To want my DH to enjoy the finer things

[Finerthingsplease]

Name changed.

I’m getting sick of feeling like I can’t enjoy the finer things in life that I like because my husband doesn’t.

He’s someone who actively enjoys frugality and admits he has a very strong Puritan tendency which seems to be getting worse with age. We have shared finances but I earn 2.5 times more than him. We are very financially comfortable with lots of savings. I’m not extravagant but I feel like he impedes my enjoyment of things and makes me feel guilty for wanting ‘small pleasures’.

Examples - I would like to buy a few nice wines and do a mini tasting session in lockdown. He says no, I don’t like drinking any more (a new thing, related to increasingly puritanism) and £60 on wine is ridiculous.

I make some nice, different recipes. He happily eats them and says they are nice but I know he would be even happier with fish fingers and beans ( he likes toddler food).

I buy flowers for the house (£5ish from supermarket). He sees that as a total waste of money and doesn’t understand why they could be pleasurable.

We go to nice restaurants (not during lockdown obviously). We have a good time and enjoy it but he would genuinely be equally happy with a takeaway pizza.

I just don’t see the point in working if we can’t do some nice things. He never, ever stops me buying anything but his attitude just taints every nice thing I do for myself or us. AIBU? Will he ever be persuaded to change?

Haircuts should come out of the household budget. It might be me time and a treat to get it done in a nice salon (for me it's a chore) but in a professional job it is an essential.

But really what strikes me is you both work and he gets lots of enjoyment out of saving from both your salaries, and you get anguish and guilt for wanting flowers and some half decent wine. You're not insisting on flying first class to Maui or having a wardrobe full of £500 shoes.

Why the fuck should he get pleasure from your salary and you not?

My DH used to be very frugal (total cheapskate even on our first date... which I pointed out to him at the time!)... but over twenty years together he has changed a great deal (definitely inherited behaviours from, frankly, miserable PIL's though rather than a reaction to our situation or financial control). Otherwise I would have left him as it would just be too utterly draining to have all my pleasures denounced one by one. Why are you staying? What does your future look like?

Let him be who he is and just do what makes you happier. What you're saying is, effectively, like saying, 'sit with me while I watch TV" ie keep me company whilst I do something in which you have no interest at all. Go out and buy something lovely for yourself, he wont change for the better.

I can’t believe people don’t get it. If you want to enjoy an experience and your dh is the only person with you and putting a downer on it - it’s shit.

Yes jay55 I was about to say the same thing. OP you're funding his 'savings hobby' very generously indeed. He has by far the most expensive hobby in your household!

You really do need to agree what it is he's saving your money for.

Also, has no-one asked? Really? Is he mean or generous in bed? Shared pleasure and the capacity for pleasure isn't just about sex but it does encompass and include it.

Your life sounds as much fun as a holiday on your own.
As for finances,I think you need to take an interest.
If he has put money into ISAs each year all of those will be in his name.You need to make sure the same amount is put in an account only in your name,he can't do this do you have to take an active interest.
And it's rubbish at the moment but yes to you finding friends with similar interests,wine tasting events etc.
You say he's getting worse,if you are financially straightened and have outside interests then all may be ok but if not you may be more able to tolerate him if you have choices.

OP,

I may be be very wrong here and I apologise if I am way off but it is screaming to me that you are in NO way in control of your income or life.

You read to me as a deeply unhappy person who is trying to talk herself around an absolutely miserable existence.

I think you have stated clearly that he is just loving the huge accumulation of YOUR income.

You are being financially controlled whether you wish to admit it or not.

I think you read as a deeply unhappy woman who is having a huge problem admitting it to herself.

Talk to your mum.
Be honest with yourself.
Your life sounds utterly miserable.

How is it going to improve if you keep lying to yourself.

Be honest.
With yourself.

I am pretty happy eating fried chicken or picnic with DH and DC. Some people can enjoy life while being frugal.

Re restaurants, the clenched teeth comes at the moment of realisation that I'd have to pay extra for my share of something people assume I too want. The same person who suggests adding appetiser/platter/extra bottle always orders the most expensive item on the menu then suggests splitting the bill equally as an extra slap in the face. It's not wholly the money I get upset about, it's assuming I enjoy the same and should pay for it.

This is a values/lifestyle compatibility issue - I dont have this problem with DH or my close friends, the ones I really care about and will have a good time regardless of the food/place we are at. I do have this issue with my in laws, and some family members so yes, I dont really want to be there and try my best to pretend to enjoy.

Bottomline: your DH may be an incurable scrooge like me. So spend on what you want, and indulge with people who would if your DH wouldnt.

I'm the spender in our relationship. If you can't change him, you can change your attitude to him. Spend what you want, enjoy what you want. Let him enjoy his saving and you enjoy your 4%, without guilt.

Oh god, a relative of mine is like this and Ive had to suffer his miserly ways for over thirty years.

He’d rather walk a mile in the rain than park in town and pay. He’d wait until the end of the day to do food shopping - and only from the scrum known as the final reduction section. He’d never invite people out for dinner or lunch - only go if invited by someone. Never go to a cafe - ever. Only ever buy cheap over processed food. No interest in good food or wine or the dining experience as a whole. Bargain backpacking holidays, still in his 60s.

He just doesnt understand or appreciate the little things that make up a joyful and interesting life. The little touches that make a day memorable and special. ALWAYS putting money first and foremost above people and pleasure.

He’s retired on a final salary pension scheme (£60k p.a) Still works part time (£55k p.a.) Has investments & savings (£250k) and has just inherited £300k). No mortgage, parents or children. I know this because I advised him on something a while ago and saw his finances.

It baffles me.

OP, you seem to be living his life instead of your own. YOU are the breadwinner here, you need to take a more proactive role in your day to day living or risk living a life spent in your kitchen, eating beans on toast.

I totally get where you are coming from and sympathise. I have one who is similar. I ignore unless it has a real impact on me and this is holidays.
Dont get me wrong he loves travel as much as I do but wants it to be as cheap as possible. Based on we can spend money on another cheap holiday. His favourite thing is scouring love holiday for a 99 quid deal - invariably these will be hotels with trip advisor reviews that start with avoid.
He likes self catering. I think that's the same shop, cook, clean up in a different location. Or all inclusive (which can be good) but then you see a lovely restaurant which he won't go to because 'we can eat at the hotel'.
Attractions are too expensive to pay to go in. No point stopping and spending €3 on a coffee when you can drink water while walking. Wanting to book the cheapest tin can hire car then complains he's cramped.
It's not as though I'm aiming for 5 star hotels and Michelin restaurants and hiring a Lamborghini. Just a decent treat standard then I actually feel like I'm on holiday !

I would find this do draining. Have you told him he is ruining the joy of having flowers when he always comments they are a waste of money. I think I would cook him fish fingers and baked beans buy only three fish fingers because you don't want him to think you too extravagant and for yourself whatever you fancy and a good bottle of wine to wash it down. This would happen every week until he got the message. Being mean is not a virtue. Better to make people happy and if toddler food makes him happy give it to him every week. Is he pissed because you earn more money than he does?

You can do things without him, he isn't your keeper.

Order the wine, have your mini taster at home, and put a little sign on the door telling him hes not invited, chin chin

Drop him off at the monastery with some turkey dinosaurs and go and enjoy life.

FWIW, I'd happily eat fish fingers every night and I track all my accounts in a spreadsheet. Playing with numbers is enjoyable to me. None of the OP's hobbies sound appealing. It's not the cost; I wouldn't do a wine tasting even if it was free. Can't you find a new hobby to share? x

Thanks for all of the help and advice! I will take it all away and have a good long chat with DH.

For those mentioning hobbies, separate hobbies are totally fine! I wouldn't regard the things I'm talking about as my hobbies - just nice little things which make normal life more cheerful! It has really crept up on me that I have been stopping doing these little things due to his judgement. Lockdown has obviously magnified that.

Have your tried talking to him about it? Telling him that you want to enjoy things with him? Maybe if he realised how miserable it is making you, he's try to change a bit.

Would it help if you put together a 'frivolity budget'? So that at least he knows much will be squandered?

Ebenezer Scrooge managed to turn things around after he got a glimpse of the future. I think a good long talk with DH will be a good thing. He needs to understand he might stand to lose a lot more than a bit of money if he doesn’t reflect a bit and start seeing the impact of his obsessions as well as his aims in life. It’s perfectly possible to enjoy the pleasure someone else gets from something even if he doesn’t choose to like it for himself. I don’t drink. I don’t like it. DH loves good single malt and decent wine. I’m interested and buy him a bottle for a gift sometimes. DH doesn’t like spa breaks but he enjoys treating me and hearing how it went. We both like the occasional high dining experience even though I prefer very plain cooking personally. I just ask for certain dishes to be prepared more simply. We also have separate hobbies. It’s just a balance. But I really do get how crestfallen you might feel particularly if you cook something special and it goes unappreciated or buy something lovely and feel as though your enthusiasm is dashed. 💐

DH's attitude sounds like a sort of inverse snobbery, given that you can easily afford these nice things. What was his upbringing like?

The crux of this issue is that it is hard to enjoy something when you know the person you are with is not or is just going along with it to please you. It’s very difficult to articulate the feeling

I think you have to get away from thinking that just because he could enjoy the same things as you, he should. If you enjoyed running marathons, would you expect your husband to, or stop doing it because he didn't want to? Obviously if he objected to you spending money on decent sports bras or running shoes that wouldn't be on, but if he just wasn't interested in joining in then no problem.

I think this is really not about money though is it? It's about enjoying life and sharing. If I ran a marathon I wouldn't expect my husband to do one but I would certainly expect some interest and enthusiasm that I'm doing it.

Me and DH don't have huge amounts in common but we don't drag each other down for doing things alone and we do things together for no other reason that one of us likes it.

I am perfectly capable of enjoying a mornings birdwatching without moaning and even showing a little enthusiasm for it just as he is perfectly capable of coming to the cinema with me to watch, and show some enthusiasm for, a film of my choosing.

And even if we did those things separately we would enjoy that the other person is happy. When DH does a marathon birdwatch I don't roll my eyes or say what a waste of time it is, I make him a flask and a packed lunch and tell him I hope he has a great day. Similarly, he would drop me at a friends house, tell me to have a great time and be interested later when I tell him about my evening.

You don't have to do or like the same things, but, as a couple you do have to, or should do, care about your partners happiness and feelings.

OP I can totally see how your DH's frugality is making life miserable. It's one thing to have a preference for simple food etc, but to constantly be commenting and eye-rolling because you bought a bunch of flowers must be really frustrating for you. I can only see the lack of symmetry on this issue getting worse and not ending well. I know you've said the thread is wrongly focused on the finances, but I do think his obsession with controlling money, managing savings etc is feeding into his constant need for frugality. From now on I would say you are finding his frugality stifling and zapping the joy out of life. Yes, you need to save, but life is for living and you can afford it. Say you would like more input on finances, so will be managing your own from now on. When you get paid each month, you decide where your money is going. Rather than the set 4%, you choose how much 'fun' money you want that month and segregate the rest. I would have your salary go into your own account and then agree a monthly amount you both pay into a joint account for bills. His focus needs to shift and you need to be clear how much this is effecting you. Stand your ground.

Good Luck @Finerthingsplease

Just a thought, if you don’t mind the odd little white lie - one way of getting friends who can’t afford to go out to restaurants with you is to buy Vouchers for the one you want (or preferably a voucher accepted at lots of places including your favourite as that’s not so obvious).

Tell your friends you ‘got them in work for being the highest achiever this quarter’ (or somesuch) or that there is a “charity raffle” and you won them.
If you use the former it gives you an excuse perhaps a few times a year (say three, you can’t ‘win’ every quarter lol) to invite skint friends out because ‘I’ve won these vouchers and there’s no cash alternative and I don’t want them to go to waste so any chance we can arrange a meal out. It’s not like any of us have to pay. It’s free food and wine”
Nobody feels bad, nobody pays, you produce the vouchers at the end of the meal obviously in front of the friends and pay with them.

That one may work on DH too.

It’s just a little white lie to go out for a meal a few times a year without anyone having to be uncomfortable about costs, for whatever reason!

I think this is really not about money though is it? It's about enjoying life and sharing.

Who decides the definition of "enjoying life" though? It's subjective isn't it?

Some people get enjoyment from buying nice things, having fancy cars. Other people get enjoyment from nature, others from singing or painting or watching TV.

What I consider enjoying life you might find boring or frivolous.

The problem here is incomparability or op not being able to accept that her dh doesn't like the same things that she does but demanding that he must make himself enjoy them or he's spoiling it for her.

Take an example. Husband loves football. His wife doesn't, finds it boring.

He wants to go to support his team and wants his wife to go too. She doesn't want to go but tells him to go without her.

He refuses, says he won't enjoy it. He wants her to go, but not only just go, wants her to really enjoy it or else she's spoiling it for him.

Is any of that ok?