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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DP to get public transport and go home

395 replies

cakedup · 06/06/2020 07:57

DP is usually great but not so much when he has had a drink.

He kept telling me to fuck off when we were in bed last night so I slept on the sofa. Then this morning he came and started on me because I was on the sofa and he said it was weird the cats were sleeping on me. He kept going on and said it's over between us but I know he doesn't mean that. He kept mimicking me and then accused me of crocodile tears. I couldn't stand it any longer so I went out for a walk, luckily he was asleep when I got back.

It's going to be unbearable today. He will carry on being a dick until he sobers up and then he will apologise profusely. I just want to be left alone today but feel I'm stuck unless he takes the tube to his house, I can't ask him to do that can I?

OP posts:
cakewench · 07/06/2020 19:50

Have read all your responses. Please send him packing. This behaviour is inexcusable.

MollyMinniesMum · 07/06/2020 19:57

This is abuse, please don’t stand for it anymore

FelicisNox · 07/06/2020 19:59

Does it occur to you @cakedup that he actually doesn't love you and that's why his behaviour has escalated in the last 6 months?

Relationships can turn into nothing more than a habit and this guy, drunk or sober really doesn't like you as much as he pretends to.

My DH and I have been together 21yrs and whilst we are not perfect he has NEVER spoken to me like that drunk or otherwise.

No offense but you need to grow up and as soon as he's sobered up show him the door. Permanently.

Seriously. You write your own price tag so stop marking yourself so low.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 07/06/2020 20:05

OP I do hope you're ok? Sadly, I can tell you from experience - your son is very likely to know what is going on. I was once that 15 year old like your son. It took my Mum a further 2 years after his aggression escalated and resulted in him holding knife to my Mum's throat. Please, please get him gone

Helen1224 · 07/06/2020 20:09

I was in the same situation. It was only when he would disappear for day or 2 and became aggressive with me when I stood up for myself that I worked up the courage to tell him to leave. By that point my confidence and self worth were gone. Please do not allow yourself to get to that point, it's very hard to get back to having confidence and self worth. Please, get him gone.

Alwaystired90 · 07/06/2020 20:11

Sounds like my ex. Are you sure you’re they’re not the same person? :( please get out of there while you can. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. It took me 6 months of therapy to realise this kind of behaviour was in fact, abuse.

user1490954378 · 07/06/2020 20:15

Sorry to repeat what's already been said by other people here, but ge is being abusive. This IS abusive behaviour, even if only when he's been drinking. He obviously has an issue with the drink and this verbal abuse is your red flag to get out of it now before things get much worse. Let him go back to his place and even if you wait until he is sober. The Police can and will remove him if he refuses to go. You deserve much better in all honesty.

jackie2669 · 07/06/2020 20:17

What would you say to someone else who posted what you have posted ?

ilikemethewayiam · 07/06/2020 20:32

Either OP is in trouble or she’s let him talk her round so embarrassed to come back. I hope I’m wrong and she’s kicked him out.

OP Please read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. He is very clear that Alcohol does not make an abuser. He is an abuser who drinks.

I hope you have enough self respect and respect for your DS to boot him out if you haven’t already.

stuckindoors77 · 07/06/2020 20:36

He never used to react to alcohol like this, only in the last 6 months or so.

People show you who they really are when they've been drinking. He's getting more aggressive over time, this is a very bad sign. Please end this now or his behaviour towards you will continue to get worse.

user1493379562 · 07/06/2020 20:36

I was married to a man like that! For heavens sake you deserve better. Your self esteem is on the floor and it will stay there until you get him out of your life! Show him the door and change the locks!

Teddybear27 · 07/06/2020 20:37

Totally agree with NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite.

His behaviour is appalling!! You do NOT need to put up with this!!
Kick him out, get some peace and quiet. The drink is no excuse, doesn't matter if it is six mins, six months or six years. GET RID OF HIM and DON'T let him come crawling back, you are so much better off without him!!!.
Thank goodness he has got his own home to go to and as for making you sleep on the couch?! It is your bloody house?!
People will only treat you how you let them... Good Luck sweetie, we are here for you.

scheffsm · 07/06/2020 20:41

Either OP is in trouble or she’s let him talk her round so embarrassed to come back. I hope I’m wrong and she’s kicked him out.

Having been through the same thing myself (see previous post on this thread somewhere) I presume he's been extremely apologetic. He's very very sorry. It will never happen again. He's giving up the drink immediately.
She believes him because "he's usually great" as she says in the OP. She thinks deep down she won't find someone better because he's done a number on her self-esteem in the couple of years he's been with her.
She also thinks, because she is a nice person, that when you love someone you accept them warts and all and that all good relationships take effort and compromise.
Sadly this horrible excuse for a man is not interested in a compromise and he doesn't love her the way she loves him. He loves the convenience of what she provides - tender, loving care, a shoulder to lean on, a nice home which he stays at regularly etc.

Having been there myself, it will take at least another 3 years before she finally manages to get shot of him and there will be countless incidents of this kind of behaviour when he's been drinking and there will be other nasty, subtle digs he makes when he hasn't been drinking.
Her self-esteem will plummet even further and she'll struggle for a long time even when he's gone the journey.

Sorry to be pessimistic but I suspect they are back to being lovey-dovey teenagers (OP's own description) so she doesn#t have time to update us.

Clearaschristal · 07/06/2020 20:41

Get rid of him now!!!

PinkiOcelot · 07/06/2020 20:54

I’m betting that the OP has been love bombed and is sitting happily watching Netflix. She’ll be back!!

Edda09 · 07/06/2020 20:56

I think your DS knows OP. When I was a teenager I knew my mum was an alcoholic and would often listen on the stairs to my parents arguing, wishing they would split up.

Franticbutterfly · 07/06/2020 20:57

He's a twat. Fuck him off...permanently. It's honestly not worth it.

Harls1969 · 07/06/2020 20:57

Please send him home. You deserve much more. He's an arsehole when he's had a drink...do you really want to be with someone like that? All the time you do nothing, he thinks his behaviour is acceptable and it isn't. It's abusive. Kicking him out might just be the wake up call he needs. And if not...well you're better off out of it

josbd · 07/06/2020 21:12

He doesn't need a mask. I am sure you can find a roll of gaffer tape which will fit well over his nose and mouth....!

As others have already said: This man is abusive. I would consider this a timely warning. The fact that you are making excuses for him despite having been moved to write this thread suggests he is already having a negative effect on your self confidence. PLEASE don't let him make you his victim. This man is a BULLY.

Tistheseason17 · 07/06/2020 21:15

OP is not coming back.

Jesswhi · 07/06/2020 21:26

Oh cakedup you really do have my sympathy and empathy. We ask why more women don’t get out of abusive relationships of any kind and it’s clear to see why from the response of some people on here. Speaking as someone who has been in a similar situation as yourself I can truly appreciate how torn you are. On the one hand you have a partner who you love and who you think loves you until the wine comes out at which point it all goes majorly south. I’m still married to mine who is currently not drinking and who possibly finally has realised that he shouldn’t again ( though this will be the 4th time!). I think you need to really think hard about what you want in the future and how his problems with alcohol will affect you and your other relationships and whether the sacrifice is really worth it. Trust me when I say it’s a very bumpy road and can cause untold damage to your relationships with others. I’m still with my husband and things right now are great but we’re only ever 1 drink away from a disaster! In all honesty if I had my time again I would have walked away years ago before the complications of children (not that I am using them as an excuse to stay). Send him home and have a break play whatever music you want while stroking your cat and try and picture if you can spending another 6 months with this man while under the influence. Don’t make any rash decisions but give yourself some time to see if you miss him as much as you think you will. How he gets home and whether or not he gets covid really truly is not your problem to worry about or feel guilty about. Much love and I hope you find the right path for you xx xx

Moaningmeadowlark · 07/06/2020 21:40

Sending love to you cakedup. Hope you are ok xx

MissingLincs · 07/06/2020 21:41

@cakedup

I'm just trying to decide whether to wake him or not. He'll be more reasonable the more sober he is but may be better to do it while DS is asleep
I came to read your thread from an email notification and I have read all the advice and kind messages people have sent you but, like others, I am worried about you because you haven't replied since yesterday morning. Hopefully everything went OK and you now have your home back to yourself and your son & cats and you are enjoying quality time and have no need to surf the internet for help. But we are now all worried about what has happened to you. Are you OK? I think there should be a way for people reading these threads to click a 'worried about' button to alert someone at Mumsnet to contact the person or give their phone number to a suitable authority (e.g. Womens Aid) to make a discrete phone call. CAKEDUP... please let us know you are OK!
Carpedimum · 07/06/2020 21:44

Please take it from one who knows all too well, this is abuse, it will get worse, the times in between these episodes will get shorter and your self-esteem will be completely eroded. Make him leave, change your locks, block his number & all social media. If he turns up after that tell him you’re getting a restraining order and phone the police.

Vladi10 · 07/06/2020 21:54

Sounds like a coercive relationship to me. There’s not one post of this thread that says give him another chance, all abusive relationships, whether physical or verbal have periods where they pretend to love and care for you, then it flips to being horrible, then flips back again. It’s how they knock your confidence and keep you waiting for them to change. They never change and things only ever get worse. Please get help and get out, if it’s been happening for over 6 months then he’s said he’s sorry and it won’t happen again many times yet has it stopped? Has he changed? No. It’s all lies and you and your son deserve more.