why is his response so important? Why can't you enjoy cooking and eating something you enjoy, for your own sake? I would think very hard about why you think his response to things matters so much more than yours. Is it because of how he behaves that this has taken root, or have you always felt like this?

NoMoreFlowers · 06/06/2020 20:29

Just accept the fact that you’re different. There’s nothing wrong with that

Jeremyironsnothing · 06/06/2020 20:32

Explain how it makes you feel. He might not realise how his attitude impacts your enjoyment and mood. Spell it out clearly and if he loves and respects you, he'll try to hold his tongue.

Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 20:34

I admit that my views on the food might sound snooty to some. I guess I would like to enjoy a meal with him, with him being able to enjoy it as more than simply fuel.

OP posts:
Ghostlyglow · 06/06/2020 20:36

Oh well mines worse than yours with holidays OP! Everywhere on public transport, which is fine in itself, but pre booked trains to the airport (cheaper)and never with much time to spare. Rucksacks because we have to be hand luggage only. Definitely no chance of staying over at an airport hotel or getting a taxi. Honestly I'm in my 50s and it's hard work these days! Although probably not going on holiday for a while, I realise...

MsTSwift · 06/06/2020 20:37

Just cannot understand why you choose to marry these men! I wouldn’t have gone beyond a first date with this personality type

Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 20:38

To those asking why I married him. We were younger, our incomes have grown - I would like to enjoy them, he would like to continue to live like a student with a massive savings account. His frugality used to be a joke - it's not any more.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 06/06/2020 20:42

Finerthings Although you say you don’t see him as controlling, his behaviour & attitude towards you is actually affecting your daily life in a detrimental way.

He is actively demolishing your happiness and joie de vivre. Yet you don’t think he is controlling? A “fun fund” would soon become a “how to make her life more miserable” fund.

MsTSwift · 06/06/2020 20:43

Bad luck. I couldn’t bear this - sorry. Married to a miserly funsponge I’d rather be in my own. Not sure I could stick it out.

Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 20:45

AdaColeman - I see that from an outside perspective. I genuinely think hes not malicious though- he is just caught up in his savings obsession. I do need to talk to him and be a bit stern about how much it bothers me and then maybe he will loosen up a bit.

Ghostlyglow - sorry to hear that! He used to be like that and we ended up stranded somewhere after an awful cheap flight. It did the trick in putting him off!

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 06/06/2020 20:56

Finerthings I do hope you can come to some agreement between you both. As life is difficult enough, now more than ever, and the small joys of a bunch of flowers or an interesting delicious meal, can make a huge difference to one’s quality of life. Thanks

Bakedbrie · 06/06/2020 21:08

I can relate to your situation a bit OP. My DH isn’t too tight or puritanical but has a thing about constantly deferring many forms of pleasure or gratification - constantly, and this saddens me because he and I aren’t getting any younger. But there is nothing to stop me doing a lot of these things for myself and once this bloody lockdown is over, I intend to!

Happynow001 · 06/06/2020 21:16

@Ghostlyglow
Oh well mines worse than yours with holidays OP! Everywhere on public transport, which is fine in itself, but pre booked trains to the airport (cheaper)and never with much time to spare. Rucksacks because we have to be hand luggage only. Definitely no chance of staying over at an airport hotel or getting a taxi.

Honestly I'm in my 50s and it's hard work these days! Although probably not going on holiday for a while, I realise...
Your post was so sad and so lacking in joy - especially as you were relating to going on holiday - which is supposed to be a happy thing!

I hope you're able to have some time away with other family and friends st other times to balance this joyless behaviour out.

Bulletwithwings · 06/06/2020 21:28

Oh dear, I now realise i am joyless but I hope not judgey. I cannot ever bear to spend money on flowers or good food or wine. I dont think it's a crime to have simpler tastes. I would not ever stop my DH if that's what he wants to do with his money.

I have however sat in nice restaurants with family or friends with clenched teeth and forced smiles if someone decide to order a bottle of wine or everyone is going for appetizer... because I eat (toddler food) to live. Even if I had a day left to live, I'm certainly not going to blow it on nice things... I'd be too busy arranging financial affairs for DC to eat and having a sandwich for my last supper.

So I dont think your DH will change. Is it really that unlikeable? My DH finds my stinginess adorable mostly. This thread has made me appreciate my DH more...

Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 21:40

It's not a crime to have simpler tastes, of course not. But if you let it impact on other people's pleasure...?

I'm sorry to say that people probably notice your forced smile and clenched teeth and, yes, it probably hampers their enjoyment of the situation. It would mine.

OP posts:
ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 06/06/2020 21:46

The 4% for my personal spending is 4% of our total net household income.

Is that 4% fun money, for totally frivolous extras, or all your personal spending including clothes, hair, shoes, hobbies etc., because 4% is not much unless your income is huge - a net income of £10000 would only give you £400.

MsTSwift · 06/06/2020 21:49

Mine too! But fortunately you have found someone who is fine with it so that’s great. A huge part of our marriage is enjoying things together. Food wine flowers travel. I work with the terminally ill - enjoy life while you can. Clenched teeth and toddler food would have no place in my life.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/06/2020 21:57

I'm sorry to say that people probably notice your forced smile and clenched teeth and, yes, it probably hampers their enjoyment of the situation. It would mine.

Is it not a two way street?

You're saying people are hampering your enjoyment by not enjoying something that they don't enjoy but why are you forcing someone to do something they don't enjoy, thereby hampering their enjoyment?

Why is your enjoyment the responsibility of other people?

PrincessConsuelaVaginaHammock · 06/06/2020 21:58

@Finerthingsplease

It's not a crime to have simpler tastes, of course not. But if you let it impact on other people's pleasure...?

I'm sorry to say that people probably notice your forced smile and clenched teeth and, yes, it probably hampers their enjoyment of the situation. It would mine.

Do you think your attitude has an impact on DHs enjoyment of the food and lifestyle he prefers?
Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 22:00

Its 4% for all my personal spending. Our income is large but you are correct that it is not very much!

It doesn't include gym and fitness and meals together would come out of joint spending. It equates to maybe one item of clothing per month plus hair every few months and just bits and bobs. It is far from extravagant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Finerthingsplease · 06/06/2020 22:03

I didn't mean my comment about hampering enjoyment to sound negative but its like every social situation- its unpleasant for everyone if somebody clearly does not want to be there.

I dont hamper DHs enjoyment of his food. He eats what he wants 99% of the time and I eat it with him too sometimes! But I wont deny that it's not enjoyable to do something you like when the other person doesnt appreciate it or want to be there!

OP posts:
RunSoICanEatCheese · 06/06/2020 22:06

MIL was like this, really frugal. On the rare occasion we went out to a restaurant, she’d complain about her food and claim that she could’ve made better at home (she couldn’t - she only ever did ready meals) to ensure we didn’t go out to eat again for a while.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 06/06/2020 22:06

@Finerthingsplease

Its 4% for all my personal spending. Our income is large but you are correct that it is not very much!

It doesn't include gym and fitness and meals together would come out of joint spending. It equates to maybe one item of clothing per month plus hair every few months and just bits and bobs. It is far from extravagant.

In that case it's ridiculous. From what you have said you earn a very high salary and can afford to, and should be able to, buy clothes and get your hair done as often as you want.
mrsbyers · 06/06/2020 22:11

Book a holiday with a friend once a year and indulge in all the finer things

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